Tasklist

29/8/12 20:05
eredien: Dancing Dragon (Dancing)
Taking a page from [livejournal.com profile] rax:

To buy sooner rather than later:
New SSHD for eee
Glasses (closeup and distance)
Digital Hygrometer/Therm. for Tokai's tank
Printer paper and Ink or professional business card printing 250 cards on order from vistaprint
Updated shade + finial + bulb adapter for restored antique lamp from great-grandmother K-Mart, of all places!
Sheets for my bed
Notary Public Exam Fee

Video games to buy eventually:
Wario DIY Wii
Replacement Pokewalker for the one I lost at the farmer's mkt
Pokemon Black or White?
Okami Wii/DS?
Fire Emblem Gamecube/Wii/GBA?
Gamecube controller for wii

Other stuff to buy eventually:
Silicon Dawn tarot 2x
An apartment
New modular bed+awesome futon mattress of awesome
Mac Webcam xBox Live webcam works natively in Mac for $10. Awesome.
Butterfly Socks

To find:
DS Charger Yeah it was in my DS case ...

To sew:
Dog coat + Hem B.'s jeans
Doll clothes
Baby hat for B. and L.
Bike basket
Redo world's worst-diagrammed crossstitch
Winter hat pack items
Mending

To list on ebay/craigslist:
Freaking model horse collection argh just break into your own storage unit by remembering that your parents' good intentions will never actually lead them to put aside the time to do things they said he would do with you
Spare piano (don't ask); remember shipping deal w/local piano movers Report craiglist scam to craigslist

To write:
Absinthe Writeup
TY notes to people for whom I have petsitted, for asking for a review
WWIA notes digitization
WWIA chap 5
WWIA chap 6
Email replies to friends
Write 3rd stanza Tesla in Love, don't worry about 1st stanza rewrite yet
Writeup and Submit Sumptuary to GURPS company
Movie/Book writeups: Philadelphia Story
Movie/Book writeups: all the crap I read this spring in the hospital (The Picture of Dorian Gray, Winter Triptych, Bird Friendly Building Design, Washington: A Life, Sex on 6 Legs, Jack Reacher novels, Sew-What Pattern Free Bags, Battle Hymn of Tiger Mother, Sound of a Wild Snail Eating, Animals Make us Human, A Fair Maiden, Goon Squad, America: You Sexy Bitch, Off the Cuff, One Man's Garden, At Home)
Ulysses writeup one good book
Gecko article
Revise sword in the hand
write up sword in the hand
post sword in the hand
Review of Dog Stars
Peachberry pie, 3-tomato eggplant parmesan, and stirfry recipe writeup + carrot-saffron risotto and sweet potato soup
Salty Mango Lassi Ice Cream recipe writeup + photo to flickr, LJ
Writeup of MWPAI exhibits

To read:
Finish Hare w/Amber Eyes
Restart Ulysses
Find public-domain bilingual copy of Brothers Dostovesky, read once Ulysses is done

To website:
Catification writeup + submission
Website design - doesn't have to be fancy, check pininterest re: color schemes
Addon website for Paws & Claws petsitting
Twitter design - should mirror website
LJ design - should mirror website - embed?
Upload final foxes video to Youtube, Flickr
Upload historical local house photos to Flickr in new set, email url to historic preservation people
Upload baby shower photos to Flickr, email url to C & B
1 hr Help mom with photo upload/CD burn
Upload B. bd party photos to Flickr, email URL to Bethany
Get Genderplayful setup with winter hat pack items
Email butter lady for mom
Fish photos, drop off camera to process scan in photos, upload to Flickr
Upload cat show photos to flickr
KeePassX

To design:
Business cards for Paws & Claws petsitting

To post:
Business cards for Paws & Claws
Return ASL DVD to library, get ASL book instead

Games:
Take Go books out of the library again, but this time one at a time
Continue playing through chapter-end book questions on Goban
Play Glitch again, determine if I still want my acct. there This game looks awesomer than ever; too bad it's too slow and keeps crashing my browser.

Jobs:
Notary Public Exam
MCPHS? list pro and con, talk with Peg J.
Check w/BMC CDO
IDG Copy Editor Framingham
Cooking vegan shit in Boston
Call back NH library though chances of hiring are slim since budget did not pass Yeah they hired people already
Catsitting gig 13th-Oct 1
Syracuse Public TV
Check out Peace Corps as a committment for various mental health and dietary reasons I don't think this would be a good idea for me at this time; something to keep in mind for future.
Sub. teaching
Hamilton Editing Position
Spring farm cares

Places to volunteer:
Call back zoo Docent Orientation Oct 14th
Call Boston zoos re: volunteer program http://www.zoonewengland.org/page.aspx?pid=242 apply for Keeper Aide when I am in the area
Get back in touch with BMC gender activism people - try emailing admissions again; get in touch with Wellesley & Holyoke alums
to this end call Rachel D. in Albany

Other things to apply to:
Financial aid for NBSS
Application for NBSS for spring 2013 pres. carpentry program
Tufts summer school session again should I again find myself in Somerville
Clarion 2013
Traditional Building Master's Deg. class at Boston Architectural College

Music:
Perform Für Elise for A. and B. while they are here This didn't get done
Finish composing "TimesNR" in Wario DIY & output to interwebs
Relearn Moonlight Sonata
Call Tina re: piano/organ lesson swap for vegan food? Left email for B.
Fix iTunes (Japanese & Russian transcription error correction, add correct composers for Holst & other classical for sort error correction. Upload entire CD library. Transfer cassettes not avail. on Amazon to MP3. Otherwise buy slowly w/change off of Amazon MP3. Sync iPod to use at gym.)

Exercise:
Go to the gym everyday. Use the time to listen to new music and relax. You don't have to prove any damn thing and if someone tries to make you guilty for spending time on yourself screw it.

Health:
Call foodstamps people and say your father is withholding necessary application info from you out of, apparently, sheer and total personal incompetence. Ask for next steps. Don't be embarrassed; It's not your fault the information has been withheld. Remember that getting rid of food insecurity and into food security will help you. You deserve to eat healthily. Read this article as many times as you need to to make the call.

Consult lawyer (K.?) to ask about statute of limitations on ENT doctor in Indiana who pumped me full of allergens after hospitalization Email K. again Look up stuff K advised me to

Call dojo that offers 1st month free + women's discounts to sit in on a muy tai or taichi class 6 pm beginner's class today Save up $ to restart martial arts

Call Alicia for Coffee

Pin down Brenda and mom for cat show times on 16th Sept. Hahaaa this is so not going to be decided until day of, but I try.

Call P. tomorrow re: catsitting 3 pm appt Sun done

Call D.K. re: fixing broken earrings Call Goldmine or Wilcox's jewelers & get rates Bring earring by, get estimate. Pick up fixed earrings

File:
Remaining stuff in filing cabinet.
Remaining email update list.
Combine buystuff email and personal email
Get new addresses for friends; update in Address book. Sync AB with iPod.
Sync AB with Google
Sync email list between private + personal email addresses.
Update all the accounts.
Stop Serbian hacker

Money:
List all accts in Manilia setup
List all accts in Mint
Balance checkbook + savings accts
Begin paying back remaining interest-bearing debts - call if necessary DONE
Begin paying back personal debts

Gender:
Tarot from Orion?
Consult self re: pronouns at end of year?

Tasklist

31/3/11 13:50
eredien: Dancing Dragon (Default)
Clean cat litter, take out recycling/boxes
Make calls to optometrist to find out if they take my insurance
Schedule optimal bus schedule for tomorrow's RMV/grocery store run
Finish b's dress:
- finish sewing
- learn how to use pleating foot
- prototype pockets w/buttonholes on flap
Make some kind of casserole with the frozen green beans that I haven't eaten for two months
Laundry (evening)
Research gphone with bluetooth headset while at laundry
Play with hyperactive fluffball who chewed on my fingers at 3 am this morning because she was bored
Write review of "You can't take it with you" while at laundry
Write to Grandma while at laundry
Email games person while at laundry
Mail card to Grandma
Shower
Feed and dip Tokai
Hex key on wiggly bed foot
Upload video of Tokai to youtube, link to gecko forum re: MBD/calcium
Figure out what the heck is happening with my roommate, landlord and lease since roommate has been talking to me about util/rent split for April but hasn't given me figures yet
Put anime onto shared drive
Ask R. again for Hataraki Man 3-?

Tomorrow:
RMV and grocery run
Stick hygrometer back onto Tokai's tank with double-sided tape
Determine if I can save my plants or if they're really just too dead despite watering/fertilizing TLC
Plant onion in backyard
Work 10h
Schedule skype call with parents
Schedule post-parental skype phone call with sister
Draft of letter to D
Reschedule Harvard library herptology research
B. dress fitting from 7:30 pm
Send dress photos to B.
Pay uhaul
Email movers re: uhaul cambridge to somerville
Order/find part for connecting VGA output to correct input at resolution
eredien: Dancing Dragon (Default)
I figured out this morning, while showering, that what I didn't want to be married. What I wanted was to live together with Rachel for the rest of my life, doing what we wanted, caring for each other, but not feeling responsible for the things she did in her life, and having her not feel responsible for the things I did in mine. I think that the fact that marriage is commonly understood to be the way that people who care about each other live together for a lifetime blinded me to the fact that I didn't actually want the structure of marriage as it was commonly understood, where you also are supposed to take on some large responsibility for the life the other person leads.

I think, in retrospect, that this was utterly obvious. Since I was 14 or so, I've been telling myself metaphorically, and not in a subtle way either, that I didn't want marriage. But I thought that marriage was the only possible way to live with and love the person(s) I cared about, and since I wanted to live with and love the person(s) I cared about, I picked marriage (and the attendant social baggage and responsibilities that came along with it). I confused the socially sanctioned way of living with and loving others for the only possible way of living with and loving others by conflating the two (and I'd been conflating them since I was 14, too, with the same metaphor I used to tell myself that I didn't want marriage).

Wow, no wonder I felt so lonely. I didn't want the socially sanctioned way of having partner(s) for life, but I thought that was the only way to have a partner. I don't necessarily want the socially sanctioned way of having any relationships, but I thought that was the only way to have any relationships.

I am utterly sure I also had this problem with other relationships, too: my friendships, and my family. Why do I have this problem? I think I had it instilled in me by my family that the only permissible relationship to have with them was the socially sanctioned "loving child/parent" relationship, so no wonder I was struggling under a crushing guilt-burden of social sanctions and appearances when the relationship we actually had was not loving at all. Furthermore, once I was finally able to acknowledge that the relationship was actually abusive rather than loving, I still struggled under the guilt-burden of social sanction, unsure what to do with the social-sanction concept now that it was not tethered to the relationship anymore, but social sanction still remained the most important factor in how I understood relationships.

No wonder I worried so much about what everyone else thought of me and my actions--my relationships with myself--if was monitoring that feeling of social sanction, rather than the love present in any actual relationship, all the time. I felt a lot of pressure to take only socially sanctioned actions, be a socially sanctioned person. And I'm just not, most of the time. :D

That was why I was happiest when I was alone--there was no "social" for me to feel was sanctioning me or that I had to monitor for appropriateness. But after I realized I also needed and deserved humane, loving relationships, to get them I kept putting myself into social situations, and during any interaction with any other person I would put all this social sanction pressure on myself, and manufacture it where it didn't exist. Because without social sanction, I couldn't see a relationship as a relationship, since social sanction was what I understood relationships to be.

[Addendum: I think that I started being able to see that relationships were different from social sanctions of relationships when I came out, but since I still had very little idea that what I ought to desire from a relationship was the relationship rather than the relationship+social sanction, wherever any of my relationships were not socially sanctioned I kept trying to make them be, which came at the expense of the relationships and therefore also at my own expense.]

This is really important. I feel really freed and happy.
eredien: Dancing Dragon (Default)
I am moving back to Boston. Probably in August but prossibly earlier.

Q: Why Boston?
A: I am moving back to Boston, rather than elsewhere, because I already have people I care about there, and activities I care about and can get back into. I also have a therapist who I was already working with. These were the main reasons I chose Boston; it wasn't for the cheap rent. I had hoped to go elsewhere, and was thinking about it (I had been excited about leaving for somewhere else I'd never been to remake my life), but once I realized I wouldn't have to go through the work of finding a therapist I trusted again, Boston was the clear best choice. People in Boston: I hope to see more of you all soon. I expect that our relationships will be somewhat the same as a month ago, and somewhat different.

Q: Why Moving?
A: [livejournal.com profile] rax wasn't sure if she wanted me to move to Bloomington in the first place, but I didn't find that out until two days before the move, largely because that was when she realized it. We decided to move anyway, partly because I had plans here of my own and partly because of the dismal timing of her announcement, and mostly because we decided that if what I was having problems with was "working and having a relationship at the same time," it would not make sense to just concentrate on one or the other; what I needed was both, and time. We agreed that we would try and work on our relationship together after we moved.

Things have been vastly better for me personally since moving here and getting a little time to breathe, and getting out of some of the patterns and roles I had accidentally put myself in, but they have not gotten better enough for her to feel comfortable living here with me. Besides not knowing if she wanted to move, [livejournal.com profile] rax realized two weeks after moving here that she doesn't know if she wants to marry me, and doesn't know if she wants to marry anyone in particular, ever. So she is also under a lot of introspection and stress, and the fact that I am trying to work through our relationship now as-is with all my issues isn't helping her make up her mind about anything else she has been thinking about.

We are currently still engaged and currently still interested in remaining in a relationship.

Q: Why August?
A: [livejournal.com profile] rax and I were planning on being in Boston at that time anyway for some mutual friends' weddings. I may go earlier, I may go later.

Q: What happened to your relationship?
A: I am trying hard to recover from abuse in my past--and that's good--but the way in which I am doing that has been actively damaging to me and to her. I have been using her to try and heal from something that she can't heal me from. It has hurt me, and hurt her, and I have been using our relationship to hurt myself emotionally (which is, of course, also hurting her). So I need to get some space and fix my head.

Q: What is going to happen to your relationship?
A: We are going to continue to have a relationship and try to be together long-distance. We don't know if it's going to work out, but we are hoping it will. The plan is to visit a few times, and talk on the phone and try and figure out how things are going. Eventually, if it is getting better, then we are going to try living together in Indiana again at some point in the future. I am scared about having a long-distance relationship--my last serious long-distance relationship left too much room for me to misunderstand the other person and too much room for me to misunderstand myself and my commitment--but I think I have learned something since then.

Q: Is anyone else moving?
A: I am taking my gecko back to Boston, but leaving Oolong here with Rachel. The move was stressful enough on the cats last time, and we both think that separating them again is going to do more harm than good. It will also be vastly easier for me to find an apartment if the only pet I have lives in a tank.

Q: Can I help you or Rachel?
A: If anyone has any job or pet-friendly apartment leads in the Boston area, hopefully in reach of public transport since I will not have a car, please let me know.

Q: What now?
A: Now I am going to bed because I was up until 4 last night, worrying that something like this might happen. In two weeks I am going to visit [livejournal.com profile] lotusbiosm, [livejournal.com profile] seishonagon, [livejournal.com profile] thespooniest, [livejournal.com profile] angstnokami, and B. in Virginia.

Q: Is this what you want?
A: No. I want to stay in Indiana and try and work this out. I just unpacked my office last week. I spent 3 hours hanging up the awesome new projector system for the Wii. I was looking forward to hanging a feeder for hummingbirds in July and August.

Q: Do you think it is a good idea for you to stay in Indiana?
A: Not at this time, if [livejournal.com profile] rax and I want to save our relationship, which we do.

Q: How are you feeling?
A:
...Discouraged.
...Like I can't believe I have to pack again.
...Confused.
...Frustrated that I cannot just go live with previous housemates.
...Like I am not looking forward to that drive.
...Worried about money.
...Guilty.
...Slow to change in a meaningful way.
...Hoping that therapy will actually do something this time.
...Terrified.
...Sad
...I miss my cat already.
...Boston is probably going to seem noisier and more dirty than normal to me this summer.
...Worried that the friendships I have in Boston are going to crumble under the stress I will be coming back into them with.
...Excited that there is something concrete I can do to try and fix my and [livejournal.com profile] rax's relationship instead of trying to throw myself at things to see what sticks.
...Hopeful that [livejournal.com profile] rax, once she has some breathing room, also finds that there is something she can do to fix our relationship.
...Thrilled that I might have the ability to try going on medications for the first time ever.
...Happy about being able to intern at the maskmaking workshop again in my spare time.
...Excited that there may come a time when [livejournal.com profile] rax and I want to be in the same room together again.
.................Generally exhausted.

Sympathy is ok, although arguably of limited utility at this juncture; sniping will be discouraged.

Things to do before moving back to Boston:

    Find apartment/roommates
    Find job
    Get bedframe + mattress
    Packing
    Pack Truck
    Laundry
    get warmpacks for Tokai
    Send out email/LJ announcement with new address
    Change of Address
    Go to Bank
    Charge Phone, iPod, computer
    Water plants
    Go to pet store to buy gecko food for first week in house


Things to do after moving:

    Bring boxes into house
    Return moving truck
    Set up gecko area
    Setup bed
    Sleep
    Eat
    Finish last part of [livejournal.com profile] rushthatspeaks' origami mobile
    Call parents/email friends to let them know I am alive
    Water plants
    Find new vet for Tokai, transfer records
    Change voter registration back again
    Change addresses for companies, gov't. again
    Unpack
    Transfer old computer to new computer
    Changes of Address for memberships, college again, email flyers, amazon, etc.
    Reregister for Boston museum email newsletters
    403(b) paperwork
    Bryn Mawr Boston Membership Cards
    Redo resume
    Put 5 layers of paper mache on basilisk mask so I can release mold & give back underlying layer to E.
    Do business cards
    Setup my website with resume, portfolio of artworks/design
    Setup dad's website
    Paint mask
    Return mask head to E.
    Start doing taichi in the morning
    Setup appointment with old therapist
    Find new church
    Visit bike mechanic
    Get haircut if I can afford it
    Finish last part of [livejournal.com profile] rushthatspeaks' origami mobile

March 2016

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