Eredien's Journal

...and it is, in fact, happy.

Hanging out on the bed this morning with my fuzzybutt little cat Oolong, I took some time to reflect on my 2013 and 2014 so far, which have been truly astoundingly happy.

I've been writing again (yay, keeping resolutions in advance!). Some long-overdue correspondence to people I care about, some WWIA (the fey novel). It helped, I found, to change up the viewpoint characters and let someone else speak for Chapter 4. Not sure if I'm going to keep it or not--gods is Tam-tam disturbing, but then again he's out of his head--but definitely a good exercise. I feel healthy as a writer--reading things that inspire me, making lists of poems I definitely need to read more of. And, actually, y'know, writing regularly. For the first time in a long, long time.

Did some martial arts over New Year's, which just confirmed that's where it's at for me in terms of exercise and spirituality.

I've been traveling. Went to a lovely burning-man-inspired party for New Year's with A., successfully turned what could have been poly problems into poly opportunities, saw three of my favorite movies (documentary: "Rivers & Tides," anime: "Mindgame" and "Spring & Chaos"), learned some new things about myself, spent some good time with somebody new I like (T.). More traveling scheduled for summer, specifically July, of this year--can't decide if I am doing Firefly and Readercon, or Firefly and a friend's wedding in CO. Is anyone else going to BMC reunion? I honestly don't want to go if my friends won't be there.

My relationship with myself seems healthier than it's been in a long time. Had a dream a few weeks ago about resentment over a close friend's losing weight that really stuck with me, and am turning that resentment into resolve--I want to wear all my genderqueer shiny outfits. Got a new piercing (pic.twitter.com/eKzYGvoDVG)--feel like I am that much closer to looking like the person I am. Am super-comfortable with my body now, due in part to how I've been prioritizing self-care and due in part to some New Year's experiences, and how I'm presenting, even at work, which can be problematic at times. Modern medicine is a frigging miracle. I am not really suffering from SAD this winter for the first time in about a decade.

Work is good. I got a hug and thank you from my boss, and that was really great. I flower under praise, especially because I know I am doing praiseworthy work. Still looking for jobs in the greater Boston area...

....speaking of which, I have made it my goal to move back to MA in 2015. I may not move directly back to Boston proper, but if all works out as I hope it will, that will be because I might be moving in with B. near the Berkshires. A three-hour drive into Boston, and having to deal with the headaches of a car, are small problems if they mean that I only have to drive three hours to see all my chosen-family and friends--the people who matter most to me. I've been driving six or more. It honestly depends on where I get a job. 

A recap of my relationships, for those playing along at home: B. I've known them for over a decade, but our relationship feels both old and familiar and new and deep. They are so joyful and beautiful and playful and giving and just plain good for me that I've recently been contemplating co-parenting a kid with them. A., who continues to be a sexy brilliant mad scientist, hiking partner, and pet. He is my stalwart. Five years has been so deep, and so fast. E., who I am experiencing all kinds of NRE with even though she's on the other side of the country. She continues to wake me up to gender, to spirituality, and to being authentically unafraid to live a complex life. T., a Canadian man <insert Canadian partner joke here>, who I am looking forward to seeing again this summer...
This entry was originally posted at http://eredien.dreamwidth.org/3208.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

2014 Resolutions, early this year.

Save Money to Move: Now that I have a job, I can start saving money again. I've got a life I want to live--travel, good food, books, plans for a home with people I love--and I've got to get away from where I am now, which is unacceptable. Goal: move back to Boston in 2015. <strike>set up direct deposit to bank accounts</strike> and otherwise touch my money as little as possible in 2014.

Exercise, the way I Love: I don't have to spend money on a gym membership I hardly use, sitting there and struggling with body image. I can just start doing tai chi again at home. Better mental (and physical) balance, and it's free. My mother can stuff her reservations about 'unwomanly' martial arts. Goal:enjoy what I do to lose weight and reduce body dysphoria. Exercise an hour a day.

Pay attention to My Creative Life: I thought I'd lost the desire to write. It was hibernating. I love welcoming challenging creative endeavor back into my life. I have a novel, a sestina, and at least three short stories clamoring for completion. Goal: 100 words a day. Don't get overwhelmed; just work at it. The words will add up.


Now, a progress report from 2013:
Goal: Get on a medication that works for my bipolar depression and keep taking it. (This is already started; just have to discuss my med choice w/therapist and start taking it). Result: success. I feel awful that I couldn't do this earlier and hurt a lot of people in my life, but I literally wasn't in a space where I could do this, earlier. I can hold down a job again, and do well at it. My therapist and I agreed that I'm done with routine therapy. Medications and therapy, and my determination to get well, even thought it was born from a deep sadness, helped save my life.

Goal: Eat fewer processed grains. "Less white flour, more wheat flour." See what that does. Result: mixed. I've been eating less pasta and refined grains; more quinoa, oats, and whole grains. It wasn't life-changing, but I've now got a habit of eating a little more fiber now. I'm going to call this a win.

Goal: Secret resolution: try new sex thing. This particular thing did not happen, but I am working on it, and my three loving partners, as well as my astounding group of friends, have made 2013 a wonderful year for me in so many more ways than I can count. I'm grateful to you all. This entry was originally posted at http://eredien.dreamwidth.org/3048.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

2011 was kind of a wash for me. There were some good things--making new friends, seeing old ones, achieving the goal I'd had (and had been stymied in by doctors and moving for 2+ years) of actually getting on depression medication, helping my boyfriend figure out what he needs from himself in a relationship with me and his other SO, starting the process of recognizing the good decisions I made in 2010 and forgiving myself for the bad ones. There were some bad things--sharing an apartment with an alcoholic who "forgot" to pay the internet and fix the heat, moving into a second apartment where one roommate constantly promised to move but didn't and the landlord preferred evictions over conversations; having my phone die; having both laptops die; and generally running short of cash from too many moves with too little preparation in too little time.

I am proud that:
- I have started beta-testing as a vendor at an online marketplace which I can't talk about yet but is going to be awesome.
- I have gotten on medication and it has made my life better. I am not scared of medication anymore: it makes me be the person I am at my best, instead of the person I am when I'm at my worst. I am still waiting for medicaid to come through, which is a paperwork bear (as opposed to a paper tiger), but knowing that my doctors won't write off my depression as something I am making up, or tell me that if I changed my body drastically in terms of weight I wouldn't be depressed anymore, is pretty awesome. Also, getting a 90-day refill from my therapists in MA without having to pay $120 out of pocket every three months is amazing. I wish that option had been available to me in October, but now that I am on meds again I am less angry about the fact that it wasn't, and less angry about the fact that I lost another place that had become home because of the fact that the medical establishment limited my access to necessary medication because my insurance wasn't any good there and I couldn't pay out of pocket. Both of these things are good.
- I have become more informed, and more self-informed, about race and the history of racism, both worldwide and in America.
- I have started watching movies and anime that I want to watch and reading books I want to read and reviewing them online when I feel like it. This seems like a very small thing, but when you have held off on having the experiences you wanted to have because you wanted not just the experience of doing the thing, but also the meta-experience of experiencing that experience with other people who care about you and the experience, and the other people want to share those experiences with you but don't set aside time to do so, eventually you get tired of waiting for the other people. It's not as much fun as experiencing these things alone, and I don't enjoy it as much as I would if I had a group of friends and loved ones with me. But it's better than being told, "I want to have this experience and I want to experience it with you, but I won't set a time to tell you when and won't let you set a time for me," and getting confused, hurt, and resentful at constantly having to hold back experiences I wanted to have yesterday, so that I can have them on someone else's constantly-unspecified timeframe, and then hurting the people I love when I express my hurt and resentment to them but present it to them, wrongly, as a personal character failure on their part.
- I have determined that it is necessary for me to find a long-term relationship with another person (probably a woman-type person) who makes it clear to me that I am a pleasure in their life and won't doubt my love for them, while also continuing my relationship with [Bad username or site: ab3nd" @ livejournal.com] for the foreseeable future. I am not ready to go find that relationship yet. I still hurt too much. But I think determining that it was necessary was a good thing.
- I have determined that to get this relationship, I need to make it clear to the other person that they are a pleasure in my life and I want to live with them and enjoy their company and love them, and I will do this by not pointing out the goodness of the good things in my life, instead of complaining about the few bad points of the good things in my life, which is basically how I lose a lot of loved ones and friendships. I was better at this in the past, and I can get better at it again.
- I started going back to the gym (actually, it's what I'm going to do after I finish writing this journal entry). I am going to the gym not even to get in shape because my doctors won't medicate me for sleep issues without weight loss on my part (which was largely the case in 2009-10) or because I think losing weight will make my partners want me more or less than they ever did, because I'm beautiful whether people can see it or not: I am going because an hour or so of physical activity a day gives me a specified time alone to get in touch with my body via physical meditative activity, as well as an opportunity to listen to new music, podcasts, and audiobooks which I wouldn't have time for otherwise. An hour or so of physical activity a day is a great way to set aside positive time for me having my need for time to make and consume art be interrupted by other people's demands of me.
- I have accepted the fact that my family will never approve of my relationships, whether those are friendships or loved ones, because they have a hard time approving of many of the things I do, because they have a hard time approving of themselves because they are resentful of the things they tell themselves they cannot do. Their lack of approval of my relationships is not my problem or my partners' problem. I will keep doing what I am doing in my romantic and sexual life and remind myself to have compassion for others who think poorly of me when I make choices that make me happy, and who think poorly of my friends and loved ones when they make choices that make them happy, and limit my association with such people.
- Finally, I am most proud of getting rid of almost all of my stuff except what I was actually using. I had too much of it, and too much of it was around because I wanted to be a person who had specific experiences (skiing, reading, making jam) but did not actually have those experiences, and so the stuff just sat there reminding me of all the things I wanted to experience but hadn't. If I want to do that stuff, I can: I can borrow someone else's jam making set, or rent skis, or buy more books (though I got a Kindle for Christmas, which is awesome because I will no longer need to move with boxes and boxes of physical books but will still be able to read to my heart's wallet's content. It also makes moving a lot easier for me, both physically and psychologically).

Resolutions for 2012:
- Finish and publish at least two things.
- Continue 365 Days of Art (which took a hiatus for the holidays and will be back today).
- Continue to make my relationships with loved ones deeper by complimenting the people I love instead of complaining about my or their shortcomings within a relationship, which makes them think that I don't love them or respect their choices or respect myself despite my shortcomings, makes me feel that they don't care about what bothers me, and gets me the opposite of what I actually want when I complain (which is respect for the fact that I am bothered by something, manifesting in a mutual discussion about how and why to resolve the problem).
- Keep on meds without a break.
- Sell model horses on ebay.
- Transfer old cassette tape music to MP3s. Sync all MP3 collections across devices.
- Setup KeePass to manage passwords safely between devices. Setup gmail with 2-step authentication again and this time print out everything.
- Catch them all in Pokemon SoulSilver or Diamond.
- Pay off credit card debt, personal debt, cellphone debt, and personal loans racked up in 2010-2011 through unexpected moving and continued medical expenses.
- Continue paying off education loan on a regular basis.
- Make sure multiple address change(s) have percolated through USPS system. easy!
- Sell awesome things on online store.
- Make professional-looking website/twitter.
- Keep going to the gym 3x week. Do not allow my mother to manipulate me into going to the gym more than I need or want to.
- Get a job, preferably with benefits. Continue to explore career options with hands-on internships related to N. Bennett St School degree tracks.
- Apply to N. Bennett St School this year.
- Travel to weddings of various friends. Enjoy myself there. Mission accomplished!
- Get in touch with gender activists at other womens' colleges and continue to work for the rights of MTF transgender women as women in traditionally bio-female-only spaces.
- Transfer LJ to Dreamwidth and set up cross-posting there.
- Get hormone balance tested by a doctor, with new results instead of old ones. Life without PMS is really, truly amazing.
- Get sleep tested by a doctor.
- Get allergy tested by a doctor.
- Make a financial plan for the next 5 years.
- Plan 2013 travel, with suggested places including DC, Boston, Toronto, California, and Belgium.
- Make plans to move back to Boston, including budgeting for a space without roommates and medical emergencies.
- Bike commute in spring, summer, and fall whenever possible.
- Optional bonus resolution: compose music.

I am definitely moving back in with my family. Over the weekend of Nov. 18th and 19th, I will be moving from my current place in MA back to NY.

I've personally been struggling, since spring 2010, to banish as paranoia (as I and others characterized it) the feeling that my loved ones and roommates can't really decide if they want to have my physical presence, much less welcome my physical presence, in the spaces they've said they want to share with me--only to have it turn out that my presence was decidedly unwelcome after all, no matter how regrettable that was, and I needed to be the one to fix the awkward situation by leaving.

This is mostly because, as I realized in the summer of 2010 when my parents weren't there for me in the hospital, that my parents' attitude toward living with me (whether as an adult or as a child), that they want me in their presence when they want me, as a kind of command performance, and want me and the reminders of me out of their presence the rest of the time, that makes me so aware and so hurt when others express ambivalence about having me in their lives, physically, sharing space with them.

I realized this, last summer, and realized that the fix was trying to express that I needed the people who lived with me to express non-ambivalence and actively embrace my presence in their space and in their lives, but my partner at the time was unable to do that, even though I believe she may have wanted to, so the uncertainties built up in my mind.

Of course, that contributed to the problem until my worst fears, the ones I was encouraged by others to think of as impossibly paranoid--and, more importantly, had taught myself to believe in (correctly, still, I think), as impossibly paranoid, because after all I believed I was someone worth living a life together with, or else I would not have taken the leap of faith to move and trust even when things looked hard, and change careers and start admitting my deep desire to further my own self through my own creative work as a job--came true. No wonder I was a wreck. No wonder parts of me still are.

I don't think this will be good for me as a whole experience, but it may lead me to confront the issue at the source, which I think will be good for me. I can only hope. And I will hopefully emerge stronger, able to afford things like the carpentry program I want to persue, able to afford my own damn apartment without being screwed over by a succession of passive-aggressive roommates, able to take love and care from people and give it back without being so needy as to rely on their love and care in a way that terrifies them or makes them resentful of my otherwise awesome, even nee4ded, presence in their life.

To celebrate my moving into a new place, there will be a hosewarming party from 7-9 pm on 8/8/2011! It is in Medford.

Please RSVP by Saturday night so I can tell my roommate J. how much spaghetti to make.

You can email me at cphillips.sears@gmail.com (my personal email is still MIA) or call me to get the address, if you can't see the friendslocked post with the address which I just posted.

Thanks!

When I moved here I was pretty happy that there were 2 porches (1 front and 1 back).

But there is actually only 1. I tried to go out onto the front porch yesterday to pick up the deck chairs that had fallen down during the winter, and found out from my roommate that the front porch door is actually nailed shut because the front porch is structurally unstable and the landlord doesn't care about fixing it; he just doesn't want people to go out there and fall down and get sued.

Meet the new Somerville apartment, same as the old Somerville apartment, I guess.

So, I'm in the process of moving into my new place right now. I'm also in the process, unfortunately, of getting rather violently ill. I thought that if I took it easy yesterday my cough might not develop into a fullblown sore throat/cough of death, but I thought wrong. Eight hours' sleep and lots of tea hasn't helped, and I feel like crap. It would really be awesome if some folks would be willing to pitch in to help me move some of my stuff. I do have the loan of a car for the week, but I want to get it back to lutris by Friday. I'd be happy to feed you.

Basically, I need help, so I figure there's no shame in asking for it. Give me a call, as I'll be away from my computer for most of the day, moving my stuff from storage in Cambridge or lugging it up the stairs.

Edit: the heat went off sometime last night, so my roommate and I woke up to a frigid 50ish degrees. The heat's still out. The heat company is apparently sending somebody over to fix it, but I am guessing that is part of why my cold got worse instead of better. Thankfully, the hot water is a separate system...

The recipe for Tropic Sunset Peach Bread Pudding is up.

The rest of this post consists of three questions, two of which are for Boston-area or potential Boston-area people, and one of which is about clothing. Boston-area questions first:

- Does anybody have a space where they could take in a cat for a month or two? I'm hoping to get at least a part-time job soon, and have had an interview lined up for two weeks now which I am really hopeful about, but due to crazy circumstances that interview has been rescheduled twice--instead of knowing if I'm going to get this job, I've been on tenterhooks. I don't know when I'm going to be able to get an apartment of my own, and the current situation with Oolong is temporary. I'd pay for food, litter, any vet bills, etc, and come by to see her every other week or so. I'd hoped to have an apartment by now, and I've been in talks with realtors and job people, but it's been slow going. There's no lack of non-paying volunteer opportunities, and there's no lack of administrative positions, but I know I'm no good at doing that particular task-set and need something else to be happy; I'm not really willing to compromise my job-related happiness at this point since it looks like my job is going to be the biggest part of my life for a good while, and it's important for me to get this right, and as soon as possible.

- Is anyone in the Boston area (or anyone interested in moving to the Boston area) interested in splitting an apartment with me? I don't drink at all right now but am generally a fan of liquor, don't smoke but don't care if you smoke outside, and am looking for a place where I can have my cat and a lizard. I'm not interested in living with dogs or other csts, and Oolong is probably not a safe bet for birds, but other pets would probably be fine. I am thinking maybe I would like to live in the Teele Sq area or up near Alewife, or maybe real close to the Camberville border in Arlington. I don't have a car and don't plan on getting one. I plan on setting up a mini artstudio space for making and selling my artwork, wherever I end up. I'm LGTBQ, poly, and generally alternative-lifestyle-friendly. I am interested in cooking and gardening and would be happy with a farmshare or actually growing some food outside or inside. I'm vegan. Another vegan or vegetarian roommate would be ideal, but I'm happy to live with meat-eaters. I'm hoping to find a kind of quiet place to relax most of the time, but the occasional loud and noisy party is great. I kind of hope to host a big friendly dinner/movie night once a week or maybe once a month, and enjoy actually knowing and liking my roommates instead of just kind of passing each other in the hallway.Video gaming, RPGing, anime, music, artistic creation, writing, cooking, general nerdliness, graduate school, etc. are also neat.

If interested, or have questions, please email me, call or text, or private message me on lj. Or you can just leave a comment here and I will get in touch with you.

- For genderqueer, queer, transgender, gender-head people, people who aren't satisfied with what "men's clothing" and "women's clothing" is, and other kinds of people who were interested in the clothing marketplace idea that I posted about a while back--it looks like the Genderplayful Marketplace is raising itself up by its black and purple pleather boostraps. I'd like to sell clothing and accessories there. I already have some ideas for shirts, pants, etc, maybe some accessories. I'd like to do a dress with a built-in tie/vest top, for instance. Does anybody have any suggestions of anything they'd really like to see in that space? I'd love to actually, you know, create what you want and what I want, and market it to you.

Safe lives have the same end as extraordinary ones: sport death.

Note to non-MIT people: this isn't a suicide note. Rather, it's a rallying cry. I think I'm finally getting a message.

A friend expressed surprise that I am not planning to stay in Boston. I'm not. I have wanted to be in a home in Indiana since I first visited there in March; I want to go do my masters' in food studies and a PhD in landscape design to build sustainable, food-producing, noninvasive, artistic gardens. I want to do tai chi. I want to birdwatch. I want to start my art company. I want to live somewhere quieter, and greener, and cheaper than Boston, and had been even before I left Boston, as much as I love all my friends here.

It was already time for a change for me before I moved--hence quitting the job and doing an art internship for a month. I was certainly making more progress with my art and cooking and gardening and martial arts and boundaries with my parents--all things that make me happy in and of themselves--in Indiana than I had in Boston in years, despite the fact I was also trying to set up a house and also got quite sick a lot this summer.

In Indiana, I:
Made new kinds of bread and food
Made a great deal of headway on trimming/pruning a neglected garden
Made and submitted a tshirt design for a weekly contest
Wrote four book reviews
Wrote two complete longform poems, and started in again on a work I hadn't looked at since 2007
Took up tai chi again
Deliberately exercised as often as possible to feel good about my own body
Cooked often to be creative, to feel healthy, and to positively take charge of my own diet issues and concerns
Started roughing out applications essays for the food studies program at IU
Learned how to play board and computer games for relaxation with and without friends, without calling myself lazy or feeling guily and without beating myself up when I lost
Wrote text and designed banners for my web store
Began to learn css for my design portfolio
Learned how to use the newest version of iMovie
Started on a webdesign project for my father for my portfolio that I hadn't touched in three months
Started laying aside papers to be scanned or placed into my portfolio/website
Created several sets of notecards with a hand-made stamp of my own design
Designed and sewed a Nintendo DS case
Designed several cellphone charms to sell in my web store
Organized a great deal of my personal paperwork
Found a therapist
Started setting serious boundaries in my relationship with my parents
Started making friends
Decided on a career path and was embarking on creating an income stream from work I genuinely enjoyed
Enjoyed the process of reassessing what I needed from my romantic relationships with both of my partners, and enjoying their own reassessment, though one of those ended abruptly and badly

I think I was able to do all this because I finally felt I had a home, a solid place, physically and in my heart, to reach out from. It turns out that neither those physical or emotional places can be my home anymore now, but that does not mean that I can not and should not make my own--in fact, it is probably the only thing I can and should do right now. In time there will be other physical and emotional places, or maybe some of the old ones differently, with the passage of time and life.

I am planning to use the next few months to find a job in Indiana, and make a portfolio, and write, and apply for grad school at IU, and do martial arts, and finish my basilisk mask, and go to therapy and get meds, and hang out with people when I want, since that is what I was planning on doing anyway. It has been going slowly due to mourning and computer issues, but I am working on those as best I can.

I was not planning on looking for an apartment and packing and moving, and I am not looking forward to doing those things so soon after having just done them--especially since I wanted a vacation this year and both of my vacations were effectively cancelled due to first dire sickness and then breakup, and I did not take a vacation last year either due to cancellation--but if I have to do those unpleasant things in order to do the other things where I want, I think I can forego a vacation.