Thoughts on Possible Futures
3/9/10 00:41![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eredienSo, I need to apply to some jobs. But I'm stuck.
I can either:
1.) Apply to part-time jobs, or temp jobs for commission, that will leave me with time and energy to work a second part-time job for no pay (art and writing), which has massive happiness benefits for me. These jobs will not have health benefits.
2.) Apply to full-time jobs which will leave me with health benefits, but not have any energy or time left over for art and writing once I, say, have eaten dinner and cleaned the laundry. (I thought I could do this, and worked from 2005-2010 in jobs that I thought would let me do this, and it didn't happen. If I go this route, I will give up art as a career--I don't want to squander another half-decade of my life pretending like I'm going to write a novel, but knowing full well it's not going to happen because I've got no time or energy).
Oh, and I also need to:
- Get an apartment
- Move again, paying all moving expenses
- Figure out a way to afford grad school
- Pay for expenses, including special cat food that runs $45/bag
I'm secretly terrified of going to grad school. Remember that summer course I tried to take a while ago, the Urban Studies one at Tufts, which I was really excited about and was going to use to catapault myself back into academia and figuring out what I wanted to do for grad school for real?
I quit not because the workload was too much, but because when I tried to do the readings to do the work, the part of my brain that understands how to do hard academic reading shut down--and doing the work was impossible under those conditions. I was reading the words, but couldn't remember the ideas in the individual sentences long enough to follow a train of thought through a paragraph, much less from one paragraph to the next. I would finish an article, and have no ability to recall or summarize the main points of what I just read. And this is urban studies, not literary theory--the points are generally pretty straightforward, like "we can use these techniques to increase pedestrian safety; here's why America isn't using them."
That's also why the paper I gave a week later at Readercon was something that I was ashamed of--it felt like it kind of ran from point to point, and when Thrud asked a question that made sense given the paper's topic, I panicked because her question (about the trope of the flawed hero in early myth) literally made no sense to me. I heard the words coming out, in academic English, but I did not understand her question because I could not parse the sentence because I didn't catch the individual words. This was humiliating. I'd never written a paper that I wasn't proud of before, much less given one that I wasn't happy with at a professional conference.
I told everyone that it was the workload because I felt freaked out, confused, and ashamed, and had no idea what had happened to my brain or my ability to remember or think. I saw indications of the problem before--I thought that I was just rusty--by subjecting myself to things like independent essay-writing projects or summer classes, I would soon get back into the thick of things, and not have to worry about it, but the problem got worse as soon as I tried to fix it.
The same thing happens with novels. Unless I write down what I am thinking about the novel immediately after I read it (which is why I have been writing book reviews), I forget that I read it. I don't remember what it was about. I don't remember the characters very well. If it pick it up again I will remember that I read it, but it's like a transient experience.
That's why the only thing I've really been reading lately is political commentary and webcomics. The former is a few paragraphs that I can understand in a short burst of thought; the latter is not reading in the way that I usually understand it in that it is not entirely audio-based (when I read, I hear the phrases more or less spoken aloud in my head, and with comics, it's more like a movie, since a setting/scene is also provided).
For someone who desperately needs intellectual stimulation to keep her happy, I am pretty miserable, and I have no idea what to do about it. I've been miserable like this since I graduated college, when I felt intellectually at the top of my game and then took a minimum wage job working a call-center because that was all that was available, and then a job where I was routinely writing at top-speed, and editing, but not reading that much.
This is why, if you ask me to do something, sometimes I will stand there slack-jawed. I am not trying to be stupid. I am trying to remember what the word "washcloth" means.
This is why I haven't pursued grad school, while having dreams about screaming in horrible jealousy at a roomful of the people I know who are attending grad school (which just made me feel like an ass). This is why I constantly complain about going back to school and don't, well, apply for anything. This is why I've only written a handful of poems since 2005, and one short story finished. This is why I've switched to doing things with my hands, and why I've started complaining about it--I love doing things with my hands, but not as a main occupation; the fact that I feel as if I have no other choice but to do the things I still feel I can do has embittered me about those things, and I can't love them as much as I want to, or need to.
I am kind of terrified, as the only thing that really gives my life a deep meaning is writing and thinking and reading, and I appear to be losing my access to...whatever it is that gives language meaning in my brain. Sometimes I can think, and write, and churn out an idea, and manage to fix it on the page as a poem or something, or maybe part of a story.
But even then there's a clarity lacking that I know I am hieing after, and not finding. And I don't know what to do about any of it.
I'm really, really scared.
And I'm broke, so I need a job, desperately.
And I'm not sure which kind of job to pick. I desperately want to be able to do art and writing, but I don't know what to do about this problem where I read a page of, say, critical literary theory, or a long-form article, or a novel, and then want to go hide in a corner for the next hour because I can't understand it and don't remember it and can't...think...about it.
That's never happened before, and it's terrifying; I feel really broken in a fundamental way. I have no idea why. Did my brain just get through Bryn Mawr and give up? That feels really--not correct, as a theory, to me. I mean, I've been reading, and understanding and caring about reading, since before I cared about almost anything else in my life. But I could do it once, right, and do it brilliantly to boot--so why not now, when I need and want to?
Given all of this, what kinds of jobs should I apply to? Does anyone have thoughts?
It's taken me a really long time to talk about this--to think about this--because most of the people I know, and all of the people I care about, are really smart people. They value smartness, and quickness of wit and of mind, and that particular type of friendship that comes from recommending mutually agreeable books to each other, and the ability to have an intellectual discussion and follow a thread of argument, and valuing it when they learn a new word or idea. And I used to be one of those people. And I still care passionately about those things. And because I was surrounded--I surrounded myself--with people like that, like myself, it was harder to notice when I felt things going away; and once I realized what was happening, last summer, I was too scared to speak up because, well, things like that just don't go away, do they? And if they do, what will you be left with if you've spent your whole life being smart and thinking of yourself as smart and gradually feel like you don't know how to conduct a conversation anymore, and can't read your way through a text you'd read in highschool without losing a plot point?
It's why I've sat glumly through a lot of interesting intellectual discussions in the past year, while my friends kept looking over at me, wondering why I wasn't joining it, and why I declined to say anything if invited. I couldn't follow the threads of most arguments in book group, for instance; I couldn't understand the way that the sentences that people were speaking built up into a comment or theory or joke; it's been really hard for me to interact with people new and old.
I spent a lot of time thinking about this while putting together a puzzle in the gaming room at Anthrocon--a puzzle, simple, because I couldn't follow the rules for the new expansion of Race for the Galaxy, and kept losing my place when I tried to write the essay I was to present the following week--and feeling terrified that I was going to lose myself and the relationships that I cared about because I couldn't force myself to be intellectual enough for me to be happy, anymore. And now I feel like I kind of have lost those things, because my lack of pursuit of intellectual things and bitterness about working with my hands, which I loved to do before, ate into my life and my relationships. And I spent a lot of time thinking about it when I was outside, or constructing things with my hands, over the last year. That, too, was creative work, and worthwhile--so why was I so bitter about doing it? Why was I saying I hated it, and presenting myself to others as if I hated it, and complaining incessantly that it took up time from art, when what I hated was the feeling that I had to be working with my hands, because that was the only thing I was good at, anymore? I could easily have made time for art in my life, but was terrified that I would try and fail, again.
That's what I've been thinking about a lot, since that summer school session, and things have definitely come to a point where I can't ignore the question anymore.
Thoughts...would be really appreciated, here.
[Addendum: I first noticed this problem when I realized I was having a hard time remembering song lyrics, something I had always been able to do with no effort. This is largely why I don't sing anymore.]
I can either:
1.) Apply to part-time jobs, or temp jobs for commission, that will leave me with time and energy to work a second part-time job for no pay (art and writing), which has massive happiness benefits for me. These jobs will not have health benefits.
2.) Apply to full-time jobs which will leave me with health benefits, but not have any energy or time left over for art and writing once I, say, have eaten dinner and cleaned the laundry. (I thought I could do this, and worked from 2005-2010 in jobs that I thought would let me do this, and it didn't happen. If I go this route, I will give up art as a career--I don't want to squander another half-decade of my life pretending like I'm going to write a novel, but knowing full well it's not going to happen because I've got no time or energy).
Oh, and I also need to:
- Get an apartment
- Move again, paying all moving expenses
- Figure out a way to afford grad school
- Pay for expenses, including special cat food that runs $45/bag
I'm secretly terrified of going to grad school. Remember that summer course I tried to take a while ago, the Urban Studies one at Tufts, which I was really excited about and was going to use to catapault myself back into academia and figuring out what I wanted to do for grad school for real?
I quit not because the workload was too much, but because when I tried to do the readings to do the work, the part of my brain that understands how to do hard academic reading shut down--and doing the work was impossible under those conditions. I was reading the words, but couldn't remember the ideas in the individual sentences long enough to follow a train of thought through a paragraph, much less from one paragraph to the next. I would finish an article, and have no ability to recall or summarize the main points of what I just read. And this is urban studies, not literary theory--the points are generally pretty straightforward, like "we can use these techniques to increase pedestrian safety; here's why America isn't using them."
That's also why the paper I gave a week later at Readercon was something that I was ashamed of--it felt like it kind of ran from point to point, and when Thrud asked a question that made sense given the paper's topic, I panicked because her question (about the trope of the flawed hero in early myth) literally made no sense to me. I heard the words coming out, in academic English, but I did not understand her question because I could not parse the sentence because I didn't catch the individual words. This was humiliating. I'd never written a paper that I wasn't proud of before, much less given one that I wasn't happy with at a professional conference.
I told everyone that it was the workload because I felt freaked out, confused, and ashamed, and had no idea what had happened to my brain or my ability to remember or think. I saw indications of the problem before--I thought that I was just rusty--by subjecting myself to things like independent essay-writing projects or summer classes, I would soon get back into the thick of things, and not have to worry about it, but the problem got worse as soon as I tried to fix it.
The same thing happens with novels. Unless I write down what I am thinking about the novel immediately after I read it (which is why I have been writing book reviews), I forget that I read it. I don't remember what it was about. I don't remember the characters very well. If it pick it up again I will remember that I read it, but it's like a transient experience.
That's why the only thing I've really been reading lately is political commentary and webcomics. The former is a few paragraphs that I can understand in a short burst of thought; the latter is not reading in the way that I usually understand it in that it is not entirely audio-based (when I read, I hear the phrases more or less spoken aloud in my head, and with comics, it's more like a movie, since a setting/scene is also provided).
For someone who desperately needs intellectual stimulation to keep her happy, I am pretty miserable, and I have no idea what to do about it. I've been miserable like this since I graduated college, when I felt intellectually at the top of my game and then took a minimum wage job working a call-center because that was all that was available, and then a job where I was routinely writing at top-speed, and editing, but not reading that much.
This is why, if you ask me to do something, sometimes I will stand there slack-jawed. I am not trying to be stupid. I am trying to remember what the word "washcloth" means.
This is why I haven't pursued grad school, while having dreams about screaming in horrible jealousy at a roomful of the people I know who are attending grad school (which just made me feel like an ass). This is why I constantly complain about going back to school and don't, well, apply for anything. This is why I've only written a handful of poems since 2005, and one short story finished. This is why I've switched to doing things with my hands, and why I've started complaining about it--I love doing things with my hands, but not as a main occupation; the fact that I feel as if I have no other choice but to do the things I still feel I can do has embittered me about those things, and I can't love them as much as I want to, or need to.
I am kind of terrified, as the only thing that really gives my life a deep meaning is writing and thinking and reading, and I appear to be losing my access to...whatever it is that gives language meaning in my brain. Sometimes I can think, and write, and churn out an idea, and manage to fix it on the page as a poem or something, or maybe part of a story.
But even then there's a clarity lacking that I know I am hieing after, and not finding. And I don't know what to do about any of it.
I'm really, really scared.
And I'm broke, so I need a job, desperately.
And I'm not sure which kind of job to pick. I desperately want to be able to do art and writing, but I don't know what to do about this problem where I read a page of, say, critical literary theory, or a long-form article, or a novel, and then want to go hide in a corner for the next hour because I can't understand it and don't remember it and can't...think...about it.
That's never happened before, and it's terrifying; I feel really broken in a fundamental way. I have no idea why. Did my brain just get through Bryn Mawr and give up? That feels really--not correct, as a theory, to me. I mean, I've been reading, and understanding and caring about reading, since before I cared about almost anything else in my life. But I could do it once, right, and do it brilliantly to boot--so why not now, when I need and want to?
Given all of this, what kinds of jobs should I apply to? Does anyone have thoughts?
It's taken me a really long time to talk about this--to think about this--because most of the people I know, and all of the people I care about, are really smart people. They value smartness, and quickness of wit and of mind, and that particular type of friendship that comes from recommending mutually agreeable books to each other, and the ability to have an intellectual discussion and follow a thread of argument, and valuing it when they learn a new word or idea. And I used to be one of those people. And I still care passionately about those things. And because I was surrounded--I surrounded myself--with people like that, like myself, it was harder to notice when I felt things going away; and once I realized what was happening, last summer, I was too scared to speak up because, well, things like that just don't go away, do they? And if they do, what will you be left with if you've spent your whole life being smart and thinking of yourself as smart and gradually feel like you don't know how to conduct a conversation anymore, and can't read your way through a text you'd read in highschool without losing a plot point?
It's why I've sat glumly through a lot of interesting intellectual discussions in the past year, while my friends kept looking over at me, wondering why I wasn't joining it, and why I declined to say anything if invited. I couldn't follow the threads of most arguments in book group, for instance; I couldn't understand the way that the sentences that people were speaking built up into a comment or theory or joke; it's been really hard for me to interact with people new and old.
I spent a lot of time thinking about this while putting together a puzzle in the gaming room at Anthrocon--a puzzle, simple, because I couldn't follow the rules for the new expansion of Race for the Galaxy, and kept losing my place when I tried to write the essay I was to present the following week--and feeling terrified that I was going to lose myself and the relationships that I cared about because I couldn't force myself to be intellectual enough for me to be happy, anymore. And now I feel like I kind of have lost those things, because my lack of pursuit of intellectual things and bitterness about working with my hands, which I loved to do before, ate into my life and my relationships. And I spent a lot of time thinking about it when I was outside, or constructing things with my hands, over the last year. That, too, was creative work, and worthwhile--so why was I so bitter about doing it? Why was I saying I hated it, and presenting myself to others as if I hated it, and complaining incessantly that it took up time from art, when what I hated was the feeling that I had to be working with my hands, because that was the only thing I was good at, anymore? I could easily have made time for art in my life, but was terrified that I would try and fail, again.
That's what I've been thinking about a lot, since that summer school session, and things have definitely come to a point where I can't ignore the question anymore.
Thoughts...would be really appreciated, here.
[Addendum: I first noticed this problem when I realized I was having a hard time remembering song lyrics, something I had always been able to do with no effort. This is largely why I don't sing anymore.]
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(no subject)
3/9/10 05:19 (UTC)As for jobs, there are part-time jobs that give health benefits. Look around. Some make you wait a year (see my grocery job), but you will get benefits. Also, you currently live in MA, the state where insurance is mandatory and subsidized for the broke. You will have coverage of *some* kind.
(no subject)
3/9/10 16:44 (UTC)(no subject)
3/9/10 05:38 (UTC)(no subject)
3/9/10 05:51 (UTC)*Hugs*
I don't know if this is useful or relevant, but have you looked into
whether there's a partly nutritional component of the problem? Vitamin D
deficiencies can cause memory problems for example. And Omega-3 fatty
acids (especially DHA -- which you can now get vegan versions of from
algae) and B12 are both important to mental functioning.
I'm not sure that this would turn up anything, but it might be worthwhile
to go to a doctor or nutritionist and request some blood tests. What
you're describing might have some cause beyond just lack of mental
exercise. And the nutritional explanation might be a long-shot, but it
might be worth looking into, because if it turns out that there's a
supplement that could resolve some of this, it would be fantastic.
In any event, *hugs* This sounds really hard to go through, but I hope
that you find some resolution soon.
(no subject)
3/9/10 06:12 (UTC)(no subject)
3/9/10 12:57 (UTC)Specifically, rmd is hypothyroid and she said "thyroid thyroid thyroid" before I'd finished a sentence summarizing how you're feeling. She started to feel *really stupid* and for a while though, 'well, I'm in my mid-thirties, maybe this is what happens when you get older and your brain starts slowing down'.
But no. This was a totally solvable with a daily pill issue, and everything snapped back into focus.
This is why she doesn't motorcycle anymore: if her levels are off and she doesn't realize, her reflexes become slower and brain becomes stupider (her description) than she's comfortable with.
I'm *sure* this is something with a cause, and the odds are good it's a treatable cause. I know without health care getting tests can be expensive, and regardless, it's scary, but I really urge you to describe this to a GP and let them investigate.
And get whatever job will give you money/resources enough to deal with this question, and don't think of it as a trap--think of it as the first step toward doing what you *want* to be doing.
Good luck, and go you for talking about something so scary and good luck and *hugs*. And good luck.
(no subject)
3/9/10 18:31 (UTC)I second this, and also pretty much all of the other things that people have been saying.
(no subject)
3/9/10 12:12 (UTC)Good luck!
(no subject)
3/9/10 12:29 (UTC)Also - Have you considered a "year off" kind of job? Like the Peace Corps? It might force you to take a break and really think about yourself, while at least temporarily solving the problem of food and rent (although, not necessarily the cat). If you're interested, I have a list of them somewhere and will happily find said list for you.
(no subject)
3/9/10 13:40 (UTC)(no subject)
3/9/10 13:55 (UTC)If the doctor doesn't know what's going on, go to the Leon E. Brenner Center. They're based out of MSPP, and they do thorough, comprehensive, smart, supportive, compassionate psychological evaluations. A thing I know about them is that they work very hard to put the comfort of the client first, and to explain their test results clearly in ways that make sense and are useful to you. They have sliding scales for fees, and I believe (though I could be wrong) that they take Mass Health.
But beyond that: it's worth noting that all of us who care about you do so for you, not just for your intellectual abilities. While you have a fine and interesting mind, and that is part of what is fun about talking to you, it is far from the only thing that matters about you. I am just saying.
(no subject)
3/9/10 17:19 (UTC)This.
Plus, like everyone else, I agree you should go see a doctor.
(no subject)
3/9/10 14:18 (UTC)*
On the job front--I believe Starbucks, Whole Foods, and I am not sure who else offer benefits to part-time employees. I am not sure how many hours you need to work or how easy it is to get a job there in the current economy and in whatever place you choose to be in, but that might be the best of both worlds, at least for a little while? They are also good jobs to have while being a starving artist because you are likely to have access to free food in the form of things that are past sell-by but not expired, and Whole Foods at least should include vegan things.
*
One of my big mental health things is that I felt like when I
was,/s> am screwing up in school that this will result in people not liking me. There seemed to be factual evidence for this, because when I left and came back I had no friends (everyone I was close with had gone JYA or was on leave). But it was a lie. We don't like you for your wit. Well, ok, we do. BUt in my case at least I was happy to be moving to a city you were in and to get to spend time with you because you are incredibly sweet, because you get very enthusiastic, and because you don't assume that that enthusiasm means I *have* to share it, and because you are a pet person. To name a few things. I know tons of smart people. I am only friends with some of them, you know?(no subject)
3/9/10 16:31 (UTC)Total Agreement with Other Responses
3/9/10 14:19 (UTC)Go see a doctor. Hopefully it's just a vitamin thing that can get corrected, but honestly you need to go and see a doctor.
Please.
(no subject)
3/9/10 15:47 (UTC)I also think that this new found difficulty is something that you should mention to your therapist. A block like this, to my non-medical mind, sounds like it has a cause. Either psychological or physiological, but a cause. It might be stress and depression and anxiety simply affecting your ability to process language.
(no subject)
3/9/10 16:33 (UTC)*hugs* We like you no matter what.
(no subject)
3/9/10 16:40 (UTC)I second what others have been saying; this sounds like something might be up with health, physical or mental. And in a way, that would be good, because then you can fix it! I know that having something definite makes me and many others feel better, because it's no longer unknown.
When I was, and still sometimes am, depressed or anxious, I can't follow arguments either. Before I got on the medicines I'm on and into therapy regularly, I couldn't read articles in the New York Times and remember the points, or analyze the validity of their arguments. It's gotten better for me, and I'm confident this will get better for you, too.
(no subject)
3/9/10 17:20 (UTC)Job-wise -- pick out some of each, and compare them more carefully when you have offers & benefit details in hand. Some jobs that are more than half time but less than full time offer paid or partially paid health insurance. Also, look into the Mass Health options.
(no subject)
3/9/10 17:32 (UTC)I'm already talking to a therapist, and I have finally (after two and a half years of trying) gotten a promise to get a referral to a psychotherapist--psychologist--dammit can't remember which one prescribes meds--who can do an evaluation and put me on medication (the first therapist I went to didn't think I needed meds, and the one I've been seeing wanted to put me on them earlier, but there was no time to monitor side effects before the move, and the one I saw in Bloomington was going to get me a meds evaluation after we were both done with our respective vacations, but that plan didn't work out).
I keep reading the symptoms of thyroid problems, because for a while my general practitioner thought maybe I was overweight because of my thyroid, and had a lot of bloodwork done in '06 or so, but nothing came back; I had normal levels of all the regular hormones. My sister has PCOS and my mom has diabetes, so maybe I should get tested again, though.
I went to a nutritionist twice before I left Boston on the advice of my doctor, but her suggestions were *useless* ("you're smart, read the label to see how many calories something has and then only eat up to a certain amount of calories," and "you don't have to eat everything; just remind yourself you're not in a rfugee camp," to which I responded, "don't you think I haven't noticed that? I find that offensive on a number of levels! You aren't addressing my problem, which is that I still want to eat because I never feel full, regardless of calories or of the availability of food in general!")
I have the following symptoms of thyroid problems:
Hyperthyroidism:
* Weight loss despite increased appetiteheart palpitations,* Increased heart rate,
higher blood pressure, nervousness, and excessive perspiration* More frequent bowel movements, sometimes with diarrhea
* Muscle weakness, trembling hands
* Development of a goiter (an enlargement in your neck)* Lighter or shorter menstrual periods
Hypothyroidism:
* Lethargy, slower mental processes or depression
* Reduced heart rate* Increased sensitivity to cold
* Tingling or numbness in the hands
* Development of a goiter (an enlargement in your neck)* Constipation, heavy menstrual periods or dry
skinand hairI've talked to my doctor about the heart palpitations, which bother me (I mean, they're freaking heart palpitations!), and the increasing numbness and tingling in my hands, etc., but the blood tests a few years ago to check out why I was having super-irregular periods didn't show anything wrong, and everyone just thinks it's depression and obesity.
But I just feel weird when I'm typing, like I am now, and am having trouble hitting the keys because my fingers aren't *quite* responding in the way that I want them to--my muscles, especially the ones in my hands and in my lower legs, feel *exhausted* all of the time, as if I'd been using them a lot, but not pushing them hard, all the day before. It's not a soreness, really, it's just a lack of strength and--responsiveness. It's like when your computer is busy thinking and you move the mouse around and it follows the motion, but all the positions are a quarter-second behind. That's the only way I can put it that makes sense. And sometimes I go to pick up something and, once I've got it, my hand just opens up on its own, and the thing drops and breaks. It's really, really annoying. But the people I've been to can't find anything wrong and they don't seem disturbed when I tell them my symptoms.
Everyone just tells me these things will go away when I lose weight and get on antidepression meds. And maybe some of it will, but I am pretty sure antidepression meds are not causing me to drop things on the floor. I'm not sure what to do.
(no subject)
3/9/10 21:16 (UTC)____ My hair is falling out
___x_ I can't seem to remember things
__x__ I have no sex drive (this has been fluctuating wildly over the last year)
___x_ I am getting more frequent infections, that last longer
____ I'm snoring more lately
____ I have/may have sleep apnea
__x__ I feel shortness of breath and tightness in the chest
_x___ I feel the need to yawn to get oxygen
__x__ My eyes feel gritty and dry
___x_ My eyes feel sensitive to light
__x__ My eyes get jumpy/tics in eyes, which makes me dizzy/vertigo and have headaches
___x_ I have strange feelings in neck or throat
__x__ I have tinnitus (ringing in ears)
___x_ I get recurrent sinus infections
____ I have vertigo
__x__ I feel some lightheadedness
___x_ I have severe menstrual cramps
(no subject)
3/9/10 21:19 (UTC)_x_ decreased sweating
_x_ Decreased sense of taste and smell (anosmia)
I thought it was just allergy pills making me be able to smell less. But that didn't explain how I could walk 3 miles in 92-degree heat and not actually break out in a sweat, which Rachel and I both found weird.
_x_ Social Anxiety
_x_ Bad breath
_x_ feeling a choking feeling in throat
(no subject)
7/9/10 03:53 (UTC)Your wings and tail are manifesting. They're clearing out damage and unwanted energies, and this means they'll dump these energies through whatever channels are available; also, wings tend to link with arms, and tail with legs, apparently due to the shape of the internal "homonculus" brain-map of sensorimotor structures, so these body parts will receive sensations actually coming from the non-physical body parts. This likely explains why your hand will spasm: the wing is twitching. Also, the mis-mapping could easily explain why your fingers aren't hitting the correct keys.
Has your lower spine been sore recently, particularly at or just below the waist? That would be a sign that the tail is clearing damage; same for your back about half a hand-width below the shoulder blades, that being wings clearing out crud. This can affect your posture, causing a hunched over body due to soreness, which will affect your breathing due to a reduced lung and diaphragm expansion, and thus reduce the circulation of oxygen and fresh energies throughout your body.
Make sure you take a walk every day or so, just so you're moving in an upright position instead of sitting in a crouch. Seek more natural settings, as experiences with nature will tend to heal and vitalize. Remind yourself to sit up, and to breathe deeply, despite the pain, as this will help the unwanted stuff to clear more quickly and also bring in more fresh and vital material to supply you.
Keep posting this stuff, even if it's just to figure out for yourself what's going on. Any habit of self-expression will help to heal your voice; and any habit of self-exploration will help to heal your identity. I'm sure you know enough to break out of your habits now and then, to look around for new ways to do things.
I have more advice, but that's up to you.
(no subject)
7/9/10 17:05 (UTC)What everyone else said, but also...
3/9/10 18:20 (UTC)Even if you take a full-time job now, you can still quit after a year or two or five, when things have stabilized a bit.
Re: What everyone else said, but also...
3/9/10 20:22 (UTC)However, there was a delay in unpacking my studio due to a failure in my ability to feel emotionally comfortable and safe in claiming my space in the new home (since two weeks after I got there I was told that she didn't want me to be there and wasn't sure if she wanted to marry me, so I saw no point in unpacking my studio to claim space only to be kicked out of it). Then, after my medical complications, Rachel and I saw things differently and agreed to work on our relationship together, which allowed us to come to an agreement that I would live in Indiana in the new place until December, at which point we would revisit our house-sharing agreement and our relationship, and if she or I was not comfortable at that point, that we would move to option 2 (where I would move out and get an apartment elsewhere in Indiana, but we would still continue working on our relationship, and I would still be able to persue my interests at IU and in Indiana in general). After that agreement was reached, I felt comfortable and safe claiming the new home as my space, so I began unpacking and began doing a lot more art.
Further medical complications with mystery hives (coupled with some stress that I felt about Rachel's intense friendship with a person who I liked--but implied to Rachel that I was not trustworthy, just as our friendship was beginning to, I thought, grow, and just as Rachel and I were beginning to trust each other again, and just as I was trying to trust myself to start a new business venture), made me stressed, but I was excited about my art.
But when I expressed this stress to Rachel, she saw it as part of the larger pattern of dissatisfaction with my life and complaints about doing things with my hands instead of doing art, complaints that were in large part caused by the memory issues, and told me that I was not trustworthy, and scuttled all the committments we'd made. I think I was acting irrationally, but I also think that I was reacting to some of the quickly-changing, constantly-reversing decisions she made, too.
I have lost my studio space, and I have lost my home. I have also lost a lot of the self-confidence that I was working so hard on building this summer. My first priorities are to get a home for myself and adequate medical care for the problems I am having. This will take a large outlay of cash, which, as I am unemployed, I do not have. I have always ended up getting jobs which cover my essentials, but do not leave me much left over for things like vacations. I do not see how I will be able to get a job, in this economy, which I enjoy, and be able to save up money while still paying for an apartment of my own and my utilities and other necessary things like food. I've tried to save up, but several thousand dollars of my savings, about two years' worth, were just blown through several months ago when I needed medical care. Most of the money I still have left is going to go toward food, medical care, transportation back to Indiana, and housing, in that order. I am pretty sure that moving back to Indiana will go through most of the rest of my money, but I know that staying in Boston will go through it faster. When I start a job, I will be lucky if I can afford rent.
(no subject)
3/9/10 20:30 (UTC)Agreed with everyone else on the doctor thing. I spent most of my MIT career thinking I was somehow getting dumber, because of memory and concentration problems bad enough that I almost failed out. It turned out that I had sleep disorders - I spent four years of my life without going into the deepest stage of sleep or being able to sustain any deep sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. I went on a medication, and the memory and concentration problems largely went away.
(no subject)
4/9/10 17:28 (UTC)Also, consider lyme disease. I have a friend who had odd neurological issues that ultimately were long-term effects of an untreated lyme infection.
I think in your position I would be worrying about money and a job with health insurance first, and one that pays enough to get an apartment, and then worry about art and writing and all that second. Hierarchy of needs, yanno? Got to be healthy, got to be fed, got to have a place to sleep first. And if writing or arting doesn't work right now or even in the next five years, doesn't mean it won't work in ten years, so don't give up forever.
But for now? job. apartment, health insurance. Doctordoctordoctor.
(no subject)
4/9/10 22:35 (UTC)I took this position for the last 5 years, thinking I could get to art later when I had money and time and energy, and having a full time job never gave me those things, and took other things away from me, and it eventually got me here. My hierarchy of needs is not yours.
I'm not angry at you or others for suggesting that there is a hierarchy of needs, but I am angry at you and others for ignoring what I already said about how I've tried that approach and I know that it didn't seem to work for me. I thought I could do this, and worked from 2005-2010 in jobs that I thought would let me do this, and it didn't happen...I don't want to squander another half-decade of my life pretending like I'm going to write a novel, but knowing full well it's not going to happen because I've got no time or energy.
(no subject)
4/9/10 21:30 (UTC)That said, don't give up hope on the creativity. First of all, there's no reason to believe, at this stage, that any loss of critical faculties is permanent. There's every chance that a change in circumstances (and possibly some medical treatment) will help restore them.
Secondly (and please forgive me for bringing it up if you've already tried this), full-time work doesn't have to preclude being creative. Although picking and choosing jobs isn't easy at the moment, there are still some that have a fair bit of downtime -- receptionist, tech support and probably a few others I can't think of at the moment.
Even if the computer systems at the workplace are locked down, you can still take a notepad into the office and jot down poems, song lyrics, snatches of dialogue... anything that will help you to regain confidence in your ability to produce works of art. You don't have to sketch out the entire plot for a five-novel saga; just jot down whatever comes to mind.
(The sort of thing I have in mind, although there's certainly no reason your output needs to be anything like it, is similar to these fiction vignettes.
*hug* Hang in there. Those of us reading your journal will continue to try and help if you need us to, I'm sure!
(no subject)
4/9/10 22:43 (UTC)I thought I could do this, and worked from 2005-2010 in jobs that I thought would let me do this, and it didn't happen...I don't want to squander another half-decade of my life pretending like I'm going to write a novel, but knowing full well it's not going to happen because I've got no time or energy.
But for me, I found that believing that full time-work did not preclude creativity meant that I was slow to recognize that for me, full-time work did preclude creativity. I've tried the bringing the notebook to work tactic, but for me, the problem comes after I get home--I'm too exhausted from interacting with people all day that I end up with notebooks and notebooks full of ideas that sit there for years, and when it's 8 pm and dinner and laundry are done, I simply don't have the energy to start in on another two to five hours of intense work a night.
I mean, I've tried that route, folks. I said it, right there. And I know from my own experience that I'm just going to sit there at a desk and think about the novel I want to be writing, and won't actually do it after I get home from work because I will be too hosed. All the wishful thinking in the world that it was otherwise wouldn't work, and I know that because I thought a lot of wishful thinking during that time, too.
(no subject)
5/9/10 01:37 (UTC)Might a job that was not people-facing leave you with more energy at the end of the day? Something data-facing or object-facing? (As an introvert, people and especially strangers are exhausting for me. Stuff isn't.)
(no subject)
5/9/10 09:14 (UTC)For what it's worth, I still think medical insurance is the important thing at the moment. As others have suggested, you can always go part-time later and pick up the creative work then. Hope that's of some help, after being so initially irritating.
(no subject)
7/9/10 17:02 (UTC)(no subject)
26/1/11 02:14 (UTC)