Well, that Could've Gone Better

[eredien]

Talked to my parents this weekend about me and raxvulpine.
My timing, granted, was not the best. But I didn't think they'd take it that badly. I had indications of ambivalence.

To sum up:
- This is an immoral lifestyle. Ethically and religiously it is wrong.
- I "shouldn't settle for girls." Because no boys have wanted to date me and I like girls too and this girl likes me too doesn't mean I should date girls.
- It is partly a choice that I am this way. Because it is possible for me to like boys, I should have chosen otherwise.
- I am not to tell my grandparents. [I wasn't really thinking about it now, but what if they stick around for another 5, 10 years? This was not phrased as a choice or request.]
- I should never have children because it's wrong to bring them into that kind of lifestyle.
- My friends and my college were/are safe environments for this and I don't know what I've gotten myself into; I have not thought through the social consequences. [I read the paper and follow the news; I see the people getting beat up every other week--and this in Massachusetts! Do they think I'm oblivious to a topic which concerns me so much?]
- You can have strong feelings for a girl but those aren't really love.
- I will have a hard life and be totally ostracized.
- This has left us "questioning our parenting skills."
- My parents were worried about my living in the Congery [nee Gerbilhouse] because I might have caught a cold living among so many people but I "can catch things other than colds," too [aka, 'your friends turned you gay!']
- I should lose weight [true, but with the subtext "then you will feel better about yourself and look more attractive and boys will start to like you and hit on you and you'll date them instead and magically stop loving this girl."]

So. Further news as things progress.

Comments

[batshua]

I'm so sorry.

*hugs*

Uhm, they didn't disown you? So that's something. They might come around.

(By the way, did that package ever arrive?)

[eredien]

Yes, the package arrived; it was adorable and is now sitting on my bookshelf. Thank you!

[batshua]

Again, meh about the bad news, and I'm sorry I was so dumbstruck initially that I could not appropriately offer comfort. Suffice to say that I hope things improve. And maybe shiny pretty things can occasionally lift your mood.

One thing to remember. This is your life, not theirs, and you have the right to be happy. Don't let anyone try to take that away from you.

[aurelia-star.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness! *pets you*

Like batshua said, at least they didn't disown you.

*hugs*

If you need to talk, hon, I'm totally here for you! *offers chocolate and tea*

~Emily

[jcfiala.livejournal.com]

Wow. Harsh stuff. Still, they didn't set you on fire, or throw you out of the family, but on the other hand, not exactly the most accepting of responses.

Ah, well. I hope things improve, and congrats on having the courage to come out to your parents.

[daisho.livejournal.com]

This has left us "questioning our parenting skills."

It is not this discussion, I feel, that should have elicited that questioning; rather, why they cannot see their way clear to supporting their daughter. :/ As for your grandparents, I'd say it's between you and them; your parents do not have a right to influence your decision on whether or not to share the news with others.

[homasse.livejournal.com]

Ahh, family.

*hugs*

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear.

On the positive side... You have a girlfriend! Yay! Presumably you like each other! Yay!

[fiddledragon.livejournal.com]

Ouch! *manyhugs* Let me know if I can help in any way.

[plh16.livejournal.com]

OMG I'm sorry.

*HUGS* That's harsh.

[copperwolf.livejournal.com]

It's interesting how a couple of those reactions echo things said by other parents in response to other ideas by their children. Specifically, my mother forbid me to tell my grandparents about when I was on academic suspension, and also about the fact that I'm cohabitating (or was until lately). And when my friend told her mother she was considering donating her eggs, one of her mother's reactions was, "no one but you will understand that child," or in other words, "you are too weird to inflict your offspring on someone else."

Parents' opinions can matter a lot, even when you know they're being unreasonable. Best wishes to you and raxvulpine. Take care.

[prisminawindow.livejournal.com]

Ouch. I'm sorry. *Hugs*

[delcan.livejournal.com]

*sighs* Parents can be morons. Only it hurts more, because... well, they're your parents.

Don't give up hope. Their first reaction tends to be one of shock. Give them a little time, and things might... well, they're not magically going to get better, but things might ease off into background tension.

[fangtsu.livejournal.com]

Much with the ouch there. One would hope they'd be more supportive. That's a real blow the way they tried to dictate how your should feel.

[gallian.livejournal.com]

ouchie. *hugs*

we are still on for saturday dinner, yes?

with or without significant others?

gallian

[eredien]

Do you want to have significant others? Anyway, we're still on! :) Let me ask rax...she says she can come! Do they do salad stuff too?

[gallian.livejournal.com]

they do yummy salads.

the boy says he'll appear when he gets off work.

so dinner and count duckula with signifigant others it is!

see you on saturday.

gallian.

[nucl3arsnke.livejournal.com]

::hugs and sympathy::

Many of those things have been said to many other lesbian (and especially bi) women coming out to family and/or friends. You are in a long, proud line of women who make their own choices, and don't lead lives of too much deception with their family. Go you.

And in living so honestly, you will continue to break down stereotypes of what a queer person looks like, how she behaves, how she loves, etc...

I know it's all just so many pretty words right now, and I hurt for you, too. But I also think you rock for your strength and honesty and love.

[koshiii.livejournal.com]

Your parents are freaks. But then, we all have our family issues, I guess....

[mithent.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear that. I've not been through it myself, but I expect I'll get a similar response whenever it might become necessary to reveal such things to my parents - they won't even give me the freedom of meeting people I've met on the Internet, and that would be a much bigger thing. I especially wonder about the third.

I hope things get better over time. I have to wonder whether parents think that you, now, will change - rather than revealing something which was always there.

[wherdragon.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. : ( Mrrrr.

[sovay]

I'm completely in the wrong state to give you (and raxvulpine, if she'll accept them from a total stranger) hugs, but they're there on tap anyway. Gah.

[gwynbones.livejournal.com]

Having been someone who's had to do the coming out speech twice now (once for bisexuality, once for being polyamorous) and having seen a lot of other people do it: the first reaction tends to be extreme. Parents are faced with information they probably did not expect to receive about their kids, and they have no time to think out a reaction, even if they are the supportive types. Not knowing your folks, obviously, I don't know, but in my experience if you've got folks who genuinely love and care for you, they come around. Sometimes it takes awhile (my mother-in-law took about six or seven years to really become okay with the idea that her son had a husband AND a wife), but seeing you happy and in a stable relationship can go a long way to helping that, I think. A lot of the reaction may be about fear that something bad is going to happen to their daughter (that you're settling and can't really be happy, that you'll get beat up or killed, etc.), and fear makes people say mean and sometimes stupid things. *hugs*

[baaaaaaaaaah.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[esgalaith.livejournal.com]

You know, point number one is still valid, even if the rest is crap.

Sorry to be the evil, but I suppose it's to be expected of me. Still, love you lots, don't doubt it!

[eredien]

It's ok; it's what you think and you understand the rest of it.

I'd be interested in chatting about this more over email as it's something I think about often. :)

Please hug everyone down at the house for me and tell Kass I said hi!

[esgalaith.livejournal.com]

Cool beans, fire away (you have the addy).

Kass & co say hi and hugs in return.

[breimh.livejournal.com]

Most parents react in such a way because they're own thoughts, ideals and presumtions take precidence as to how the child will grow and live their lives. They forget that the child will become their own person, have their own ideals and beliefs, be influenced by others than the family; and thus they forget that when a child grows up, that child won't live to do what the parent has determined for them. This is always a shock for any parent, and thus why most act (or rather react) in the way they do.

I don't condone your parents words to you. I don't condone their stance. But I do try to seek understanding, and share it with you, so you might in turn find some form of harmony and acceptance of them, even if they aren't able to do so with you.

Just remember that I'm here for you (as are many others who've already spoken) and accept and love you for who you are. Whether I agree with any of the decisions you make or not, I won't judge you or cast aside your feelings, beliefs or ideals so out of hand. If you have need to talk, or a shoulder to lean on, just know I'm always willing to be there for you... your "Breimh-dad"... I love you, and am proud of the wonderful, thoughtful and very couragous individual you've grown to become.

[cold-in-august.livejournal.com]

hey. it's ami. i don't know what to say beyond:

1) hello again.
2) sorry i was a crazy douchebage for the past 6 years.
3) i'm glad you've found happiness in the queer life.
4) i hope your parents recognize that someday.



re: #2, i can understand if you don't exactly want to forge a friendship with me now, but i got the word that you were dating a girl and....i guess i just wanted to offer support. and thanks for calling me when my mom died. i wasn't in a place to talk at that time, but i got the message that you cared. thanks for that.

re: #3 &4: you can always blame me and say i turned you gay in kindergarten!!!!

[eredien]

...

...

I don't know what to say right now.

I will go finish making cookies and talk to my girlfriend.

[emerald-scales.livejournal.com]

Probably heard or thought this already, but they did place you in a all-girl school, eh?
For another, have you had much chance to explore that part of yourself? In a world that is going through change it is difficult for many to accept what this means.

Look at me. I was 34 before my began coming out of the closet. I haven't had to go through what you and many others like you will have to go through. At the same time I feel I can also understand both sides of the matter as I have been somewhat on both sides of the fence.

There are those who will listen should you wish to talk.

[eredien]

Hey Digi. To clarify: they didn't place me in the all-girls' school. I chose to go there.

Thanks for letting me know you care.

[kaypendragon.livejournal.com]

I am sorry for your parents. It's sad that they can't accept you for you.

Send me your address. I need to send you a thank you card, still!

[lotusbiosm.livejournal.com]

I'm commenting here mostly for the benefit of those who have not spent the night at your house and ridden in the car with your mother for multiple hours, as I have, since we have had this conversation.
Your parents love you. They want what is best for you and for you to be happy. However, your parents do not understand you, and do not know what is best for you or what will truly make you happy. They think that they do, because they are parents, and for so long it has been their responsibility to make those choices. But they are not you, and what would and does make your mother happy is not what would or does make you happy. Your mother is a pep rally and football game and frat party kind of girl. You are not. Your father? Well, sometimes I think he's just confounded by women in general, but he means well.
I wonder if this is just the most recent of many things that makes them feel that they do not understand this child of theirs at all. Feeling as though you raised a stranger can't be fun.
In a world where we could choose, you would never have ended up with your parents. Sometimes it is hard to see how they produced you.
On Sunday I shall light a candle for your family before service. Maybe with time, they will come to accept you for you, all of you, not just this last part.
In the meantime: your parents love you, I love you, your friends love you, and God loves you.

[raki.livejournal.com]

So basically "we are bigoted fools, shut up and fuck boys like you're supposed to, you never had a say in your own sexuality"?

Gah!

[aneslin.livejournal.com]

I don't mean to sound callous, but
HAHAHAHAHAHA
lets look at this point by point
1. the biblical phrase about the whole "teh gay thing" states that a man shall not lie with a man as with a woman. Relgiously, you get off scott free

I settle for girls. just because no men will date me, doesn't mean I should try men (their logic in reverse, doesn't hold)

You CAUGHT TEH GAY FROM YOUR FRIENDS! If I were to hang out with black people, would I turn black?

How often do you question your parents parenting skills

you should never have children- I can see that- you and two little kids be traumatized for life, not because they have two mommies, but because one of them likes to read them bedtime stories from Edward Gorey. I know you would Cassandra

I seem to remember both of us being ostracized during some of elementary school and most of highschool. Didn't really bother either of us then.

hehe
-Aaron, lord of partial darkness

[lotusbiosm.livejournal.com]

She would totally read them Edward Gorey.
And I also made the point that no where in the Bible does it state that God has any problem with hot lesbian sex. Most Rabbis agree. However, that's not generally what you want to say to your father.

[thoughtsdriftby.livejournal.com]

Hopefully this will have been the hard part and will tone down over time. Likely they'll bring out the wanting grandchildren with a real father later to shovel in some guilt. Best just to be true to yourself. Overall that hurts less. It's just hard sometimes.

And no you won't be "totally ostracized". Maybe in their small circle, but you are old enough now to not spend all your time trying to please your parents friends. Your life isn't their dinner party anymore.

Just know there's some cheering from the distance wishing you happiness.