eredien: Dancing Dragon (Default)
Yay! Aqueduct Press' The Moment of Change feminist speculative poetry anthology is released and ready to order!

My poem "The Last Yangtze River Dolphin" is reprinted in it, but even if it wasn't, I'd be urging you to get this book. It's full of absolutely incredible poems by a hugely diverse group of people--women, men, genderqueer people, transgendered persons, straight people, queer people, people of color, and people who refuse to self-define.

The poems are mythic and simple; beautiful and complicated; bright and dark. Please read this book. If you are at Wiscon, you can get it there and go to a reading as well.
eredien: Dancing Dragon (Default)
2011 was kind of a wash for me. There were some good things--making new friends, seeing old ones, achieving the goal I'd had (and had been stymied in by doctors and moving for 2+ years) of actually getting on depression medication, helping my boyfriend figure out what he needs from himself in a relationship with me and his other SO, starting the process of recognizing the good decisions I made in 2010 and forgiving myself for the bad ones. There were some bad things--sharing an apartment with an alcoholic who "forgot" to pay the internet and fix the heat, moving into a second apartment where one roommate constantly promised to move but didn't and the landlord preferred evictions over conversations; having my phone die; having both laptops die; and generally running short of cash from too many moves with too little preparation in too little time.

I am proud that:
- I have started beta-testing as a vendor at an online marketplace which I can't talk about yet but is going to be awesome.
- I have gotten on medication and it has made my life better. I am not scared of medication anymore: it makes me be the person I am at my best, instead of the person I am when I'm at my worst. I am still waiting for medicaid to come through, which is a paperwork bear (as opposed to a paper tiger), but knowing that my doctors won't write off my depression as something I am making up, or tell me that if I changed my body drastically in terms of weight I wouldn't be depressed anymore, is pretty awesome. Also, getting a 90-day refill from my therapists in MA without having to pay $120 out of pocket every three months is amazing. I wish that option had been available to me in October, but now that I am on meds again I am less angry about the fact that it wasn't, and less angry about the fact that I lost another place that had become home because of the fact that the medical establishment limited my access to necessary medication because my insurance wasn't any good there and I couldn't pay out of pocket. Both of these things are good.
- I have become more informed, and more self-informed, about race and the history of racism, both worldwide and in America.
- I have started watching movies and anime that I want to watch and reading books I want to read and reviewing them online when I feel like it. This seems like a very small thing, but when you have held off on having the experiences you wanted to have because you wanted not just the experience of doing the thing, but also the meta-experience of experiencing that experience with other people who care about you and the experience, and the other people want to share those experiences with you but don't set aside time to do so, eventually you get tired of waiting for the other people. It's not as much fun as experiencing these things alone, and I don't enjoy it as much as I would if I had a group of friends and loved ones with me. But it's better than being told, "I want to have this experience and I want to experience it with you, but I won't set a time to tell you when and won't let you set a time for me," and getting confused, hurt, and resentful at constantly having to hold back experiences I wanted to have yesterday, so that I can have them on someone else's constantly-unspecified timeframe, and then hurting the people I love when I express my hurt and resentment to them but present it to them, wrongly, as a personal character failure on their part.
- I have determined that it is necessary for me to find a long-term relationship with another person (probably a woman-type person) who makes it clear to me that I am a pleasure in their life and won't doubt my love for them, while also continuing my relationship with [Bad username or site: ab3nd" @ livejournal.com] for the foreseeable future. I am not ready to go find that relationship yet. I still hurt too much. But I think determining that it was necessary was a good thing.
- I have determined that to get this relationship, I need to make it clear to the other person that they are a pleasure in my life and I want to live with them and enjoy their company and love them, and I will do this by not pointing out the goodness of the good things in my life, instead of complaining about the few bad points of the good things in my life, which is basically how I lose a lot of loved ones and friendships. I was better at this in the past, and I can get better at it again.
- I started going back to the gym (actually, it's what I'm going to do after I finish writing this journal entry). I am going to the gym not even to get in shape because my doctors won't medicate me for sleep issues without weight loss on my part (which was largely the case in 2009-10) or because I think losing weight will make my partners want me more or less than they ever did, because I'm beautiful whether people can see it or not: I am going because an hour or so of physical activity a day gives me a specified time alone to get in touch with my body via physical meditative activity, as well as an opportunity to listen to new music, podcasts, and audiobooks which I wouldn't have time for otherwise. An hour or so of physical activity a day is a great way to set aside positive time for me having my need for time to make and consume art be interrupted by other people's demands of me.
- I have accepted the fact that my family will never approve of my relationships, whether those are friendships or loved ones, because they have a hard time approving of many of the things I do, because they have a hard time approving of themselves because they are resentful of the things they tell themselves they cannot do. Their lack of approval of my relationships is not my problem or my partners' problem. I will keep doing what I am doing in my romantic and sexual life and remind myself to have compassion for others who think poorly of me when I make choices that make me happy, and who think poorly of my friends and loved ones when they make choices that make them happy, and limit my association with such people.
- Finally, I am most proud of getting rid of almost all of my stuff except what I was actually using. I had too much of it, and too much of it was around because I wanted to be a person who had specific experiences (skiing, reading, making jam) but did not actually have those experiences, and so the stuff just sat there reminding me of all the things I wanted to experience but hadn't. If I want to do that stuff, I can: I can borrow someone else's jam making set, or rent skis, or buy more books (though I got a Kindle for Christmas, which is awesome because I will no longer need to move with boxes and boxes of physical books but will still be able to read to my heart's wallet's content. It also makes moving a lot easier for me, both physically and psychologically).

Resolutions for 2012:
- Finish and publish at least two things.
- Continue 365 Days of Art (which took a hiatus for the holidays and will be back today).
- Continue to make my relationships with loved ones deeper by complimenting the people I love instead of complaining about my or their shortcomings within a relationship, which makes them think that I don't love them or respect their choices or respect myself despite my shortcomings, makes me feel that they don't care about what bothers me, and gets me the opposite of what I actually want when I complain (which is respect for the fact that I am bothered by something, manifesting in a mutual discussion about how and why to resolve the problem).
- Keep on meds without a break.
- Sell model horses on ebay.
- Transfer old cassette tape music to MP3s. Sync all MP3 collections across devices.
- Setup KeePass to manage passwords safely between devices. Setup gmail with 2-step authentication again and this time print out everything.
- Catch them all in Pokemon SoulSilver or Diamond.
- Pay off credit card debt, personal debt, cellphone debt, and personal loans racked up in 2010-2011 through unexpected moving and continued medical expenses.
- Continue paying off education loan on a regular basis.
- Make sure multiple address change(s) have percolated through USPS system. easy!
- Sell awesome things on online store.
- Make professional-looking website/twitter.
- Keep going to the gym 3x week. Do not allow my mother to manipulate me into going to the gym more than I need or want to.
- Get a job, preferably with benefits. Continue to explore career options with hands-on internships related to N. Bennett St School degree tracks.
- Apply to N. Bennett St School this year.
- Travel to weddings of various friends. Enjoy myself there. Mission accomplished!
- Get in touch with gender activists at other womens' colleges and continue to work for the rights of MTF transgender women as women in traditionally bio-female-only spaces.
- Transfer LJ to Dreamwidth and set up cross-posting there.
- Get hormone balance tested by a doctor, with new results instead of old ones. Life without PMS is really, truly amazing.
- Get sleep tested by a doctor.
- Get allergy tested by a doctor.
- Make a financial plan for the next 5 years.
- Plan 2013 travel, with suggested places including DC, Boston, Toronto, California, and Belgium.
- Make plans to move back to Boston, including budgeting for a space without roommates and medical emergencies.
- Bike commute in spring, summer, and fall whenever possible.
- Optional bonus resolution: compose music.
eredien: Dancing Dragon (Default)
So back in the early summer of 2010, I posted about an Upstate NY film fest I'd have liked to host, but since I'd just moved and nobody else seemed interested-- and one of the only reasons I personally spend time watching movies, anime, or TV is in order to share and discuss the movie's ideas and art with other people who I think might enjoy, hate, or be disturbed and intrigued by them, to share insights and debate and conversation with friends--I let the idea drop.

But I'm here now, in upstate NY, and it's cold, and library movie rental is cheap. Still no friends to discuss movies with in person, unfortunately, but maybe people have watched or will watch these movies on their own and want to discuss them.

So, a review of Frozen River, from 2008. This movie opens with a shot of snow, and trees, and more snow, and some decrepit buildings and the sky a steely shade of grey. I thought, "it's like looking out my window." A sense of place is really strong in this movie, and what the place--Massina, NY, a real town--says almost more than the people in it is "hope passed through here on the way to a better place." Ray, a woman whose life has treated her hard, works in the dollar store and lives in a trailer park like the one my school bus used to pass through; Lila, a Mohawk whose legal job options in the movie appear to be stuck somewhere between "answering phones in the Tribal offices" or "stamping people's bingo cards" lives in a trailer without heat, and needs more money in order to get her child back from her mother-in-law, who took him after Lila's husband died.

The two women are desperate--for Ray, a promised promotion to full-time employment hasn't come for two years, and her husband has run off with the down-payment for their new trailer, which she was going to get just in time for Christmas. For Lila she's been living with the personal and political--both inter-Tribal and extra-Tribal--implications of her husband's death during that smuggling run ever since; people suspect her of running the border or make it clear they resent her for her husband's death every time she leaves her trailer. She spends a lot of time in there.

In a very real way, this movie is about absence--absence of industry, absence of men (we never see Ray's husband or any memento of Lila's husband in the film, but the absence of both men is a presence throughout, and the grown men in the rest of the movie are all incidental), absence of money.

The two women meet--Lila co-opted Ray's second car, the one Ray's husband drove off in, and Ray follows Lila home, unsure if she's doing it for news of her husband but sure about needing the car back--and abrade; they're both too stubborn and too strong and too hurt. They don't converse for the first few meetings so much as aggress at each other in sentences. Lila knows where Ray can make money, but has no car. Ray has a car.

They start running immigrants across the border. They lose their families, a little--Lila passes up a job someone finds for her, and Ray lies to her eldest son about what she's doing. They start to become friends, even as they're not sure how to do that. It seems neither of them has had a friend for a very long time.

There's a subplot where Ray's eldest son, left alone with popcorn to eat and a kid brother who wants nothing except an unattainable $15 Hot Wheels track for Christmas, wondering where his dad is and when his mom is going to get home (and starting to be suspicious about her lies about the dollar store promotion), scams elderly Tribal members for their credit cards in a mix of altruism for his brother, resentment toward his parents' absence, and racism toward Mohawks (his mother described her first meeting with Lila to him in less-than-glowing terms, and hasn't been home much since, so he has no idea why his mother seems to slowly make a path from resentment to a sort of mute understanding, and his complex mix of emotions reflects very real and unfortunate regional political infighting between upstate NY tribal peoples and politicians whose main constituents are all broke and resentful white people. Charlie McDermott plays the boy. I think he's the finest actor in this movie; you can watch McDermott's character knowing he's crossed a moral line and then justifying it to himself with the desperate need for self-justification of someone who's doing something seriously wrong for the first time, and paper over all of that with the factor that it's fun for him to impersonating somebody else's voice and life over the phone and get away with it, and show the fact that he's still naive enough as a teenager to show that he's having fun transgressing with the impersonation, a pleasure an adult might not allow themselves to acknowledge or take from the moral transgression. There's a scene with a blowtorch and Ray--the second one--which I think is beautiful. I love how the actor wears the clothing his character has--it's ten years out of date of cool, and he knows it, but ten years out of date is only five years out of date where he lives, and he pretends it's cool anyway and almost succeeds in making it so via conviction.

So much of this movie takes place inside the interior of a car that it becomes a stand-in for the personal interiors that are this movie's true driving force; you can feel the cold leaching through the windows and battling the heating system in the car and it becomes metaphor. When Ray gets out and runs, when the ice sags way--everything in this movie is too tired to crack--under that first wheel, it's almost like freedom.

This is not, despite everything, an ultimately depressing film, rather the reverse. Recommended.

Edit: I've just reserved the next 2 films I wanted to watch in this series, Canadian Bacon and October Country, on hold at the library, so if people want to pick them up and then watch and chat, you can.
eredien: Dancing Dragon (Default)
My dad and I got into a fight today because he didn't respect my opinion about something and then later tried to shush me loudly and rudely when I tried talking to him about why I was upset, and my mother has a totally racist 'funny' work forward printed out and sitting on our kitchen table that I am trying to figure out how to confront her about, but those are not the only things that have me thinking, "something's badly wrong here, in this place."

My mom and I just came back from the Muppet movie--I'd been wanting to go, so she took me. It was pretty fun (I am really looking forward to the Studio Ghibli adaptation of the Borrowers, which was like my favorite book in 3rd grade!) until we got to the parking lot after the movie, at which point a panhandler walked up to our car. My mom rolled down the window a crack, and the woman asked, "look, are you nice people?" My mom repeated the question sarcastically--"are we nice people?"--rolled the window up, said, "I guess not," and drove away.

I sat in absolute stunned silence all the way home while my mom made the following comments:
- "See, those other people next to us didn't help her either."
- "There was this guy in front of my office who used the 'I need help' spiel on me and my coworkers without realizing he'd said it before, and when he'd used it before we'd given him help and places to go and he went there for a while and then was back in the same spot using the same old story a month later."

We paused in the parking lot of my parents' home:
- "I want you to know, [Eredien], that if she had really needed help I would have helped her."

I interjected at that point, saying, "how do you know what she needed? You didn't even listen to her."

My mother: "If you really need help you don't go up to people and ask if they're 'nice people.' You go up to people and say, 'I need help.'"

I don't always give to panhandlers. I didn't tonight because I didn't have my wallet on me, and I haven't been giving lately because I'm deep in debt and need to save my money to get out of the spot I'm in. But there's a difference, a big one, between listening for a few moments and going, "sorry, I can't help you today," and meaning it, and saying, "well, I'm not a nice person!" But I wish I had my wallet tonight.

I am baffled, and hurt, and angry, and shocked, and deeply saddened. I am also angry that I'm angry, and baffled that I'm baffled--what the hell else did I expect? Must I truly grow a tougher skin again and pretend like everything that offends or upsets me doesn't matter just so I can live in this place without daily screaming fights?
eredien: Dancing Dragon (Default)
I don't play Dragon Age 2, but the gist of it is this: your player character can get hit on in-game by male or female NPCs. You, as a PC, can choose to turn down their advances and advance the plot some other way, or continue talking to them and advance the plot that way.

A straight white male gamer wrote to Bioware about how this made him cry.

A BioWare writer wrote back, basically saying, "check your privilege. Straight white guys aren't our only market and aren't the only gamers we care about, and homophobes definitely aren't."

Then there was a comments thread. A comments thread where people said sensible things like (paraphrased): "just turn them down politely if you aren't interested, just like you'd do in real life," or "I can't believe this is 2011 and we're still having this discussion," or "straight white guys see gay people in their games and get uncomfortable; gay people see straight white guys in real life and get killed. You're really lucky, straight white guys," or even, "so, you're homophobic. You recognize gay people make you uncomfortable. That's what that word means. Deal with it. Accept that people are going to call you that until such time as you're not uncomfortable anymore, because that's what you are. Deal with the consequences of having the fears you admit to having."

For the most part, it's a really inspiring comments thread. It makes me feel like anti-racism work and anti-homophobia work is really, actually, affecting real life.

Video gaming fans--just regular people who like to play games!--are talking about stuff like privilege and gender identity and joking about adding options for Kinsey scale sliders during character creation, then pointing out that wouldn't help anyway since it's not like your PC is walking around with a big sign over their head telling NPCs that they're straight. People were thanking each other for mounting eloquent defenses of multiple types of queer visibility in mass media platforms in the face of heterosexual normativity. It was pretty inspirational.
eredien: Dancing Dragon (Default)
I am slowly beginning to start reading my lj friends list again, for those of you who were wondering when/if I would start to do this again. It's more of an experiment as to "do I really want to spend time on this?" than anything else, but since it's also one of the main ways my friends and I keep up with each other, keeping up with that is important to me. I just need to get better at skimming, I think.

In other news, I'm sick. I woke up at 6 am today after getting 6 hours of sleep, and then slept until 4 pm with no break. This usually means I'm really sick. I've also been having absolutely horrible headaches, but have remembered to take ibuprofen and they mostly seem to be gone now, as does the ear infection I was working on on Saturday. I *hate* getting my period, which also explains why I cried randomly on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and had trouble sleeping Wednesday evening, without knowing why.

rant on reproductive health )

For my birthday, I treated myself to a movie Saturday afternoon, Rango [edit: Rango is rated PG], and realized two things:
- I didn't really like Rango. I thought the character design was interesting, and the commentary on water supply and control in urban desert areas was interesting (groundwater policy), and the end-credits had a fun design, but it had a lot of really problematic stereotypes (hicks, Native Americans) which it bought into because it was a movie in the mold of a traditional American Western, and that made the whole movie not really worth it.
- Lots of children's movies that are made with anthro animal characters now are the same movies that would have been made (or were made) with live human actors in the past, and if they were made with live human actors today, they would not get a G rating (I dunno if they'd get a PG rating, either, but in any case Rango was obviously aimed at children). Computer-generated animals can get hurt and have the bad guy fire at them and be trapped in a cell slowly filling with water and almost drown, and computer-generated animal women can be assaulted and threatened by the bad guys with sexual undertones, and computer-generated animals can be stereotypically wise Native Americans or stereotypically uneducated hicks, and it can be funny, and or/dramatic and full of action and shootouts, etc. Whereas if this same movie had been made with human live actors, people would have been more clearly able to see the problematic stereotypes and the violence for what they were, and this movie would have been rated PG-13 at the least. It's really interesting, actually--I found the movie to be a really compelling example of a genre that usually has to be marketed to adult viewers when human actors are used, but can be easily shown to children if all the problematic issues of having humans shoot and assault each other are glossed over by having geckos and snakes and rabbits replace human actors. I realized for the first time that the movie studios are able to market adult plots to children in the guise of anthromoporphic CGI, so they're able to tell stories that they couldn't with human actors in the same roles. (This realization was the reason I kept watching this movie after being disappointed in the stereotyping; indeed it was the stereotyping that led me to this realization). This is good, on one level--kids' movies can have humorous, complicated plots with a lot of drama and quick wit. But on the other hand, why is it so easy for adults and children alike to overlook stereotyping when the actors are groundhogs, as opposed to humans? Then I realized that almost *all* the children's movies I see are about anthro characters. Part of this is the CGI uncanny valley and the long tradition of anthro animals in childrens' fare and the expense of live actors vs CGI, of course, but I think the studios are telling stories with animals in place of humans partly because they can get away with doing things with animals they could never in a million years do with human characters, and still get that G rating and do a lot of merchandising besides.