Tasklist

29/8/12 20:05
eredien: Dancing Dragon (Dancing)
Taking a page from [livejournal.com profile] rax:

To buy sooner rather than later:
New SSHD for eee
Glasses (closeup and distance)
Digital Hygrometer/Therm. for Tokai's tank
Printer paper and Ink or professional business card printing 250 cards on order from vistaprint
Updated shade + finial + bulb adapter for restored antique lamp from great-grandmother K-Mart, of all places!
Sheets for my bed
Notary Public Exam Fee

Video games to buy eventually:
Wario DIY Wii
Replacement Pokewalker for the one I lost at the farmer's mkt
Pokemon Black or White?
Okami Wii/DS?
Fire Emblem Gamecube/Wii/GBA?
Gamecube controller for wii

Other stuff to buy eventually:
Silicon Dawn tarot 2x
An apartment
New modular bed+awesome futon mattress of awesome
Mac Webcam xBox Live webcam works natively in Mac for $10. Awesome.
Butterfly Socks

To find:
DS Charger Yeah it was in my DS case ...

To sew:
Dog coat + Hem B.'s jeans
Doll clothes
Baby hat for B. and L.
Bike basket
Redo world's worst-diagrammed crossstitch
Winter hat pack items
Mending

To list on ebay/craigslist:
Freaking model horse collection argh just break into your own storage unit by remembering that your parents' good intentions will never actually lead them to put aside the time to do things they said he would do with you
Spare piano (don't ask); remember shipping deal w/local piano movers Report craiglist scam to craigslist

To write:
Absinthe Writeup
TY notes to people for whom I have petsitted, for asking for a review
WWIA notes digitization
WWIA chap 5
WWIA chap 6
Email replies to friends
Write 3rd stanza Tesla in Love, don't worry about 1st stanza rewrite yet
Writeup and Submit Sumptuary to GURPS company
Movie/Book writeups: Philadelphia Story
Movie/Book writeups: all the crap I read this spring in the hospital (The Picture of Dorian Gray, Winter Triptych, Bird Friendly Building Design, Washington: A Life, Sex on 6 Legs, Jack Reacher novels, Sew-What Pattern Free Bags, Battle Hymn of Tiger Mother, Sound of a Wild Snail Eating, Animals Make us Human, A Fair Maiden, Goon Squad, America: You Sexy Bitch, Off the Cuff, One Man's Garden, At Home)
Ulysses writeup one good book
Gecko article
Revise sword in the hand
write up sword in the hand
post sword in the hand
Review of Dog Stars
Peachberry pie, 3-tomato eggplant parmesan, and stirfry recipe writeup + carrot-saffron risotto and sweet potato soup
Salty Mango Lassi Ice Cream recipe writeup + photo to flickr, LJ
Writeup of MWPAI exhibits

To read:
Finish Hare w/Amber Eyes
Restart Ulysses
Find public-domain bilingual copy of Brothers Dostovesky, read once Ulysses is done

To website:
Catification writeup + submission
Website design - doesn't have to be fancy, check pininterest re: color schemes
Addon website for Paws & Claws petsitting
Twitter design - should mirror website
LJ design - should mirror website - embed?
Upload final foxes video to Youtube, Flickr
Upload historical local house photos to Flickr in new set, email url to historic preservation people
Upload baby shower photos to Flickr, email url to C & B
1 hr Help mom with photo upload/CD burn
Upload B. bd party photos to Flickr, email URL to Bethany
Get Genderplayful setup with winter hat pack items
Email butter lady for mom
Fish photos, drop off camera to process scan in photos, upload to Flickr
Upload cat show photos to flickr
KeePassX

To design:
Business cards for Paws & Claws petsitting

To post:
Business cards for Paws & Claws
Return ASL DVD to library, get ASL book instead

Games:
Take Go books out of the library again, but this time one at a time
Continue playing through chapter-end book questions on Goban
Play Glitch again, determine if I still want my acct. there This game looks awesomer than ever; too bad it's too slow and keeps crashing my browser.

Jobs:
Notary Public Exam
MCPHS? list pro and con, talk with Peg J.
Check w/BMC CDO
IDG Copy Editor Framingham
Cooking vegan shit in Boston
Call back NH library though chances of hiring are slim since budget did not pass Yeah they hired people already
Catsitting gig 13th-Oct 1
Syracuse Public TV
Check out Peace Corps as a committment for various mental health and dietary reasons I don't think this would be a good idea for me at this time; something to keep in mind for future.
Sub. teaching
Hamilton Editing Position
Spring farm cares

Places to volunteer:
Call back zoo Docent Orientation Oct 14th
Call Boston zoos re: volunteer program http://www.zoonewengland.org/page.aspx?pid=242 apply for Keeper Aide when I am in the area
Get back in touch with BMC gender activism people - try emailing admissions again; get in touch with Wellesley & Holyoke alums
to this end call Rachel D. in Albany

Other things to apply to:
Financial aid for NBSS
Application for NBSS for spring 2013 pres. carpentry program
Tufts summer school session again should I again find myself in Somerville
Clarion 2013
Traditional Building Master's Deg. class at Boston Architectural College

Music:
Perform Für Elise for A. and B. while they are here This didn't get done
Finish composing "TimesNR" in Wario DIY & output to interwebs
Relearn Moonlight Sonata
Call Tina re: piano/organ lesson swap for vegan food? Left email for B.
Fix iTunes (Japanese & Russian transcription error correction, add correct composers for Holst & other classical for sort error correction. Upload entire CD library. Transfer cassettes not avail. on Amazon to MP3. Otherwise buy slowly w/change off of Amazon MP3. Sync iPod to use at gym.)

Exercise:
Go to the gym everyday. Use the time to listen to new music and relax. You don't have to prove any damn thing and if someone tries to make you guilty for spending time on yourself screw it.

Health:
Call foodstamps people and say your father is withholding necessary application info from you out of, apparently, sheer and total personal incompetence. Ask for next steps. Don't be embarrassed; It's not your fault the information has been withheld. Remember that getting rid of food insecurity and into food security will help you. You deserve to eat healthily. Read this article as many times as you need to to make the call.

Consult lawyer (K.?) to ask about statute of limitations on ENT doctor in Indiana who pumped me full of allergens after hospitalization Email K. again Look up stuff K advised me to

Call dojo that offers 1st month free + women's discounts to sit in on a muy tai or taichi class 6 pm beginner's class today Save up $ to restart martial arts

Call Alicia for Coffee

Pin down Brenda and mom for cat show times on 16th Sept. Hahaaa this is so not going to be decided until day of, but I try.

Call P. tomorrow re: catsitting 3 pm appt Sun done

Call D.K. re: fixing broken earrings Call Goldmine or Wilcox's jewelers & get rates Bring earring by, get estimate. Pick up fixed earrings

File:
Remaining stuff in filing cabinet.
Remaining email update list.
Combine buystuff email and personal email
Get new addresses for friends; update in Address book. Sync AB with iPod.
Sync AB with Google
Sync email list between private + personal email addresses.
Update all the accounts.
Stop Serbian hacker

Money:
List all accts in Manilia setup
List all accts in Mint
Balance checkbook + savings accts
Begin paying back remaining interest-bearing debts - call if necessary DONE
Begin paying back personal debts

Gender:
Tarot from Orion?
Consult self re: pronouns at end of year?

Notes

1/9/11 20:52
eredien: Dancing Dragon (Default)
Why I never returned your email:
If you have tried to contact me via email in the last month or so, I did not get your email, as I am locked out of all my gmail accounts due to a long and complicated story involving unrecoverable files on a laptop, a backup which failed, a phone which lost the program I needed to recover my files, and the fact that the gmail guardians of last resort will never be convinced that I am really the owner of any of my email addresses, since I cannot remember facts like the specific date on which I first activated my gmail account lo these many years ago. I am currently in the process of trying to figure out what to do next in terms of email communications, and in terms of my Google Plus identity.

TL;DR: I do not recommend implementing google 2-step authentication.

How to contact me now:
Texting me on my cellphone is best. Calling is ok too. When I get an email again I will post it here.

Where are you living now?:
I have settled into the new house. It is good. There are trees, and a small river nearby, and also the city is nearby. I have gotten used to Boston again. I am kind of starting to enjoy living here again.

What are your roommates like?:
Roommate E. went goth clubbing with me and some friends this Monday. It was exhausting but really fun. She is awesome. Roommate J. is almost never here, and he is sometimes very confusing in how he relates to people, although he is also nice. We are looking for a roommate to replace J.

What is your job like?:
My contract with Nokia was not renewed--I made a decision to pursue a career I liked better instead. As far as that goes I was very happy indeed though....recently though through nothing that could have been predicted my job description and responsibilities were changed at a very rapid pace, twice in two weeks, and that has recently thrown me off balance. I hope to work there for some time to come, as long as I continue to really enjoy the job and manage it well, and continue to learn my own strengths/weaknesses as an employee.

Are you staying in Boston for the forseeable future?:
Probably, unless I apply elsewhere for grad school and get a scholarship. I have found there is a food sciences program at Harvard Extension school and am considering figuring out if the program there seems as good a fit for me as the one at IU did. I am still really interested in getting my masters' degree, but need to make sure I pick the right program and right choice and have the resources at hand to back me up.

What is happening with your family?:
My sister is still awesome, as is my brother-in-law.

I attempted to reconcile with my family, with the help and assistance of my therapist, in late June. It did not go well. My father absented himself for half the session, and my mother told me that she was offended on behalf of the truly abused when I claimed I was abused. Some things that they told me make more sense now--I understand now why my mother hurts when I pull back from physical contact with her. But I also understand why I pull back from physical contact. I wish I had understood both of those things sooner. But I am glad I understand them now.

It took me a while to figure out what to do with my family relations after that. I visited my hometown in August, and had a good time with the rest of my extended family, and mourned a cousin who died, and finally came to realize and articulate to myself about a half-month ago that the best course for me would be to let my parents go, finally, because of the fact that they use friends, family, and loved ones to critique and hurt me. They also used me to hurt my friends, family and loved ones by constantly querying my timelines, decisions, choices, efforts and timetables until I started distrusting my own daily choices and hard-won self-knowledge and confidence in my own joy and the joy I found in my loved ones, family, and friends. I became so distrustful of most of my own desires that I questioned away my joyful, confident, knowledgeable, brave, self-assured, and kind self every time I was asked to make a decision. Because I was going through the insidious self-undermining cycle of mental self-flagellation caused by my abusive relationship with my parents--at a time when my partner and I already needed me to stronger, kinder, more effective, and clearly decisive on a daily basis--eventually every single daily decision I made on my own or was asked to make on behalf of the relationship became a process of desperately struggling to trust and express my own needs and wants, or rejecting my own needs and wants and expressing them as selfish, foolish, petty, or undeserving of being met.

I couldn't see the self-abuse, and didn't really know what was happening at the time, other than to know that I knew profound joy and love and respect when I allowed myself to follow my own heart's deepest promptings, and profoundly hurt when I did not allow myself to follow them. I decided to follow my own heart's deepest and most joyful promptings even though I was scared to let myself trust myself. Then, I was so proud to find that trusting and expressing my own joys again made myself and others happy. Then, I was profoundly terrified to learn that my decision to trust myself had not made my partner feel as happy as she said she was, but had made her feel scared and manipulated instead. In learning that, I felt had finally done what I had been taught that trusting my own decisions would inevitably do--cause a lot of hurt. I was taught that expressing my own needs was selfish. I was taught that trusting myself to love people and be loved was foolish because the people who loved me would always eventually admit that though they loved and cared for me, they ultimately felt trapped and constrained by my love and joy and presence in their lives but had felt obligated to lie to me about it because they couldn't bear to see me hurt when they told me the truth--that I was being selfish when I dared to express my love for them.

I stopped making decisions for a long while after that, and just accepted the decisions of others--whatever would make them happiest or most convenient, I did. I was hurt. That's what I do when I'm hurt.

Later, I realized that the above was the opposite of what actually happened. I realized that I could trust myself and my own decisions, I realized the interpretation of what would happen if I trusted myself was colored and twisted by my abuse and my hurt. I feel really proud and happy I realized that.

In the time between trusting my first decision, and knowing with the sick logic of the abused that I had hurt people by trusting myself and daring to have the audacity to love someone and be loved back, and realizing that that incorrect interpretation of events was formed by the patterns of self-doubt and questioning-abuse that bringing my joyful relationship to my parents had re-started in my own head, there were a few months where I felt a great self-loathing for my own capacity for love and joy.
There were a few months where I really believed that by allowing myself to trust myself, by being proud of my ability to do so, and by being proud of my ability to love others and be loved, I had been utterly selfish, and bore direct responsibility for the breakup. I felt that if I hadn't ever given in to allowing myself to selfishly love and trust her and trust myself to be with her, she would never have felt constrained by my love, never felt she had to lie to me about her perspective on my choices, never had to feel as if she had to tell me she was happy with me when she wasn't, and never needed me to leave. I hurt a lot.

I said a lot of things about myself that weren't kind that I regret. I said a lot of things about others that weren't kind that I regret. I don't think I could have gotten here today without having gone through that period of hating myself for being able to trust in my choices, hating that I could trust that my partners were telling me the truth, and hating myself for loving myself enough to allow myself to express my needs, which finally showed itself up as the foolishness it was all along.

It is good to trust myself. It is good to express my choices. It is good to love and be loved. What wasn't good was letting my self-confidence get undermined by my parents' insidious questioning of all my choices, such that I myself began questioning those things and hurt myself and the people I loved.

I can't think of a way to have a relationship with my parents that won't ultimately end in their raising objections and tiny undermining critiquing questions about everything I do, am, want to be, or who or what I love. I can't talk with them without talking about those things. They don't have the willpower to resist getting me to question every decision I make, and I believe they don't fully understand what they are doing. I don't have the ability, even after a decade of being on my own and learning--and being taught--to love myself and others better and better, to fully evade the abuse pattern. I don't know if any amount of self-love and self-confidence would ever be enough, because the more I have of it the more they use it as a weapon to convince me I am selfish and ungrateful, and turn me against my own best self. So, I am not talking to them any more.

I should have cut off relations with them fully last summer for my own health, but I had to be sure that I was making a decision that was good for me and not just good for my relationships--if it had been good for my relationships but bad for me it would ultimately have been a bad decision for my relationships as well.

TL;DR: I am cutting off relationships with my parents: the better I get, the more they use it against me and the people I love. They use the love I have for others to critique and hurt me and get me to doubt myself, and they use the love others have for me to critique and hurt others and get them to doubt themselves through my doubt. They have even done it to themselves, with their own love. This is unacceptable. They cannot stop. The better I get, the more ammo I give them. This is unfortunate, but I am not even really sad about it anymore; it's been more than a year coming slowly to this decision, since even mid 2009 I think, at the engagement party my parents threw for us: they didn't care if I or my partner wanted it. They were throwing it for themselves in a very real sense. I started to try and convince myself that they were doing it for me and my partner because I wanted to convince myself of that so badly, and I succeeded. When they did not call her when I was sick the summer of 2010, I tried to convince myself that it was because I had never done a good job of showing my family what I loved about her, because I so badly didn't want to admit that they would never respect me and the choices I made in my life, and I succeeded. From there, a whole host of doubts flowed and paralyzed my every move. No more.

I feel a vast sense of relief and the beginnings of a new life.

How is your health?:
Generally pretty ok, though often I have to go off antidepressants as I do not have enough money to pay for my psych services out of pocket and they do not take the state healthcare plan (no health insurance at job). However, I am still getting antidepressants and going to counseling when I can afford it, and enjoy it. It has been really helpful. I got a new doctor early this spring. I have not yet visited her; when I do for my yearly October visit I plan on introducing myself and asking for new hormone level tests, as well as discussing the fact that my psych medication noticeably interacts with my PMS in somewhat confusing ways. I also plan on asking for an allergy referral and a sleep study, as I have been having problems with my sleep cycle for years now and might finally have the resources to get help for myself.

I am tentatively trying out going vegetarian for health reasons, as I suspect I might have the beginnings of a latex-fruit reactivity problem. I am also putting it off for health reasons, as I know I have a lactose intolerance that makes me ill and uncomfortable for days at a time. I am also putting it off for ethical reasons, as I am really uncomfortable eating the commercially-produced milk, cheese and eggs that appear in so many processed food products now.

What have you been doing?:
Reading, writing, and healing. The fey novel is going to be about abuse, recovery, and its complexities: I cried when I realized that. I have also been hiking and swimming a lot. There is a lake about a mile from my house in one direction. There is a bookstore about a mile in the other direction. Life is, generally, good.

How are your pets?:
Tokai is finally eating on her own again. I am thrilled. She is a mighty huntress! Oolong is herself. She is adorable and fluffy and somewhat dopey. She's also 3 next month.

March 2016

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