Eredien's Journal

...and it is, in fact, happy.

Hanging out on the bed this morning with my fuzzybutt little cat Oolong, I took some time to reflect on my 2013 and 2014 so far, which have been truly astoundingly happy.

I've been writing again (yay, keeping resolutions in advance!). Some long-overdue correspondence to people I care about, some WWIA (the fey novel). It helped, I found, to change up the viewpoint characters and let someone else speak for Chapter 4. Not sure if I'm going to keep it or not--gods is Tam-tam disturbing, but then again he's out of his head--but definitely a good exercise. I feel healthy as a writer--reading things that inspire me, making lists of poems I definitely need to read more of. And, actually, y'know, writing regularly. For the first time in a long, long time.

Did some martial arts over New Year's, which just confirmed that's where it's at for me in terms of exercise and spirituality.

I've been traveling. Went to a lovely burning-man-inspired party for New Year's with A., successfully turned what could have been poly problems into poly opportunities, saw three of my favorite movies (documentary: "Rivers & Tides," anime: "Mindgame" and "Spring & Chaos"), learned some new things about myself, spent some good time with somebody new I like (T.). More traveling scheduled for summer, specifically July, of this year--can't decide if I am doing Firefly and Readercon, or Firefly and a friend's wedding in CO. Is anyone else going to BMC reunion? I honestly don't want to go if my friends won't be there.

My relationship with myself seems healthier than it's been in a long time. Had a dream a few weeks ago about resentment over a close friend's losing weight that really stuck with me, and am turning that resentment into resolve--I want to wear all my genderqueer shiny outfits. Got a new piercing (pic.twitter.com/eKzYGvoDVG)--feel like I am that much closer to looking like the person I am. Am super-comfortable with my body now, due in part to how I've been prioritizing self-care and due in part to some New Year's experiences, and how I'm presenting, even at work, which can be problematic at times. Modern medicine is a frigging miracle. I am not really suffering from SAD this winter for the first time in about a decade.

Work is good. I got a hug and thank you from my boss, and that was really great. I flower under praise, especially because I know I am doing praiseworthy work. Still looking for jobs in the greater Boston area...

....speaking of which, I have made it my goal to move back to MA in 2015. I may not move directly back to Boston proper, but if all works out as I hope it will, that will be because I might be moving in with B. near the Berkshires. A three-hour drive into Boston, and having to deal with the headaches of a car, are small problems if they mean that I only have to drive three hours to see all my chosen-family and friends--the people who matter most to me. I've been driving six or more. It honestly depends on where I get a job. 

A recap of my relationships, for those playing along at home: B. I've known them for over a decade, but our relationship feels both old and familiar and new and deep. They are so joyful and beautiful and playful and giving and just plain good for me that I've recently been contemplating co-parenting a kid with them. A., who continues to be a sexy brilliant mad scientist, hiking partner, and pet. He is my stalwart. Five years has been so deep, and so fast. E., who I am experiencing all kinds of NRE with even though she's on the other side of the country. She continues to wake me up to gender, to spirituality, and to being authentically unafraid to live a complex life. T., a Canadian man <insert Canadian partner joke here>, who I am looking forward to seeing again this summer...
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Therapy & Mental Health: yesterday, my therapist and I both agreed that I am pretty much done with therapy for right now. I feel happier and way more confident in my life and have mechanisms in place to deal with the bad stuff. It doesn't seem like I was in therapy for more than three years, but it's a different kind of work than I was thinking it was when I went into it, so the time-dilation makes a little bit of sense to me. I am really proud. I still have problems (see below) but I can deal with them in a reasonable manner. I am still taking meds for PCOS and bipolar disorder, which seem to be working really, extraordinarily well.

Home life: my parents are transphobes, my mother explicitly told me that she wants me to settle down with a man or a 'real woman'. Going to have a talk about this with my mother. On other hand, mother does not have cancer again, so that's good.

Creativity: I have gone into my winter creativity phase, which mostly means writing poetry, reading long involved novels, drawing, and sewing (as opposed to my summer phase, which is writing longer works of fiction, reading short stories, gardening, and website design). I am really happy with where I am at in my sewing; it looks more professional every day. Also when I move back to the Boston area I am planning on trying to do my maskmaking/puppeteering internship again.

Fitness/body image: this is slowly progressing. I am going to a weekly meeting that is helping. I have decided that I would rather lose weight and see what that does to my breasts and shape than get top surgery; I don't think I want it anymore and I figure if I do later the procedure will still be there.

Work: I got promoted from intern to part-timer, which means more responsibility and not being paid under the table. Yay for daily structure.

Relationships & Friendships: Long distance relationships with my friends and partners still suck, but I have kind of gotten used to it. I try to see people when I can, which also involves being able to say 'I can't see this person right now' when I can't. My life is much better for the way I now manage relationships that are important to me instead of letting my relationships manage my moods. I had a fantastic minivacation where I got to see A., B., and E. this past weekend and managed to break through some of my remaining psychosexual fears in a big way, which was incredibly rewarding. Things with R and R' are slowly, slowly coming back to a level of friendship I haven't felt from them in years, which is also fantastic. The support of I. through all this has been steadfast not to mention hilarious. I feel really amazed and grateful to have such incredible people in my life.

Food: the biggest change in my life this year has been my deciding two things: I can be veg* at home if I'm not vocal about it--no one will miss me eating cheese or meat if I don't make a big deal out of it--and that I want to start fishing. I went fishing this summer and really found it incredibly relaxing, though I caught close to nothing. I've decided that I will eat what I catch if I can, which is consistent with my overall food philosophy of taking personal responsibility for the things I eat and trying to grow or kill as much of it myself as possible. Next possible food project: keeping rescue chickens?

Moving plans: progressing apace with my bank account (did I mention I'm grateful for my job)? I may move to Boston and commute to Western MA to see B., I may move to Western MA with B. and commute to the semi-Boston area to see A. Still looking for Boston jobs, especially in editing or writing. Really where I live depends on what kind of job I get and what my plans with B. solidify into. We are thinking of getting some kind of cohousing--a shared duplex, or possibly nearby apartments.

Travel: Belgium in 2015 with A. I also actually have a price on my dream trip to Russia/Mongolia/China/Japan and am saving up for that.

Religion/God: I am impressed with the new pope even though I currently consider myself agnostic. I went to Jewish services for the first time last week and really enjoyed all the singing and debate of theology even though I don't believe in the efficacy of prayer as such. Chi work both with and without my partners is going well. Saving up for martial arts again even though my mother considers them unwomanly (another thing to talk with her about).
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