eredien: Dancing Dragon (Default)
[personal profile] eredien
So, I need to apply to some jobs. But I'm stuck.

I can either:
1.) Apply to part-time jobs, or temp jobs for commission, that will leave me with time and energy to work a second part-time job for no pay (art and writing), which has massive happiness benefits for me. These jobs will not have health benefits.

2.) Apply to full-time jobs which will leave me with health benefits, but not have any energy or time left over for art and writing once I, say, have eaten dinner and cleaned the laundry. (I thought I could do this, and worked from 2005-2010 in jobs that I thought would let me do this, and it didn't happen. If I go this route, I will give up art as a career--I don't want to squander another half-decade of my life pretending like I'm going to write a novel, but knowing full well it's not going to happen because I've got no time or energy).

Oh, and I also need to:
- Get an apartment
- Move again, paying all moving expenses
- Figure out a way to afford grad school
- Pay for expenses, including special cat food that runs $45/bag

I'm secretly terrified of going to grad school. Remember that summer course I tried to take a while ago, the Urban Studies one at Tufts, which I was really excited about and was going to use to catapault myself back into academia and figuring out what I wanted to do for grad school for real?

I quit not because the workload was too much, but because when I tried to do the readings to do the work, the part of my brain that understands how to do hard academic reading shut down--and doing the work was impossible under those conditions. I was reading the words, but couldn't remember the ideas in the individual sentences long enough to follow a train of thought through a paragraph, much less from one paragraph to the next. I would finish an article, and have no ability to recall or summarize the main points of what I just read. And this is urban studies, not literary theory--the points are generally pretty straightforward, like "we can use these techniques to increase pedestrian safety; here's why America isn't using them."

That's also why the paper I gave a week later at Readercon was something that I was ashamed of--it felt like it kind of ran from point to point, and when Thrud asked a question that made sense given the paper's topic, I panicked because her question (about the trope of the flawed hero in early myth) literally made no sense to me. I heard the words coming out, in academic English, but I did not understand her question because I could not parse the sentence because I didn't catch the individual words. This was humiliating. I'd never written a paper that I wasn't proud of before, much less given one that I wasn't happy with at a professional conference.

I told everyone that it was the workload because I felt freaked out, confused, and ashamed, and had no idea what had happened to my brain or my ability to remember or think. I saw indications of the problem before--I thought that I was just rusty--by subjecting myself to things like independent essay-writing projects or summer classes, I would soon get back into the thick of things, and not have to worry about it, but the problem got worse as soon as I tried to fix it.

The same thing happens with novels. Unless I write down what I am thinking about the novel immediately after I read it (which is why I have been writing book reviews), I forget that I read it. I don't remember what it was about. I don't remember the characters very well. If it pick it up again I will remember that I read it, but it's like a transient experience.

That's why the only thing I've really been reading lately is political commentary and webcomics. The former is a few paragraphs that I can understand in a short burst of thought; the latter is not reading in the way that I usually understand it in that it is not entirely audio-based (when I read, I hear the phrases more or less spoken aloud in my head, and with comics, it's more like a movie, since a setting/scene is also provided).

For someone who desperately needs intellectual stimulation to keep her happy, I am pretty miserable, and I have no idea what to do about it. I've been miserable like this since I graduated college, when I felt intellectually at the top of my game and then took a minimum wage job working a call-center because that was all that was available, and then a job where I was routinely writing at top-speed, and editing, but not reading that much.

This is why, if you ask me to do something, sometimes I will stand there slack-jawed. I am not trying to be stupid. I am trying to remember what the word "washcloth" means.

This is why I haven't pursued grad school, while having dreams about screaming in horrible jealousy at a roomful of the people I know who are attending grad school (which just made me feel like an ass). This is why I constantly complain about going back to school and don't, well, apply for anything. This is why I've only written a handful of poems since 2005, and one short story finished. This is why I've switched to doing things with my hands, and why I've started complaining about it--I love doing things with my hands, but not as a main occupation; the fact that I feel as if I have no other choice but to do the things I still feel I can do has embittered me about those things, and I can't love them as much as I want to, or need to.

I am kind of terrified, as the only thing that really gives my life a deep meaning is writing and thinking and reading, and I appear to be losing my access to...whatever it is that gives language meaning in my brain. Sometimes I can think, and write, and churn out an idea, and manage to fix it on the page as a poem or something, or maybe part of a story.
But even then there's a clarity lacking that I know I am hieing after, and not finding. And I don't know what to do about any of it.

I'm really, really scared.

And I'm broke, so I need a job, desperately.

And I'm not sure which kind of job to pick. I desperately want to be able to do art and writing, but I don't know what to do about this problem where I read a page of, say, critical literary theory, or a long-form article, or a novel, and then want to go hide in a corner for the next hour because I can't understand it and don't remember it and can't...think...about it.

That's never happened before, and it's terrifying; I feel really broken in a fundamental way. I have no idea why. Did my brain just get through Bryn Mawr and give up? That feels really--not correct, as a theory, to me. I mean, I've been reading, and understanding and caring about reading, since before I cared about almost anything else in my life. But I could do it once, right, and do it brilliantly to boot--so why not now, when I need and want to?

Given all of this, what kinds of jobs should I apply to? Does anyone have thoughts?

It's taken me a really long time to talk about this--to think about this--because most of the people I know, and all of the people I care about, are really smart people. They value smartness, and quickness of wit and of mind, and that particular type of friendship that comes from recommending mutually agreeable books to each other, and the ability to have an intellectual discussion and follow a thread of argument, and valuing it when they learn a new word or idea. And I used to be one of those people. And I still care passionately about those things. And because I was surrounded--I surrounded myself--with people like that, like myself, it was harder to notice when I felt things going away; and once I realized what was happening, last summer, I was too scared to speak up because, well, things like that just don't go away, do they? And if they do, what will you be left with if you've spent your whole life being smart and thinking of yourself as smart and gradually feel like you don't know how to conduct a conversation anymore, and can't read your way through a text you'd read in highschool without losing a plot point?

It's why I've sat glumly through a lot of interesting intellectual discussions in the past year, while my friends kept looking over at me, wondering why I wasn't joining it, and why I declined to say anything if invited. I couldn't follow the threads of most arguments in book group, for instance; I couldn't understand the way that the sentences that people were speaking built up into a comment or theory or joke; it's been really hard for me to interact with people new and old.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this while putting together a puzzle in the gaming room at Anthrocon--a puzzle, simple, because I couldn't follow the rules for the new expansion of Race for the Galaxy, and kept losing my place when I tried to write the essay I was to present the following week--and feeling terrified that I was going to lose myself and the relationships that I cared about because I couldn't force myself to be intellectual enough for me to be happy, anymore. And now I feel like I kind of have lost those things, because my lack of pursuit of intellectual things and bitterness about working with my hands, which I loved to do before, ate into my life and my relationships. And I spent a lot of time thinking about it when I was outside, or constructing things with my hands, over the last year. That, too, was creative work, and worthwhile--so why was I so bitter about doing it? Why was I saying I hated it, and presenting myself to others as if I hated it, and complaining incessantly that it took up time from art, when what I hated was the feeling that I had to be working with my hands, because that was the only thing I was good at, anymore? I could easily have made time for art in my life, but was terrified that I would try and fail, again.

That's what I've been thinking about a lot, since that summer school session, and things have definitely come to a point where I can't ignore the question anymore.

Thoughts...would be really appreciated, here.

[Addendum: I first noticed this problem when I realized I was having a hard time remembering song lyrics, something I had always been able to do with no effort. This is largely why I don't sing anymore.]

(no subject)

3/9/10 05:19 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] rabidfangurl.livejournal.com
My advice? Go to the doctor. Stat. Gradual aphasia like that sounds like it could be some kind of serious health issue. Alternately, it may be some kind of mental block you need to work through in therapy.

As for jobs, there are part-time jobs that give health benefits. Look around. Some make you wait a year (see my grocery job), but you will get benefits. Also, you currently live in MA, the state where insurance is mandatory and subsidized for the broke. You will have coverage of *some* kind.

(no subject)

3/9/10 16:44 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] rachelmanija.livejournal.com
That's what I was thinking. It sounds like some kind of medical issue which no one can diagnose through the internet. I'm not sure whether you need a general practitioner, a psychiatrist, or neurologist, but it sounds like one or more of those should be able to figure it out.

(no subject)

3/9/10 05:38 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] prisminawindow.livejournal.com
I just managed to accidentally delete my comment. I'm guessing it got emailed to you anyway, but if not, let me know and I'll try to recreate it. Sorry!

(no subject)

3/9/10 06:12 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] prisminawindow.livejournal.com
Thanks! I'll send you my email address now.

(no subject)

3/9/10 12:57 (UTC)
clauclauclaudia: (Eternal Sunshine - fucked up girl - my o)
Posted by [personal profile] clauclauclaudia
[livejournal.com profile] rmd and I both agree that this sounds like it might easily be a very testable, blood test quick answer type thing.

Specifically, rmd is hypothyroid and she said "thyroid thyroid thyroid" before I'd finished a sentence summarizing how you're feeling. She started to feel *really stupid* and for a while though, 'well, I'm in my mid-thirties, maybe this is what happens when you get older and your brain starts slowing down'.

But no. This was a totally solvable with a daily pill issue, and everything snapped back into focus.

This is why she doesn't motorcycle anymore: if her levels are off and she doesn't realize, her reflexes become slower and brain becomes stupider (her description) than she's comfortable with.

I'm *sure* this is something with a cause, and the odds are good it's a treatable cause. I know without health care getting tests can be expensive, and regardless, it's scary, but I really urge you to describe this to a GP and let them investigate.

And get whatever job will give you money/resources enough to deal with this question, and don't think of it as a trap--think of it as the first step toward doing what you *want* to be doing.

Good luck, and go you for talking about something so scary and good luck and *hugs*. And good luck.

(no subject)

3/9/10 18:31 (UTC)
weirdquark: Stack of books (Default)
Posted by [personal profile] weirdquark
And get whatever job will give you money/resources enough to deal with this question, and don't think of it as a trap--think of it as the first step toward doing what you *want* to be doing.

I second this, and also pretty much all of the other things that people have been saying.

(no subject)

3/9/10 12:12 (UTC)
navrins: (Default)
Posted by [personal profile] navrins
It does sound to me like this could be a problem with a medical or psychological kind of solution. It's probably worth it to investigate and find out if that's so, because if you can make the problem go away then your options open up again. It might even be worth taking a not so satisfying job for a while if you need to do that to get the health insurance needed to deal with that... although as someone else said, it might not be necessary to do so.

Good luck!

(no subject)

3/9/10 12:29 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] kaypendragon.livejournal.com
Seconding what others said about doctors and tests.

Also - Have you considered a "year off" kind of job? Like the Peace Corps? It might force you to take a break and really think about yourself, while at least temporarily solving the problem of food and rent (although, not necessarily the cat). If you're interested, I have a list of them somewhere and will happily find said list for you.

(no subject)

3/9/10 13:40 (UTC)
ext_14357: (squids rise up)
Posted by [identity profile] trifles.livejournal.com
What everyone else has been saying. As I was reading this, I saw so much of myself when I was depressed -- losing the mental abilities, losing words, losing energy, losing art. I think this is definitely something medical -- I'm a big cheerleader for Prozac and fish oil, but I do think there's something out there that can help you.

(no subject)

3/9/10 13:55 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] gaudior.livejournal.com
I agree with everyone else: go to the doctor.

If the doctor doesn't know what's going on, go to the Leon E. Brenner Center. They're based out of MSPP, and they do thorough, comprehensive, smart, supportive, compassionate psychological evaluations. A thing I know about them is that they work very hard to put the comfort of the client first, and to explain their test results clearly in ways that make sense and are useful to you. They have sliding scales for fees, and I believe (though I could be wrong) that they take Mass Health.

But beyond that: it's worth noting that all of us who care about you do so for you, not just for your intellectual abilities. While you have a fine and interesting mind, and that is part of what is fun about talking to you, it is far from the only thing that matters about you. I am just saying.

(no subject)

3/9/10 17:19 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] thomasyan.livejournal.com
care about you do so for you

This.

Plus, like everyone else, I agree you should go see a doctor.

(no subject)

3/9/10 14:18 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] a4yroldfaerie.livejournal.com
First off, on board with the go to a dr thing. Go to several drs if need be. And, if you have someone you are comfortable with and trust etc who can accommodate it, bring them with you to make sure that two people are keeping track of what the dr is saying and asking questions, especially because that sounds like it might be a problem for you right now.

*

On the job front--I believe Starbucks, Whole Foods, and I am not sure who else offer benefits to part-time employees. I am not sure how many hours you need to work or how easy it is to get a job there in the current economy and in whatever place you choose to be in, but that might be the best of both worlds, at least for a little while? They are also good jobs to have while being a starving artist because you are likely to have access to free food in the form of things that are past sell-by but not expired, and Whole Foods at least should include vegan things.

*

One of my big mental health things is that I felt like when I was,/s> am screwing up in school that this will result in people not liking me. There seemed to be factual evidence for this, because when I left and came back I had no friends (everyone I was close with had gone JYA or was on leave). But it was a lie. We don't like you for your wit. Well, ok, we do. BUt in my case at least I was happy to be moving to a city you were in and to get to spend time with you because you are incredibly sweet, because you get very enthusiastic, and because you don't assume that that enthusiasm means I *have* to share it, and because you are a pet person. To name a few things. I know tons of smart people. I am only friends with some of them, you know?

(no subject)

3/9/10 16:31 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] wherdragon.livejournal.com
I can say confidantly that Starbucks is 20 hrs/week to get health benefits. As for ease of getting a job... it's been varying wildly in my hometown where I work, so I have no idea about where you'll be, E.
Posted by [identity profile] jcfiala.livejournal.com
Doctor.

Go see a doctor. Hopefully it's just a vitamin thing that can get corrected, but honestly you need to go and see a doctor.

Please.

(no subject)

3/9/10 15:47 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] blushingflower.livejournal.com
There are some places that give health benefits to part time employees. Barnes and Noble is one that I know of off the top of my head, but there are others, generally large national chains. There may also be positions at the university that are part-time with benefits (including tuition benefits, should you choose to go back to school)

I also think that this new found difficulty is something that you should mention to your therapist. A block like this, to my non-medical mind, sounds like it has a cause. Either psychological or physiological, but a cause. It might be stress and depression and anxiety simply affecting your ability to process language.

(no subject)

3/9/10 16:33 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] gallian.livejournal.com
Echoing the dr comments.

*hugs* We like you no matter what.

(no subject)

3/9/10 16:40 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] wherdragon.livejournal.com
First, I'm friends with you because of you. If highly intellectual things aren't what you're comfortable talking about (and even when nothing's going on with me, I'm not always interested), I'm happy to talk about something else, because you're what's important, not just the complexity of what you say or how quickly you say it.

I second what others have been saying; this sounds like something might be up with health, physical or mental. And in a way, that would be good, because then you can fix it! I know that having something definite makes me and many others feel better, because it's no longer unknown.

When I was, and still sometimes am, depressed or anxious, I can't follow arguments either. Before I got on the medicines I'm on and into therapy regularly, I couldn't read articles in the New York Times and remember the points, or analyze the validity of their arguments. It's gotten better for me, and I'm confident this will get better for you, too.

(no subject)

3/9/10 17:20 (UTC)
kelkyag: notched triangle signature mark in light blue on yellow (Default)
Posted by [personal profile] kelkyag
Permit me to join the chorus of people saying you should see a doctor about misplacing words. There are quite a number of things that can cause that sort of lapse, many of them treatable.

Job-wise -- pick out some of each, and compare them more carefully when you have offers & benefit details in hand. Some jobs that are more than half time but less than full time offer paid or partially paid health insurance. Also, look into the Mass Health options.

(no subject)

7/9/10 03:53 (UTC)
zeeth_kyrah: A glowing white and blue anthropomorphic horse stands before a pink and blue sky. (Default)
Posted by [personal profile] zeeth_kyrah
But I just feel weird when I'm typing, like I am now, and am having trouble hitting the keys because my fingers aren't *quite* responding in the way that I want them to--my muscles, especially the ones in my hands and in my lower legs, feel *exhausted* all of the time, as if I'd been using them a lot, but not pushing them hard, all the day before. It's not a soreness, really, it's just a lack of strength and--responsiveness. It's like when your computer is busy thinking and you move the mouse around and it follows the motion, but all the positions are a quarter-second behind. That's the only way I can put it that makes sense. And sometimes I go to pick up something and, once I've got it, my hand just opens up on its own, and the thing drops and breaks. It's really, really annoying. But the people I've been to can't find anything wrong and they don't seem disturbed when I tell them my symptoms.

Your wings and tail are manifesting. They're clearing out damage and unwanted energies, and this means they'll dump these energies through whatever channels are available; also, wings tend to link with arms, and tail with legs, apparently due to the shape of the internal "homonculus" brain-map of sensorimotor structures, so these body parts will receive sensations actually coming from the non-physical body parts. This likely explains why your hand will spasm: the wing is twitching. Also, the mis-mapping could easily explain why your fingers aren't hitting the correct keys.

Has your lower spine been sore recently, particularly at or just below the waist? That would be a sign that the tail is clearing damage; same for your back about half a hand-width below the shoulder blades, that being wings clearing out crud. This can affect your posture, causing a hunched over body due to soreness, which will affect your breathing due to a reduced lung and diaphragm expansion, and thus reduce the circulation of oxygen and fresh energies throughout your body.

Make sure you take a walk every day or so, just so you're moving in an upright position instead of sitting in a crouch. Seek more natural settings, as experiences with nature will tend to heal and vitalize. Remind yourself to sit up, and to breathe deeply, despite the pain, as this will help the unwanted stuff to clear more quickly and also bring in more fresh and vital material to supply you.

Keep posting this stuff, even if it's just to figure out for yourself what's going on. Any habit of self-expression will help to heal your voice; and any habit of self-exploration will help to heal your identity. I'm sure you know enough to break out of your habits now and then, to look around for new ways to do things.

I have more advice, but that's up to you.
ext_76029: red dragon (real life)
Posted by [identity profile] copperwolf.livejournal.com
"If I go this route, I will give up art as a career"
Even if you take a full-time job now, you can still quit after a year or two or five, when things have stabilized a bit.

(no subject)

3/9/10 20:30 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] jessiehl.livejournal.com
Trader Joe's has excellent benefits, including health/vision/dental coverage for part-time workers, and absurdly good retirement benefits. They are also hiring in the Boston area (just go to the website and search). The wages are not great, though.

Agreed with everyone else on the doctor thing. I spent most of my MIT career thinking I was somehow getting dumber, because of memory and concentration problems bad enough that I almost failed out. It turned out that I had sleep disorders - I spent four years of my life without going into the deepest stage of sleep or being able to sustain any deep sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. I went on a medication, and the memory and concentration problems largely went away.

(no subject)

4/9/10 17:28 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] csbermack.livejournal.com
== everyone else on doctor doctor doctor.

Also, consider lyme disease. I have a friend who had odd neurological issues that ultimately were long-term effects of an untreated lyme infection.

I think in your position I would be worrying about money and a job with health insurance first, and one that pays enough to get an apartment, and then worry about art and writing and all that second. Hierarchy of needs, yanno? Got to be healthy, got to be fed, got to have a place to sleep first. And if writing or arting doesn't work right now or even in the next five years, doesn't mean it won't work in ten years, so don't give up forever.

But for now? job. apartment, health insurance. Doctordoctordoctor.

(no subject)

4/9/10 21:30 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] daisho.livejournal.com
I think you've probably got the message about the 'go to a doctor' thing by now. <:) I'd also echo [livejournal.com profile] cshiley in pointing out that health insurance is essential here -- if it does turn out to be a problem that's resolvable but not immediately, you'll need the benefits from a full-time job.

That said, don't give up hope on the creativity. First of all, there's no reason to believe, at this stage, that any loss of critical faculties is permanent. There's every chance that a change in circumstances (and possibly some medical treatment) will help restore them.

Secondly (and please forgive me for bringing it up if you've already tried this), full-time work doesn't have to preclude being creative. Although picking and choosing jobs isn't easy at the moment, there are still some that have a fair bit of downtime -- receptionist, tech support and probably a few others I can't think of at the moment.

Even if the computer systems at the workplace are locked down, you can still take a notepad into the office and jot down poems, song lyrics, snatches of dialogue... anything that will help you to regain confidence in your ability to produce works of art. You don't have to sketch out the entire plot for a five-novel saga; just jot down whatever comes to mind.

(The sort of thing I have in mind, although there's certainly no reason your output needs to be anything like it, is similar to these fiction vignettes.

*hug* Hang in there. Those of us reading your journal will continue to try and help if you need us to, I'm sure!

(no subject)

5/9/10 01:37 (UTC)
kelkyag: notched triangle signature mark in light blue on yellow (Default)
Posted by [personal profile] kelkyag
I'm too exhausted from interacting with people all day

Might a job that was not people-facing leave you with more energy at the end of the day? Something data-facing or object-facing? (As an introvert, people and especially strangers are exhausting for me. Stuff isn't.)

(no subject)

5/9/10 09:14 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] daisho.livejournal.com
I understand. I'm sorry to make you repeat points you'd already put in your original post; I wasn't sure whether "jobs that I thought would let me do this" meant you'd already tried what I'd suggested, or were simply hoping a low-stress job would leave you with the energy to work in the evenings. Thanks for taking the trouble to explain.

For what it's worth, I still think medical insurance is the important thing at the moment. As others have suggested, you can always go part-time later and pick up the creative work then. Hope that's of some help, after being so initially irritating.

(no subject)

26/1/11 02:14 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] dragonsleuth.livejournal.com
Stress can make you deaf, dumb and blind, like wearing blinders. That may be a big part of it. But also check out Vitamin K deficiency. How are you feeling lately?

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