Eredien's Journal

Therapy & Mental Health: yesterday, my therapist and I both agreed that I am pretty much done with therapy for right now. I feel happier and way more confident in my life and have mechanisms in place to deal with the bad stuff. It doesn't seem like I was in therapy for more than three years, but it's a different kind of work than I was thinking it was when I went into it, so the time-dilation makes a little bit of sense to me. I am really proud. I still have problems (see below) but I can deal with them in a reasonable manner. I am still taking meds for PCOS and bipolar disorder, which seem to be working really, extraordinarily well.

Home life: my parents are transphobes, my mother explicitly told me that she wants me to settle down with a man or a 'real woman'. Going to have a talk about this with my mother. On other hand, mother does not have cancer again, so that's good.

Creativity: I have gone into my winter creativity phase, which mostly means writing poetry, reading long involved novels, drawing, and sewing (as opposed to my summer phase, which is writing longer works of fiction, reading short stories, gardening, and website design). I am really happy with where I am at in my sewing; it looks more professional every day. Also when I move back to the Boston area I am planning on trying to do my maskmaking/puppeteering internship again.

Fitness/body image: this is slowly progressing. I am going to a weekly meeting that is helping. I have decided that I would rather lose weight and see what that does to my breasts and shape than get top surgery; I don't think I want it anymore and I figure if I do later the procedure will still be there.

Work: I got promoted from intern to part-timer, which means more responsibility and not being paid under the table. Yay for daily structure.

Relationships & Friendships: Long distance relationships with my friends and partners still suck, but I have kind of gotten used to it. I try to see people when I can, which also involves being able to say 'I can't see this person right now' when I can't. My life is much better for the way I now manage relationships that are important to me instead of letting my relationships manage my moods. I had a fantastic minivacation where I got to see A., B., and E. this past weekend and managed to break through some of my remaining psychosexual fears in a big way, which was incredibly rewarding. Things with R and R' are slowly, slowly coming back to a level of friendship I haven't felt from them in years, which is also fantastic. The support of I. through all this has been steadfast not to mention hilarious. I feel really amazed and grateful to have such incredible people in my life.

Food: the biggest change in my life this year has been my deciding two things: I can be veg* at home if I'm not vocal about it--no one will miss me eating cheese or meat if I don't make a big deal out of it--and that I want to start fishing. I went fishing this summer and really found it incredibly relaxing, though I caught close to nothing. I've decided that I will eat what I catch if I can, which is consistent with my overall food philosophy of taking personal responsibility for the things I eat and trying to grow or kill as much of it myself as possible. Next possible food project: keeping rescue chickens?

Moving plans: progressing apace with my bank account (did I mention I'm grateful for my job)? I may move to Boston and commute to Western MA to see B., I may move to Western MA with B. and commute to the semi-Boston area to see A. Still looking for Boston jobs, especially in editing or writing. Really where I live depends on what kind of job I get and what my plans with B. solidify into. We are thinking of getting some kind of cohousing--a shared duplex, or possibly nearby apartments.

Travel: Belgium in 2015 with A. I also actually have a price on my dream trip to Russia/Mongolia/China/Japan and am saving up for that.

Religion/God: I am impressed with the new pope even though I currently consider myself agnostic. I went to Jewish services for the first time last week and really enjoyed all the singing and debate of theology even though I don't believe in the efficacy of prayer as such. Chi work both with and without my partners is going well. Saving up for martial arts again even though my mother considers them unwomanly (another thing to talk with her about).
This entry was originally posted at http://eredien.dreamwidth.org/2405.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

This is a fast and easy soup for the crockpot or rice cooker. Feel free to substitute ingredients as needed; great for getting rid of the half-tomatoes and partial bags of frozen corn most people have in their refrigerator. Great for fall when you start getting sinus colds. Very homey, and delicately spicy without being overwhelming. You could also add a little bit of meat substitute if you are so inclined, but I didn't have any on hand.

Ingredients:
1/2 12 oz. canned corn (frozen ok)
1 sm can tomato soup
1/2 small red onion, chopped
1-2 cloves garlic, minced
2 Tbsp olive oil (mine was deliciously flavored with garlic and chilies)
2 Tbsp vegan sour cream or cream cheese
2 medium half-ripe tomatoes, sliced
5 grape or cherry tomatoes, cut in half
1 Tbsp Old Bay Seasoning
1 Bay Leaf
1/2 small leftover rice (this was about a cup; I used half of a takeout container's worth of rice)
1 T sriracha sauce
1 T better than broth vegetable broth
2 c water
3 lime quarters
1/2 t cinnamon
Cilantro if desired
Salt and pepper to taste

Equipment:
Stick blender or regular blender
Pot, crockpot, or rice cooker

Stick everything except the cilantro into your cooking vessel of choice. Simmer or heat on low until roma tomatoes have dissolved; grape tomatoes should still be slightly intact. Blend.

Add chopped cilantro as garnish. Enjoy!

Serves: 6-8 people

The next time I buy another giant zucchini for $1, I am making this. I am not going to toss it into miso soup, which was a bad idea. I like squash, but I keep preparing it badly, such that I never buy it, or buy it and get overenthusiastic about throwing it into random recipes, to "see what happens." Answer: sad vegan.

Creamy Squash Casserole
(from Pleasant Valley Farm in Hubbardsville, NY)

3 zucchini, or one giant zucchini for $1
3 yellow squash
10 3/4 oz can cream of "chicken" soup (really, I would just use soymilk & vegan better than broth)
2 3/4 c herb-flavored stuffing mix, divided
1 c soy sour cream
1/3 c soy margarine, softened
2 carrots, shredded
1/2 c onion, chopped (I personally think leeks would be better)

Combine squash w/small amt of water in a saucepan. Bring to a boil for 3 minutes. Drain and set aside.

In large bowl, combine soup, sour cream, margarine, carrots, and onions. Stir in 2 c stuffing mix.

Fold in squash; transfer to a greased 13x9 in baking pan. Sprinkle with remaining stuffing mix.

Bake uncovered at 350 deg. F for 25 min.

Makes 10-12 servings.

Can be divided into two 9-inch pans. Bake one, freeze the other.

When I was very small, I would go behind my house and take the fuzzy red berries off of the trees and soak them in water and feed the tea to my dolls assorted animal figurines. Turns out I should have been drinking it myself, because:

a.) Most varieties of sumac found in the US are not poisonous, and the one that is looks really different from the other ones
b.) Man, it is tasty. It is my new taste of summer.
c.) Full of vitamin C!

I used this Steve Brill recipe with Staghorn Sumac, which grows wild at the edges of wooded fields and along parking lots and roadsides throughout the northeast--it's the one where the leaves turn a flaming orange-red for a week in the fall. There are also other varieties of edible sumac elsethere in the country. I really, really suggest this food. It is fresh, it is zingy, it is delicious without being overwhelming, it is a lovely pale pink color, and it is free.

Especially if you, like me, love acidic foods. Imagine a caper that is vaguely sweet instead of salty. That, my friends, is sumac.

Note: the sumacs that grow in the USA are not quite the same as the sumacs that people make a ground Indian spice out of, sadly, but honestly it's quite good by itself.

Here are some recipes for things you can make with Sumac!

Preheat oven to 350 deg F. Get a regular-sized muffin tin. Line it with scraps of filo dough, brushing briefly with olive oil. Add either:

Mushrooms in Filo
- Wash 12 mushrooms, take out stems; put in whole to filo-lined muffin cups.
- Add fresh marjoram, pepper, and garlic salt. Rosemary optional.
- Put in 350 deg. F oven for 15-20 m or until done. Allow to cool on wire rack in tin so filo keeps its shape.
Makes 12 mushroom bites. Great for appetizers or just eating. A good way to use up the last few mushrooms in the bin.



Moroccan-Influenced Sweet Potato rounds in Filo
- Get 12 frozen sweet potato rounds (you can find these at Aldi's or at Trader Joe's). Do not thaw. Place 1 round each in prepared filo-lined muffin tin.
- Add cumin, coriander, salt, and pepper to taste.
- Add a small amount of vegan margarine to each muffin cup.
- Put in 250 deg. oven for 15-20 minutes or until the most delicious smell ever fills the room. Allow to cool on wire rack in tin so filo keeps its shape.
Makes 12 sweet potato bites. You will immediately want to eat more so I suggest making a double batch of these. Best served warm. They are also excellent cold the next day and can be refrigerated in a tupperware for several days.





Edited: added photos!

I made a new dressing! I think this would taste just as good if you left out the Tobasco sauce.

1 1/2 Tbsp Vegan mayonnaise
3-4 dashes Tobasco sauce
1 Tbsp red rice miso paste
1 heaping Tbsp raspberry-rhubarb jam
1/2 T balsamic vinegar

In bowl or mug, mix mayonnaise and Tobasco.
Add miso paste and stir thoroughly until miso is dissolved.
Add jam and stir unti dissolved.
Add balsamic vinegar to taste/consistency.

Enjoy!
Makes 2-3 T dressing

Look for two more recipes tomorrow!

Yesterday night, thomasyan and his girlfriend K.Y. came over and we all cooked handmade soba noodles. They were delicious! They were the first hommade handmade noodles I have ever eaten. Thomas says you can special order the buckwheat noodle making flour from Miso Market in Cambridge.

I cooked a lot of food today, because between bike rides and school visits this week will probably be really busy.
1.) Seitan Cutlets, from the Veganomicon.
2.) Madeira Cake, from Shapter's fantastic book "Bread Machine." Unfortunately, I decided to cook it in the oven rather than in the bread machine, and it did not fully release from the pan. I wound up with a fluffy-topped loaf and a crusty and delicious bottom. However, this was not a loss, because I invented...
3.) Apple Mistake Cake. This is kind of like a tart, kind of like an upside-down cake, and kind of like Tarte Tatin. It's basically layers of thinly-sliced apples, brushed with lemon and vanilla extracts, covered with a dusting of arrowroot powder, covered with a layer of Madeira cake crumbles, then repeat until you run out of apples and Madeira cake. The arrowroot combines with the apple juices and the extracts to make a delicious cakey thing. This is currently freezing, and those who come to the Halloween party will be able to taste it.
4.) Honey Agave Syrup Cake, again from "Bread Machine." Unfortunately, for some reason, this didn't turn out that well, and made only a vaguely sweet vaguely whole-wheaty loaf. Totally edible for breakfast, though, with jam and soy margarine.
5.) Rice Cooker Hearty Chili. I realized that though I hate boiling dried beans, my rice cooker will do that for me, so I tossed some kidney beans and some navy beans in with water and broth concentrate and various spices, and then added tomatoes when the beans were done, and then added rice when the tomatoes were warm. I added in some cubed seitan, and now I have dinner for every night until next week.
6.) Spicy Peach Seitan Grilled Cheese. This is simple: Tortilla, add vegan pepperjack cheese. Fry in lightly oiled pan. Now when the cheese starts bubbling, add a few seaweed strips (or spinach, but I wanted seaweed), some hot peach jam, and some strips of seitan. Another tortilla goes on top. Flip. Eat. Yum.
7.) Whole Wheat Pizza Dough. Again from "Bread Machine."
8.) 4 Small Gourmet Pizzas: All with the whole wheat dough brushed lightly with oil, in various pie pans I had around the house.( I miss my pizza stone.)
- "Chicken" Florentine Pizza: Tomato sauce, nutritional yeast, cubed seitan, frozen chopped spinach, a little balsamic drizzle over the top. Mozzarella vegan cheese.
- Japanese Experiment Pizza: Tomato sauce, cubed seitan, pickled ginger, light drizzle Hoisin sauce, Mozzarella vegan cheese.
- Italian-American Thanksgiving Pizza: Tomato sauce, strips of seitan, nutritional yeast, thin slices of tofurky "smoked turkey" deli slices, dried cranberries, Mozzarella vegan cheese.
- I've Been Craving Mexican for Two Weeks Pizza: Tomato sauce, chunks of seitan, 1 scoop Rice Cooker Hearty Chili, Mozzarella vegan cheese, Pepperjack vegan cheese.

Is it absolutely horrible I still want to make oatmeal raisin cookies?

EDIT: I made the cookies.

Why I never returned your email:
If you have tried to contact me via email in the last month or so, I did not get your email, as I am locked out of all my gmail accounts due to a long and complicated story involving unrecoverable files on a laptop, a backup which failed, a phone which lost the program I needed to recover my files, and the fact that the gmail guardians of last resort will never be convinced that I am really the owner of any of my email addresses, since I cannot remember facts like the specific date on which I first activated my gmail account lo these many years ago. I am currently in the process of trying to figure out what to do next in terms of email communications, and in terms of my Google Plus identity.

TL;DR: I do not recommend implementing google 2-step authentication.

How to contact me now:
Texting me on my cellphone is best. Calling is ok too. When I get an email again I will post it here.

Where are you living now?:
I have settled into the new house. It is good. There are trees, and a small river nearby, and also the city is nearby. I have gotten used to Boston again. I am kind of starting to enjoy living here again.

What are your roommates like?:
Roommate E. went goth clubbing with me and some friends this Monday. It was exhausting but really fun. She is awesome. Roommate J. is almost never here, and he is sometimes very confusing in how he relates to people, although he is also nice. We are looking for a roommate to replace J.

What is your job like?:
My contract with Nokia was not renewed--I made a decision to pursue a career I liked better instead. As far as that goes I was very happy indeed though....recently though through nothing that could have been predicted my job description and responsibilities were changed at a very rapid pace, twice in two weeks, and that has recently thrown me off balance. I hope to work there for some time to come, as long as I continue to really enjoy the job and manage it well, and continue to learn my own strengths/weaknesses as an employee.

Are you staying in Boston for the forseeable future?:
Probably, unless I apply elsewhere for grad school and get a scholarship. I have found there is a food sciences program at Harvard Extension school and am considering figuring out if the program there seems as good a fit for me as the one at IU did. I am still really interested in getting my masters' degree, but need to make sure I pick the right program and right choice and have the resources at hand to back me up.

What is happening with your family?:
My sister is still awesome, as is my brother-in-law.

I attempted to reconcile with my family, with the help and assistance of my therapist, in late June. It did not go well. My father absented himself for half the session, and my mother told me that she was offended on behalf of the truly abused when I claimed I was abused. Some things that they told me make more sense now--I understand now why my mother hurts when I pull back from physical contact with her. But I also understand why I pull back from physical contact. I wish I had understood both of those things sooner. But I am glad I understand them now.

It took me a while to figure out what to do with my family relations after that. I visited my hometown in August, and had a good time with the rest of my extended family, and mourned a cousin who died, and finally came to realize and articulate to myself about a half-month ago that the best course for me would be to let my parents go, finally, because of the fact that they use friends, family, and loved ones to critique and hurt me. They also used me to hurt my friends, family and loved ones by constantly querying my timelines, decisions, choices, efforts and timetables until I started distrusting my own daily choices and hard-won self-knowledge and confidence in my own joy and the joy I found in my loved ones, family, and friends. I became so distrustful of most of my own desires that I questioned away my joyful, confident, knowledgeable, brave, self-assured, and kind self every time I was asked to make a decision. Because I was going through the insidious self-undermining cycle of mental self-flagellation caused by my abusive relationship with my parents--at a time when my partner and I already needed me to stronger, kinder, more effective, and clearly decisive on a daily basis--eventually every single daily decision I made on my own or was asked to make on behalf of the relationship became a process of desperately struggling to trust and express my own needs and wants, or rejecting my own needs and wants and expressing them as selfish, foolish, petty, or undeserving of being met.

I couldn't see the self-abuse, and didn't really know what was happening at the time, other than to know that I knew profound joy and love and respect when I allowed myself to follow my own heart's deepest promptings, and profoundly hurt when I did not allow myself to follow them. I decided to follow my own heart's deepest and most joyful promptings even though I was scared to let myself trust myself. Then, I was so proud to find that trusting and expressing my own joys again made myself and others happy. Then, I was profoundly terrified to learn that my decision to trust myself had not made my partner feel as happy as she said she was, but had made her feel scared and manipulated instead. In learning that, I felt had finally done what I had been taught that trusting my own decisions would inevitably do--cause a lot of hurt. I was taught that expressing my own needs was selfish. I was taught that trusting myself to love people and be loved was foolish because the people who loved me would always eventually admit that though they loved and cared for me, they ultimately felt trapped and constrained by my love and joy and presence in their lives but had felt obligated to lie to me about it because they couldn't bear to see me hurt when they told me the truth--that I was being selfish when I dared to express my love for them.

I stopped making decisions for a long while after that, and just accepted the decisions of others--whatever would make them happiest or most convenient, I did. I was hurt. That's what I do when I'm hurt.

Later, I realized that the above was the opposite of what actually happened. I realized that I could trust myself and my own decisions, I realized the interpretation of what would happen if I trusted myself was colored and twisted by my abuse and my hurt. I feel really proud and happy I realized that.

In the time between trusting my first decision, and knowing with the sick logic of the abused that I had hurt people by trusting myself and daring to have the audacity to love someone and be loved back, and realizing that that incorrect interpretation of events was formed by the patterns of self-doubt and questioning-abuse that bringing my joyful relationship to my parents had re-started in my own head, there were a few months where I felt a great self-loathing for my own capacity for love and joy.
There were a few months where I really believed that by allowing myself to trust myself, by being proud of my ability to do so, and by being proud of my ability to love others and be loved, I had been utterly selfish, and bore direct responsibility for the breakup. I felt that if I hadn't ever given in to allowing myself to selfishly love and trust her and trust myself to be with her, she would never have felt constrained by my love, never felt she had to lie to me about her perspective on my choices, never had to feel as if she had to tell me she was happy with me when she wasn't, and never needed me to leave. I hurt a lot.

I said a lot of things about myself that weren't kind that I regret. I said a lot of things about others that weren't kind that I regret. I don't think I could have gotten here today without having gone through that period of hating myself for being able to trust in my choices, hating that I could trust that my partners were telling me the truth, and hating myself for loving myself enough to allow myself to express my needs, which finally showed itself up as the foolishness it was all along.

It is good to trust myself. It is good to express my choices. It is good to love and be loved. What wasn't good was letting my self-confidence get undermined by my parents' insidious questioning of all my choices, such that I myself began questioning those things and hurt myself and the people I loved.

I can't think of a way to have a relationship with my parents that won't ultimately end in their raising objections and tiny undermining critiquing questions about everything I do, am, want to be, or who or what I love. I can't talk with them without talking about those things. They don't have the willpower to resist getting me to question every decision I make, and I believe they don't fully understand what they are doing. I don't have the ability, even after a decade of being on my own and learning--and being taught--to love myself and others better and better, to fully evade the abuse pattern. I don't know if any amount of self-love and self-confidence would ever be enough, because the more I have of it the more they use it as a weapon to convince me I am selfish and ungrateful, and turn me against my own best self. So, I am not talking to them any more.

I should have cut off relations with them fully last summer for my own health, but I had to be sure that I was making a decision that was good for me and not just good for my relationships--if it had been good for my relationships but bad for me it would ultimately have been a bad decision for my relationships as well.

TL;DR: I am cutting off relationships with my parents: the better I get, the more they use it against me and the people I love. They use the love I have for others to critique and hurt me and get me to doubt myself, and they use the love others have for me to critique and hurt others and get them to doubt themselves through my doubt. They have even done it to themselves, with their own love. This is unacceptable. They cannot stop. The better I get, the more ammo I give them. This is unfortunate, but I am not even really sad about it anymore; it's been more than a year coming slowly to this decision, since even mid 2009 I think, at the engagement party my parents threw for us: they didn't care if I or my partner wanted it. They were throwing it for themselves in a very real sense. I started to try and convince myself that they were doing it for me and my partner because I wanted to convince myself of that so badly, and I succeeded. When they did not call her when I was sick the summer of 2010, I tried to convince myself that it was because I had never done a good job of showing my family what I loved about her, because I so badly didn't want to admit that they would never respect me and the choices I made in my life, and I succeeded. From there, a whole host of doubts flowed and paralyzed my every move. No more.

I feel a vast sense of relief and the beginnings of a new life.

How is your health?:
Generally pretty ok, though often I have to go off antidepressants as I do not have enough money to pay for my psych services out of pocket and they do not take the state healthcare plan (no health insurance at job). However, I am still getting antidepressants and going to counseling when I can afford it, and enjoy it. It has been really helpful. I got a new doctor early this spring. I have not yet visited her; when I do for my yearly October visit I plan on introducing myself and asking for new hormone level tests, as well as discussing the fact that my psych medication noticeably interacts with my PMS in somewhat confusing ways. I also plan on asking for an allergy referral and a sleep study, as I have been having problems with my sleep cycle for years now and might finally have the resources to get help for myself.

I am tentatively trying out going vegetarian for health reasons, as I suspect I might have the beginnings of a latex-fruit reactivity problem. I am also putting it off for health reasons, as I know I have a lactose intolerance that makes me ill and uncomfortable for days at a time. I am also putting it off for ethical reasons, as I am really uncomfortable eating the commercially-produced milk, cheese and eggs that appear in so many processed food products now.

What have you been doing?:
Reading, writing, and healing. The fey novel is going to be about abuse, recovery, and its complexities: I cried when I realized that. I have also been hiking and swimming a lot. There is a lake about a mile from my house in one direction. There is a bookstore about a mile in the other direction. Life is, generally, good.

How are your pets?:
Tokai is finally eating on her own again. I am thrilled. She is a mighty huntress! Oolong is herself. She is adorable and fluffy and somewhat dopey. She's also 3 next month.

I really like asparagus. But the kind of asparagus you usually get at any store usually has, well...very tough stems. It's not like eating asparagus: it's like eating a branch. Even vegans don't want that. So, since I cannot miraculously get good asparagus around here, and I have enough roughage in my diet with the daily oatmeal, I thought to try Trader Joe's frozen asparagus.

I used it in my previously mentioned Bento box, in a recipe that just covers the asparagus with the bare minimum of deliciousness (lemon, olive oil, salt, and pepper) and then leaves it to cook in the oven for a bit. The asparagus really is the star of this dish; it needs to be tender and juicy.

I put the entirely frozen asparagus right into the lemon juice mix and waited. It came out great! The asparagus is small enough to cook tender all the way through without getting too mushy, and there is no woody or bitter aftertaste. There is not a *ton* of asparagus in the package, but asparagus is such a delicious and assertive vegetable that you generally don't need more than 2-4 spears of asparagus per person (on risotto, or pasta, or what-have you).

The only drawback to its being frozen is that sometimes the very tips of the heads break off. But that's ok: they're still delicious. It is a little cheaper than regular asparagus, too, which is good. I hope TJ's carries it all year round.

I've been doing fewer vegan food reviews lately because:
1.) Last week the motherboard on my laptop died and my laptop is Totally Dead. I spent about a day this weekend trying to do an emergency rescue, but it's no good.
2.) It's hard to write these on my cellphone, as the wifi on the commuter rail is sketchy at best.
3.) I've got a two hour commute at least two days a week that has me leaving the house at 7:45 am and not getting back until 8 or 9 at night.
4.) Did you know that I don't sweat, even when the temps in my apartment reach over 90? I didn't either, but I've been trying to do research to figure out why.

However, this doesn't mean I haven't been cooking. This week, I did vegan chocolate mousse, a Big Vat of Hummus, my Famous Chocolate Almond Raisin Banana Bread to bring for my coworkers tomorrow, and my newest bento for tomorrow's lunch features the Tahini-Miso dressing from the Veganomicon (with added pepper, salt, lemon juice, and some minced garlic).

So, this is a review of Trader Joe's Tahini Sauce. It's new in the Trader Joe's stores in MA. I thought they had Tahini Paste previously, but I guess not.

Mostly, I find straight-up Tahini Paste to be really strong. I like sesame, but sometimes the paste is just too much of a good thing. That's why I like Trader Joe's tahini sauce. It's light, delicate, and almost whipped; less a "paste" than a "sauce," like the tin says. It says, "sesame." It does not say, "SESAME the consistency of PEANUT BUTTER!" You get a little 8-oz tub, which if you're me about 2/3rds of it goes into about 3 cups' worth of finished hummus, and there's about 1/4 c left over.

Note: It does not *say* it's vegan, but the ingredients are: tahini (sesame seed sauce), lemon juice, citric acid, water, garlic, and salt, so if it's not I'd be surprised.

I think it's the lemon and garlic that really cut and complement the flavor of the sesame, for me. This is by far my #1 tahini paste...now only if I can get TJ's to carry it year-round instead of just stocking it as some kind of summer thing.