Eredien's Journal

Therapy & Mental Health: yesterday, my therapist and I both agreed that I am pretty much done with therapy for right now. I feel happier and way more confident in my life and have mechanisms in place to deal with the bad stuff. It doesn't seem like I was in therapy for more than three years, but it's a different kind of work than I was thinking it was when I went into it, so the time-dilation makes a little bit of sense to me. I am really proud. I still have problems (see below) but I can deal with them in a reasonable manner. I am still taking meds for PCOS and bipolar disorder, which seem to be working really, extraordinarily well.

Home life: my parents are transphobes, my mother explicitly told me that she wants me to settle down with a man or a 'real woman'. Going to have a talk about this with my mother. On other hand, mother does not have cancer again, so that's good.

Creativity: I have gone into my winter creativity phase, which mostly means writing poetry, reading long involved novels, drawing, and sewing (as opposed to my summer phase, which is writing longer works of fiction, reading short stories, gardening, and website design). I am really happy with where I am at in my sewing; it looks more professional every day. Also when I move back to the Boston area I am planning on trying to do my maskmaking/puppeteering internship again.

Fitness/body image: this is slowly progressing. I am going to a weekly meeting that is helping. I have decided that I would rather lose weight and see what that does to my breasts and shape than get top surgery; I don't think I want it anymore and I figure if I do later the procedure will still be there.

Work: I got promoted from intern to part-timer, which means more responsibility and not being paid under the table. Yay for daily structure.

Relationships & Friendships: Long distance relationships with my friends and partners still suck, but I have kind of gotten used to it. I try to see people when I can, which also involves being able to say 'I can't see this person right now' when I can't. My life is much better for the way I now manage relationships that are important to me instead of letting my relationships manage my moods. I had a fantastic minivacation where I got to see A., B., and E. this past weekend and managed to break through some of my remaining psychosexual fears in a big way, which was incredibly rewarding. Things with R and R' are slowly, slowly coming back to a level of friendship I haven't felt from them in years, which is also fantastic. The support of I. through all this has been steadfast not to mention hilarious. I feel really amazed and grateful to have such incredible people in my life.

Food: the biggest change in my life this year has been my deciding two things: I can be veg* at home if I'm not vocal about it--no one will miss me eating cheese or meat if I don't make a big deal out of it--and that I want to start fishing. I went fishing this summer and really found it incredibly relaxing, though I caught close to nothing. I've decided that I will eat what I catch if I can, which is consistent with my overall food philosophy of taking personal responsibility for the things I eat and trying to grow or kill as much of it myself as possible. Next possible food project: keeping rescue chickens?

Moving plans: progressing apace with my bank account (did I mention I'm grateful for my job)? I may move to Boston and commute to Western MA to see B., I may move to Western MA with B. and commute to the semi-Boston area to see A. Still looking for Boston jobs, especially in editing or writing. Really where I live depends on what kind of job I get and what my plans with B. solidify into. We are thinking of getting some kind of cohousing--a shared duplex, or possibly nearby apartments.

Travel: Belgium in 2015 with A. I also actually have a price on my dream trip to Russia/Mongolia/China/Japan and am saving up for that.

Religion/God: I am impressed with the new pope even though I currently consider myself agnostic. I went to Jewish services for the first time last week and really enjoyed all the singing and debate of theology even though I don't believe in the efficacy of prayer as such. Chi work both with and without my partners is going well. Saving up for martial arts again even though my mother considers them unwomanly (another thing to talk with her about).
This entry was originally posted at http://eredien.dreamwidth.org/2405.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

My grandfather and grandmother moved from their home in FL last year into an assisted-living facility, when my grandfather's Alzheimers' finally got too much for my grandmother to deal with on their own.

That means that we get mail for them here, at our home, and usually bring it up to my grandmother at her current home, a long-term nursing unit where she lays slowly slipping into decline; my grandfather died in May at the age of 96. I visit her as often as I can, and sit with her as she struggles to breathe.

I won't be bringing her the letter from the FL Focus on the Family affiliate we got today, urging her to vote for Romney as "the candidate who shares your values": Florida Family Action and Citizen Link may think that my grandmother is a bigot, but she loves her queer granddaughter. And I love her.

A few years ago, while living in Boston, I met a wonderful person who cared for me and whom I cared for very much, and came out to my parents after almost a decade of being in the closet. My parents, who had previously seemed neutral on LGBT rights in general and quite supportive of other queer family members, told me I was wrong and should never get married. I was crushed.

They told me never to tell my grandparents: "you'd kill them." I'd been forming a close relationship with my grandparents--the kind I'd never been able to have with them as a child, since they lived so far away and we saw them so rarely--via letter. Rather than elide my partner and my life with them from my letters, I simply stopped writing to them. They were hurting, and I was hurting.

I wrote to them anyway. I told them I was queer. I told them I wasn't supposed to tell them. I told them I was angry at my parents and that I didn't have the family support I had hoped for. I told them that I loved them whatever their response was. I told them that if we were to stop talking to each other, we should at least know why. I told them I was terrified. I sent the letter, and I waited.

My grandmother wrote this letter back.
It's gotten me through the really bad times--the subsequent three-year battle for respect for my relationship from my parents, the loss of a job, my untreated clinical depression, my breakup with my partner mentioned in the letter, my move back to my hometown, my grandfather's death this May and my grandmother's subsequent decline, and the guy today who sat next to me in a government office and called me a carpet muncher to see if he could gay-bait me (it didn't work).

I am really glad that my then-partner, and my current partner, got a chance to meet my grandparents. I am glad to be their granddaughter. I am glad to be their queer granddaughter. And my grandmother is glad to have me, just as I am. I remember that when I'm tempted to give up on love, or frustrated with the daily, exhausting work of being an out queer person, and it makes my life a lot better every day.

I wrote to Florida Family Action, CitizenLink, and Focus on the Family, and asked them to take my grandmother off their mailing list.

She doesn't want your letter. She loves me.

If you are a queer person or an ally, and have received a similar election-year flyer, I ask you to do just two things:

- Write to the group that sent you the flyer, and its affiliates, and ask them to take you off their mailing lists. You have the power to stop their bigoted, ill-informed fears from coming into your mailbox and your home. Stand up and tell them you don't want any part of it.

- If you have a similar story or letter, please write about it. Talk about the hope that gets you through. Be honest with your family, whether they're blood or chosen.

Let them love you as you are and it might save your life. I know my grandma's letter saved mine.

Taking a page from rax:

To buy sooner rather than later:
New SSHD for eee
Glasses (closeup and distance)
Digital Hygrometer/Therm. for Tokai's tank
Printer paper and Ink or professional business card printing 250 cards on order from vistaprint
Updated shade + finial + bulb adapter for restored antique lamp from great-grandmother K-Mart, of all places!
Sheets for my bed
Notary Public Exam Fee

Video games to buy eventually:
Wario DIY Wii
Replacement Pokewalker for the one I lost at the farmer's mkt
Pokemon Black or White?
Okami Wii/DS?
Fire Emblem Gamecube/Wii/GBA?
Gamecube controller for wii

Other stuff to buy eventually:
Silicon Dawn tarot 2x
An apartment
New modular bed+awesome futon mattress of awesome
Mac Webcam xBox Live webcam works natively in Mac for $10. Awesome.
Butterfly Socks

To find:
DS Charger Yeah it was in my DS case ...

To sew:
Dog coat + Hem B.'s jeans
Doll clothes
Baby hat for B. and L.
Bike basket
Redo world's worst-diagrammed crossstitch
Winter hat pack items
Mending

To list on ebay/craigslist:
Freaking model horse collection argh just break into your own storage unit by remembering that your parents' good intentions will never actually lead them to put aside the time to do things they said he would do with you
Spare piano (don't ask); remember shipping deal w/local piano movers Report craiglist scam to craigslist

To write:
Absinthe Writeup
TY notes to people for whom I have petsitted, for asking for a review
WWIA notes digitization
WWIA chap 5
WWIA chap 6
Email replies to friends
Write 3rd stanza Tesla in Love, don't worry about 1st stanza rewrite yet
Writeup and Submit Sumptuary to GURPS company
Movie/Book writeups: Philadelphia Story
Movie/Book writeups: all the crap I read this spring in the hospital (The Picture of Dorian Gray, Winter Triptych, Bird Friendly Building Design, Washington: A Life, Sex on 6 Legs, Jack Reacher novels, Sew-What Pattern Free Bags, Battle Hymn of Tiger Mother, Sound of a Wild Snail Eating, Animals Make us Human, A Fair Maiden, Goon Squad, America: You Sexy Bitch, Off the Cuff, One Man's Garden, At Home)
Ulysses writeup one good book
Gecko article
Revise sword in the hand
write up sword in the hand
post sword in the hand
Review of Dog Stars
Peachberry pie, 3-tomato eggplant parmesan, and stirfry recipe writeup + carrot-saffron risotto and sweet potato soup
Salty Mango Lassi Ice Cream recipe writeup + photo to flickr, LJ
Writeup of MWPAI exhibits

To read:
Finish Hare w/Amber Eyes
Restart Ulysses
Find public-domain bilingual copy of Brothers Dostovesky, read once Ulysses is done

To website:
Catification writeup + submission
Website design - doesn't have to be fancy, check pininterest re: color schemes
Addon website for Paws & Claws petsitting
Twitter design - should mirror website
LJ design - should mirror website - embed?
Upload final foxes video to Youtube, Flickr
Upload historical local house photos to Flickr in new set, email url to historic preservation people
Upload baby shower photos to Flickr, email url to C & B
1 hr Help mom with photo upload/CD burn
Upload B. bd party photos to Flickr, email URL to Bethany
Get Genderplayful setup with winter hat pack items
Email butter lady for mom
Fish photos, drop off camera to process scan in photos, upload to Flickr
Upload cat show photos to flickr
KeePassX

To design:
Business cards for Paws & Claws petsitting

To post:
Business cards for Paws & Claws
Return ASL DVD to library, get ASL book instead

Games:
Take Go books out of the library again, but this time one at a time
Continue playing through chapter-end book questions on Goban
Play Glitch again, determine if I still want my acct. there This game looks awesomer than ever; too bad it's too slow and keeps crashing my browser.

Jobs:
Notary Public Exam
MCPHS? list pro and con, talk with Peg J.
Check w/BMC CDO
IDG Copy Editor Framingham
Cooking vegan shit in Boston
Call back NH library though chances of hiring are slim since budget did not pass Yeah they hired people already
Catsitting gig 13th-Oct 1
Syracuse Public TV
Check out Peace Corps as a committment for various mental health and dietary reasons I don't think this would be a good idea for me at this time; something to keep in mind for future.
Sub. teaching
Hamilton Editing Position
Spring farm cares

Places to volunteer:
Call back zoo Docent Orientation Oct 14th
Call Boston zoos re: volunteer program http://www.zoonewengland.org/page.aspx?pid=242 apply for Keeper Aide when I am in the area
Get back in touch with BMC gender activism people - try emailing admissions again; get in touch with Wellesley & Holyoke alums
to this end call Rachel D. in Albany

Other things to apply to:
Financial aid for NBSS
Application for NBSS for spring 2013 pres. carpentry program
Tufts summer school session again should I again find myself in Somerville
Clarion 2013
Traditional Building Master's Deg. class at Boston Architectural College

Music:
Perform Für Elise for A. and B. while they are here This didn't get done
Finish composing "TimesNR" in Wario DIY & output to interwebs
Relearn Moonlight Sonata
Call Tina re: piano/organ lesson swap for vegan food? Left email for B.
Fix iTunes (Japanese & Russian transcription error correction, add correct composers for Holst & other classical for sort error correction. Upload entire CD library. Transfer cassettes not avail. on Amazon to MP3. Otherwise buy slowly w/change off of Amazon MP3. Sync iPod to use at gym.)

Exercise:
Go to the gym everyday. Use the time to listen to new music and relax. You don't have to prove any damn thing and if someone tries to make you guilty for spending time on yourself screw it.

Health:
Call foodstamps people and say your father is withholding necessary application info from you out of, apparently, sheer and total personal incompetence. Ask for next steps. Don't be embarrassed; It's not your fault the information has been withheld. Remember that getting rid of food insecurity and into food security will help you. You deserve to eat healthily. Read this article as many times as you need to to make the call.

Consult lawyer (K.?) to ask about statute of limitations on ENT doctor in Indiana who pumped me full of allergens after hospitalization Email K. again Look up stuff K advised me to

Call dojo that offers 1st month free + women's discounts to sit in on a muy tai or taichi class 6 pm beginner's class today Save up $ to restart martial arts

Call Alicia for Coffee

Pin down Brenda and mom for cat show times on 16th Sept. Hahaaa this is so not going to be decided until day of, but I try.

Call P. tomorrow re: catsitting 3 pm appt Sun done

Call D.K. re: fixing broken earrings Call Goldmine or Wilcox's jewelers & get rates Bring earring by, get estimate. Pick up fixed earrings

File:
Remaining stuff in filing cabinet.
Remaining email update list.
Combine buystuff email and personal email
Get new addresses for friends; update in Address book. Sync AB with iPod.
Sync AB with Google
Sync email list between private + personal email addresses.
Update all the accounts.
Stop Serbian hacker

Money:
List all accts in Manilia setup
List all accts in Mint
Balance checkbook + savings accts
Begin paying back remaining interest-bearing debts - call if necessary DONE
Begin paying back personal debts

Gender:
Tarot from Orion?
Consult self re: pronouns at end of year?

2011 was kind of a wash for me. There were some good things--making new friends, seeing old ones, achieving the goal I'd had (and had been stymied in by doctors and moving for 2+ years) of actually getting on depression medication, helping my boyfriend figure out what he needs from himself in a relationship with me and his other SO, starting the process of recognizing the good decisions I made in 2010 and forgiving myself for the bad ones. There were some bad things--sharing an apartment with an alcoholic who "forgot" to pay the internet and fix the heat, moving into a second apartment where one roommate constantly promised to move but didn't and the landlord preferred evictions over conversations; having my phone die; having both laptops die; and generally running short of cash from too many moves with too little preparation in too little time.

I am proud that:
- I have started beta-testing as a vendor at an online marketplace which I can't talk about yet but is going to be awesome.
- I have gotten on medication and it has made my life better. I am not scared of medication anymore: it makes me be the person I am at my best, instead of the person I am when I'm at my worst. I am still waiting for medicaid to come through, which is a paperwork bear (as opposed to a paper tiger), but knowing that my doctors won't write off my depression as something I am making up, or tell me that if I changed my body drastically in terms of weight I wouldn't be depressed anymore, is pretty awesome. Also, getting a 90-day refill from my therapists in MA without having to pay $120 out of pocket every three months is amazing. I wish that option had been available to me in October, but now that I am on meds again I am less angry about the fact that it wasn't, and less angry about the fact that I lost another place that had become home because of the fact that the medical establishment limited my access to necessary medication because my insurance wasn't any good there and I couldn't pay out of pocket. Both of these things are good.
- I have become more informed, and more self-informed, about race and the history of racism, both worldwide and in America.
- I have started watching movies and anime that I want to watch and reading books I want to read and reviewing them online when I feel like it. This seems like a very small thing, but when you have held off on having the experiences you wanted to have because you wanted not just the experience of doing the thing, but also the meta-experience of experiencing that experience with other people who care about you and the experience, and the other people want to share those experiences with you but don't set aside time to do so, eventually you get tired of waiting for the other people. It's not as much fun as experiencing these things alone, and I don't enjoy it as much as I would if I had a group of friends and loved ones with me. But it's better than being told, "I want to have this experience and I want to experience it with you, but I won't set a time to tell you when and won't let you set a time for me," and getting confused, hurt, and resentful at constantly having to hold back experiences I wanted to have yesterday, so that I can have them on someone else's constantly-unspecified timeframe, and then hurting the people I love when I express my hurt and resentment to them but present it to them, wrongly, as a personal character failure on their part.
- I have determined that it is necessary for me to find a long-term relationship with another person (probably a woman-type person) who makes it clear to me that I am a pleasure in their life and won't doubt my love for them, while also continuing my relationship with [Bad username or site: ab3nd" @ livejournal.com] for the foreseeable future. I am not ready to go find that relationship yet. I still hurt too much. But I think determining that it was necessary was a good thing.
- I have determined that to get this relationship, I need to make it clear to the other person that they are a pleasure in my life and I want to live with them and enjoy their company and love them, and I will do this by not pointing out the goodness of the good things in my life, instead of complaining about the few bad points of the good things in my life, which is basically how I lose a lot of loved ones and friendships. I was better at this in the past, and I can get better at it again.
- I started going back to the gym (actually, it's what I'm going to do after I finish writing this journal entry). I am going to the gym not even to get in shape because my doctors won't medicate me for sleep issues without weight loss on my part (which was largely the case in 2009-10) or because I think losing weight will make my partners want me more or less than they ever did, because I'm beautiful whether people can see it or not: I am going because an hour or so of physical activity a day gives me a specified time alone to get in touch with my body via physical meditative activity, as well as an opportunity to listen to new music, podcasts, and audiobooks which I wouldn't have time for otherwise. An hour or so of physical activity a day is a great way to set aside positive time for me having my need for time to make and consume art be interrupted by other people's demands of me.
- I have accepted the fact that my family will never approve of my relationships, whether those are friendships or loved ones, because they have a hard time approving of many of the things I do, because they have a hard time approving of themselves because they are resentful of the things they tell themselves they cannot do. Their lack of approval of my relationships is not my problem or my partners' problem. I will keep doing what I am doing in my romantic and sexual life and remind myself to have compassion for others who think poorly of me when I make choices that make me happy, and who think poorly of my friends and loved ones when they make choices that make them happy, and limit my association with such people.
- Finally, I am most proud of getting rid of almost all of my stuff except what I was actually using. I had too much of it, and too much of it was around because I wanted to be a person who had specific experiences (skiing, reading, making jam) but did not actually have those experiences, and so the stuff just sat there reminding me of all the things I wanted to experience but hadn't. If I want to do that stuff, I can: I can borrow someone else's jam making set, or rent skis, or buy more books (though I got a Kindle for Christmas, which is awesome because I will no longer need to move with boxes and boxes of physical books but will still be able to read to my heart's wallet's content. It also makes moving a lot easier for me, both physically and psychologically).

Resolutions for 2012:
- Finish and publish at least two things.
- Continue 365 Days of Art (which took a hiatus for the holidays and will be back today).
- Continue to make my relationships with loved ones deeper by complimenting the people I love instead of complaining about my or their shortcomings within a relationship, which makes them think that I don't love them or respect their choices or respect myself despite my shortcomings, makes me feel that they don't care about what bothers me, and gets me the opposite of what I actually want when I complain (which is respect for the fact that I am bothered by something, manifesting in a mutual discussion about how and why to resolve the problem).
- Keep on meds without a break.
- Sell model horses on ebay.
- Transfer old cassette tape music to MP3s. Sync all MP3 collections across devices.
- Setup KeePass to manage passwords safely between devices. Setup gmail with 2-step authentication again and this time print out everything.
- Catch them all in Pokemon SoulSilver or Diamond.
- Pay off credit card debt, personal debt, cellphone debt, and personal loans racked up in 2010-2011 through unexpected moving and continued medical expenses.
- Continue paying off education loan on a regular basis.
- Make sure multiple address change(s) have percolated through USPS system. easy!
- Sell awesome things on online store.
- Make professional-looking website/twitter.
- Keep going to the gym 3x week. Do not allow my mother to manipulate me into going to the gym more than I need or want to.
- Get a job, preferably with benefits. Continue to explore career options with hands-on internships related to N. Bennett St School degree tracks.
- Apply to N. Bennett St School this year.
- Travel to weddings of various friends. Enjoy myself there. Mission accomplished!
- Get in touch with gender activists at other womens' colleges and continue to work for the rights of MTF transgender women as women in traditionally bio-female-only spaces.
- Transfer LJ to Dreamwidth and set up cross-posting there.
- Get hormone balance tested by a doctor, with new results instead of old ones. Life without PMS is really, truly amazing.
- Get sleep tested by a doctor.
- Get allergy tested by a doctor.
- Make a financial plan for the next 5 years.
- Plan 2013 travel, with suggested places including DC, Boston, Toronto, California, and Belgium.
- Make plans to move back to Boston, including budgeting for a space without roommates and medical emergencies.
- Bike commute in spring, summer, and fall whenever possible.
- Optional bonus resolution: compose music.

Yesterday I was coming home late and tired from my job, and at the top of the escalator at Porter there was a guy in his mid-20's, I guess, with a huge military-style olive green backpack, holding his cellphone and crying absolutely silently, so hard his body shook, with his head in his hands. Obviously he had just recieved some kind of bad news. I kept thinking about just, you know, doing the city thing and leaving, and then thought about being a small woman in a city approaching a strange, tall, and obviously upset man, and then found myself going over anyway and asking him if he was ok. He looked up at me and shook his head, and I said, "ok, well, I'm sorry. I hope you feel better soon," and then confused at myself, I walked away. I didn't know what else to do. Maybe I should have just left the poor guy alone. But he was crying in the train station! I've done that, and it sucks.

I don't even know why I felt the need to write up this thing. I just had to, though.

There is an awesome conversation about gender, identity, transitioning, schooling, and respect going on in the comments of this post re: BMC and trans issues. I still haven't heard back from the admissions office yet, but really am happy with how awesome and well-thought-out the comments are, and when I do hear back from admissions you all will be the first to know!

Also, I am going to try to connect to a bunch of Smith students working on these issues too.

A new bill recently introduced in the Maine Legislature would repeal the protections that transgender people have already had for five years under the Maine Human Rights Act. Maine Rep. Ken Fredette (R, Newport) says,
"The concept here is that there is not an absolute right for the transgender to go into a bathroom, there's not an absolute right for the transgender to go into a locker room of the sex that they simply identify with," Fredette said. I mean, that's it: "that they simply identify with." I wish somebody'd make Fradette go into the ladies' room for a month and see how that made him feel, since he apparently has no right "to go into a bathroom...a locker room of the sex that he simply identifies with"--oh wait, I forgot that it's only cis people who have the right to use the right bathroom or changing room in Maine.

The bill is LD 1046. According to this article on the website of the Maine Public Broadcasting Network, (which I think is an NPR affiliate) and which also has an audio clip about the bill: "Fredette's bill, LD 1046, says that--unless otherwise indicated--a restroom or shower facility designated for one biological sex is presumed to be restricted to that biological sex and that a transgender person would no longer be able to claim discrimination under the Maine Human Rights Act if denied the use of the facility of their choice."

It's a gross article--people are using the term "transgender" left and right (and not just in quotes, either, but in the article text itself) instead of "transgender person," but people need to hear about this. There are hopeful quotes from cis gender advocates, and people like Jennifer Finney Boylan, who gave testimony to the legislature, and is a very public transgender person and trans activist who teaches and lives in Maine. But they are going to need more than hopeful quotes to get this thing passed; it looks like there's a fair amount of popular/political/organization support.

People in Maine, and people who know people in Maine, please write your legislators and let them know that they shouldn't support this bill. Write the governor, who supports this bill, and let them know that Maine shouldn't be known for taking away its citizens' rights. If your legislator already supports this bill, let them know your're pissed off. And feel free to link to this post as much as you like.

Here is information about the bill from the Maine Legislature Website, plus full text, current action status, sponsors, and other information. The text of the bill is specifically crafted to remove a right transgendered people have already had for five years under the Maine Human Rights Act.
As if that weren't problematic enough, the criterion for bathroom/locker room allowal/denial is "Unless otherwise indicated, a rest room or shower facility designated for one biological sex is presumed to be restricted to that biological sex." So...what bathroom do intersex persons use? You gonna post cameras or people by the door to make sure that everyone who pisses passes? I sense a lot of undesignated restrooms in the future, except that a lot of time building codes require bathrooms to be designated--not sure how it is in Maine.

This is nasty,in terms of how it's being supported politically as well as in terms of the language being used to report on it.

I want to go to Maine in a little while and give them my tourist dollar, but will plan on staying out of the state if this bill passes and so long as it is in effect.

Maybe that sounds like an overreaction, but if I take a roadtrip to Maine, I know I'm gonna need to stop at some roadside diner to pee, or decide to eat in a restaurant my friends from college recommended to me, and if I'm not dressed "right" that day (ie, in accordance with the gender roles of whoever I ask to tell me where the bathrooms are), I really don't think I should have to get into a public fight with the staff and have to drag out my license to prove I'm a woman--no matter what the waitress or the guy behind the counter at the gas station thought about me when I walked in the door. I especially shouldn't have to get into a fight in order to fulfill a basic biological need, wash my face, and comb my hair. Nor do I want to.

If you would like to support the work being done to fight this bill, please volunteer or give to organizations working for rights for transgendered and queer people in Maine, such as Equality Maine.

Please, please repost this. Mainers, we're counting on you.

Update: After reading Boylan's testimony to the judges, I have to say that my initial impression that the bill is about passing people vs. non-passing people (I assume that both trans and cis people who didn't pass would be equally screwd over) was absolutely right. Here's Boylan's conversation with a legislator:
A supporter of the bill (remember that “supporting” means being against trans rights; “opposing” means being for them) said as much. One of the Senators asked, “If a trans person has had surgery, and appears to be female in every sense, how would you be able to know they were in violation of the law?” And the supporter of the bill–another Republican legislator–said, “Well, if I have no way of telling, the person wouldn’t be in violation.” He then looked around and said, “I mean, if you can’t tell, what’s the difference?”

If you meet his standards, whatever they happen to be, then you're not the person this bill is aiming for. Everybody's standards are assumed to be the same. Everybody's understanding of "male" and "female" is assumed to be the same. And if your standards aren't the same? If your understanding isn't the same? If you're a dykey dyke or a really slender guy? If you're wearing the "wrong" clothes or walking the "wrong" way or your facial structure makes people come up to you and ask what's between your legs? If your head is shaved and you're dressed in a hat and coat because it's winter and all the person can see is the tip of your nose, and your eyes and they have to guess your gender because you're all bundled up (not that such a thing would ever happen in sunny Maine)? Well, this bill's for you!. Specifically and deliberately.

Have any of you ever read anything you liked by self-described "feminist brown person" Teresa Jusino? I just read a review of the controversial movie Sucker Punch by her on tor.com, and am so incandescent with the idea that her work passes for smart feminist pop-culture SF critique that I am not going to link to the review, and am considering just not reading any more of her work, ever, which is sad, because I *really* like reading smart feminist pop-culture SF critique, and want to support the cultural critique work of feminists and/or people of color in general. She's written some things about the Wheedonverse, which I haven't read because I don't really understand the love for Wheedon's shows (sorry, lotusbiosm), even after having given one of them a shot (Dollhouse) a while back to see what all the controversy was about, and decide for myself.

I really hope that someone can point me toward something she's written that's balanced, and well-thought-out, because I really don't want to lump her and her work in with the work of, say, Piers Anthony, but right now I'm leaning toward giving her work the same label I give Anthony's, which is "this work presents disturbing scenarios and then tries to argue that the presentation of those disturbing scenarios is edgy, empowering, funny, or important, without really offering anything to back up that assertion other than the author's own feelings about that work, stripped of any context other than a self-referential one. Automatic do-not-read."
I really don't want to put her on my automatic do-not-read list, because honestly I found at least some of her smaller points (mostly about attractive people in attractive clothing not being automatically exploitative when presented) somewhat compelling, but the larger ones...oh, god.


I agree that sometimes disturbing scenarios need to be presented in art, and that sometimes the *exploration* of those scenarios can be biting and necessary social commentary. But there is a huge difference between presentation of those scenarios, exploration of those scenarios (whether in a group media setting or in one's own thoughts), and exploitation of those presentations.

For instance, this is the paragraph from Jusino's review of Sucker Punch that literally made me gasp in horror [warning: rape/sexual assault triggers]:

Why Sucker Punch Isn’t Exploitative, Misogynistic, or Any Other Word Thrown Around Without Context In Feminist Discourse

Another criticism of Sucker Punch is that it is misogynistic and exploitative simply because it shows women being raped and objectified. I hate to break it to those critics, but...rape happen and women are objectified in real life. Be angry when it happens then. The objectification and sexual abuse in Sucker Punch need to be there, because these are the obstacles these young women are overcoming. What’s more, they aren’t shown outright, but through metaphors, which takes yet another step away from being exploitative and sensationalistic. By making sex “dancing” and a corrupt mental institution into a burlesque hall/brothel, Snyder is being the opposite of exploitative. He isn’t showing for the sake of showing, as many films do. Rather, he’s making a situation clear while attempting to not take advantage of his young actresses.

I just...I don't even hardly know how to react to that.No, wait, I do. Sentence-level analysis powers, go!

What is this movie saying about rape and sexual assault, according to Jusino's paragraph above?

1.) We cannot be angry about or debate the value of fictional portrayals of rape or sexual assault, we can only be angry when those things happen in real life (apparently rape culture is created out of thin air! Who knew?)

2.) Fictional objectification and sexual abuse need to be present in this movie because objectification and sexual abuse are the obstacles the fictional characters are overcoming in this particular movie. My reaction to that rationale is twofold:
- It's a fictional world--as Jusino says, a movie. The filmmakers could have picked any obstacles for these women characters to overcome, but these filmmakers picked sexual assault. Why pick that? Just because it was a really, really hard obstacle for your fictional women to overcome? Just so they could fight really hard, so the audience had a high stake in the well-being of these fictional characters--oh, wait. We're not supposed to get angry about or too invested in fictional rapes and assaults, because they're not real rapes or assaults. Well...scratch the idea of audience investment or character development.
- Can you imagine this sentence being used to rationalize or justify rape or sexual assault in real life?: "Women need men to put them in their place, because all women should learn their place in the world." Woman: "It's just an obstacle women must learn to overcome," or, "Queers just need to use their sexualities the way God intended, because the only real relationship is with someone of the opposite sex." Queer person in religious therapy: "My sexuality is just an obstacle I must learn to overcome."

[sarcasm] Why, I'm sure I'd never hear that in real life. That would never happen. I've never ever seen the rationale or threat of corrective rape deployed against anyone as an actual real-life control tactic anywhere in the real world. No, I'm sure that nobody would ever use those sentences to justify rape or sexual assault or coercion in real life. Sexuality and the free exercise thereof is only viewed as an obstacle to be overcome via rape in fictional settings. [/sarcasm]

3.) What’s more, they aren’t shown outright, but through metaphors, which takes yet another step away from being exploitative and sensationalistic. By making sex “dancing” and a corrupt mental institution into a burlesque hall/brothel, Snyder is being the opposite of exploitative. He isn’t showing for the sake of showing, as many films do. Rather, he’s making a situation clear while attempting to not take advantage of his young actresses.

- I fail to see how not showing acts of rape or sexual exploitation, but instead implying that those acts take place off-camera, clarifies the status of those acts to the viewers of the film. Indeed, most of the internet debate I have seen about this movie is centered on the questions, "do you think the main character killed her sister, given that the bullet impact happened offscreen? Do you think the main characters were raped, given that any such actions would have taken place offscreen?"

- Death or sex metaphors are automatically less exploitative and sensationalistic than actual onscreen death or sex act equivalents would be? OMG, I'd better raise Henry Reed from the dead right now to tell him that nobody ever understood that Naming of the Parts was about death and sex, because he couched the whole poem in those utterly opaque military metaphors!

- It's "Show and Tell" time, People in Real Life Class: remember, first you show something, and then you talk more about the thing you showed in some way, so we can see why it's interesting or important to you. Toby? A turtle? And you've made this youtube video of it eating? That's very interesting; thanks, Toby. Senator Green? A bill we should all vote for? Which this chart says will bring about world peace? Well, you've all given us something to think about, Senator. Thank you. Director Zak Snyder? A movie featuring off-screen rape of a woman character? ... Well, is there anything you have to say about rape or women? No, Mr. Snyder, showing it again isn't going to get your point across. No, Zak, showing it again with robot dinosaur burlesque Nazi laser guns isn't going to tell me what you were thinking about women or rape the first time. No, Zac. The class will not guess if it really happened since you never really showed us the pictures. No, we will not guess if it was really all an ether-dream or not. Sit *down,* Mr. Snyder. Do you want me to call you down to the principal's office? ... thank you, Zac. Please see me after class.

Over at Rose Lemberg's journal, there's a call for submissions for an reprint anthology of feminist speculative poetry at Aqueduct Press, "The Moment of Change". I've already submitted one poem and hope to submit another; go and look!