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eredienThis is a vent.
I called Bree today. It is her birthday. She sounded awful. Not like Bree, even. Sei, you know that subtle personality shift you noticed in me about halfway through this year, where I started apologizing for stuff? Like that, as best I could tell. Except Bree.
I am going to try to talk to her this weekend in person.
Or, rather, I was.
See, I had these plans. I was going to NYC, right? To see Gaudior and Rush-that-Speaks? Well, their plans changed. We decided that me coming down to visit them for only this Sunday was silly, especially after their spending four days with relatives, and Gaudior working overnight. And so we decided we would figure out what to do later. The conversation with Gaudior (and Rush-that-Speaks, by proxy) was good. We laughed and discussed much plot.
This left me with no reasonable excuse to tell my parents, when they called half an hour after, why they couldn't come down to see me. There is no good way for me to tell my parents, "don't come. I don't want to see you now. I was going to relax and try to talk to Bree and make an anime video at the computer lab. Your coming to visit me now is the least relaxing thing I could possibly think of."
Eating dinner with my parents is like making small talk at a cocktail party that you don't want to be at with people that you haven't really met for years when you aren't really sure if you can remember their names. When one is wearing uncomfortable shoes.
They heard about my best friend's (E's) uncle who died and Jen's dad who died, and I told them not to call E's house, like last time, because her dad wasn't comfortable with that kind of thing. And my mom said that condolences shouldn't be a problem, and I just sighed and knew that she was going to call anyway; so I couldn't do anything to stop her. So. And I told them I was stressed - look, I told them something that I was feeling! Gasp! I must actually be upset!
My mom said, "well dear, I understand that you feel for your friends. But it's not really impacting you directly, right?"
No, mom. It's not. Nothing that happens to these people closer to my heart than you hurts me. The fact that I am closer to these people than you, despite my best-worst efforts, doesn't hurt me. The fact that you obviously don't care about things that are important to me and don't understand me one bit doesn't hurt me. The fact that you advised me this winter to maybe stop writing a little, to get less involved in what I love, doesn't hurt me. The fact that I have felt distant and/or ambivalent from God for over a year doesn't really hurt me. The fact that I am a lazy-ass who gradually and confusingly doesn't seem to care enough about any of this God-stuff anymore to do something about it doesn't hurt me.
Nothing hurts me, really. I'm a happy person. See me smile.
A note about direct impacts: do you have to step on the land-mine before the medics notice you and carry you off? Or do they just assume the fragments stuck in your soul are okay?
*sigh*
Everything does balance out. Everything in my life thus far has taught me that. It's just that it's been out of balance for so long now - and just when I thought that maybe, things had finally balanced, the entire mobile fell apart.
I called Bree today. It is her birthday. She sounded awful. Not like Bree, even. Sei, you know that subtle personality shift you noticed in me about halfway through this year, where I started apologizing for stuff? Like that, as best I could tell. Except Bree.
I am going to try to talk to her this weekend in person.
Or, rather, I was.
See, I had these plans. I was going to NYC, right? To see Gaudior and Rush-that-Speaks? Well, their plans changed. We decided that me coming down to visit them for only this Sunday was silly, especially after their spending four days with relatives, and Gaudior working overnight. And so we decided we would figure out what to do later. The conversation with Gaudior (and Rush-that-Speaks, by proxy) was good. We laughed and discussed much plot.
This left me with no reasonable excuse to tell my parents, when they called half an hour after, why they couldn't come down to see me. There is no good way for me to tell my parents, "don't come. I don't want to see you now. I was going to relax and try to talk to Bree and make an anime video at the computer lab. Your coming to visit me now is the least relaxing thing I could possibly think of."
Eating dinner with my parents is like making small talk at a cocktail party that you don't want to be at with people that you haven't really met for years when you aren't really sure if you can remember their names. When one is wearing uncomfortable shoes.
They heard about my best friend's (E's) uncle who died and Jen's dad who died, and I told them not to call E's house, like last time, because her dad wasn't comfortable with that kind of thing. And my mom said that condolences shouldn't be a problem, and I just sighed and knew that she was going to call anyway; so I couldn't do anything to stop her. So. And I told them I was stressed - look, I told them something that I was feeling! Gasp! I must actually be upset!
My mom said, "well dear, I understand that you feel for your friends. But it's not really impacting you directly, right?"
No, mom. It's not. Nothing that happens to these people closer to my heart than you hurts me. The fact that I am closer to these people than you, despite my best-worst efforts, doesn't hurt me. The fact that you obviously don't care about things that are important to me and don't understand me one bit doesn't hurt me. The fact that you advised me this winter to maybe stop writing a little, to get less involved in what I love, doesn't hurt me. The fact that I have felt distant and/or ambivalent from God for over a year doesn't really hurt me. The fact that I am a lazy-ass who gradually and confusingly doesn't seem to care enough about any of this God-stuff anymore to do something about it doesn't hurt me.
Nothing hurts me, really. I'm a happy person. See me smile.
A note about direct impacts: do you have to step on the land-mine before the medics notice you and carry you off? Or do they just assume the fragments stuck in your soul are okay?
*sigh*
Everything does balance out. Everything in my life thus far has taught me that. It's just that it's been out of balance for so long now - and just when I thought that maybe, things had finally balanced, the entire mobile fell apart.
Re: In my experience . . .
3/7/02 08:13 (UTC):-)
-D.