Nice People

[eredien]

My dad and I got into a fight today because he didn't respect my opinion about something and then later tried to shush me loudly and rudely when I tried talking to him about why I was upset, and my mother has a totally racist 'funny' work forward printed out and sitting on our kitchen table that I am trying to figure out how to confront her about, but those are not the only things that have me thinking, "something's badly wrong here, in this place."

My mom and I just came back from the Muppet movie--I'd been wanting to go, so she took me. It was pretty fun (I am really looking forward to the Studio Ghibli adaptation of the Borrowers, which was like my favorite book in 3rd grade!) until we got to the parking lot after the movie, at which point a panhandler walked up to our car. My mom rolled down the window a crack, and the woman asked, "look, are you nice people?" My mom repeated the question sarcastically--"are we nice people?"--rolled the window up, said, "I guess not," and drove away.

I sat in absolute stunned silence all the way home while my mom made the following comments:
- "See, those other people next to us didn't help her either."
- "There was this guy in front of my office who used the 'I need help' spiel on me and my coworkers without realizing he'd said it before, and when he'd used it before we'd given him help and places to go and he went there for a while and then was back in the same spot using the same old story a month later."

We paused in the parking lot of my parents' home:
- "I want you to know, [Eredien], that if she had really needed help I would have helped her."

I interjected at that point, saying, "how do you know what she needed? You didn't even listen to her."

My mother: "If you really need help you don't go up to people and ask if they're 'nice people.' You go up to people and say, 'I need help.'"

I don't always give to panhandlers. I didn't tonight because I didn't have my wallet on me, and I haven't been giving lately because I'm deep in debt and need to save my money to get out of the spot I'm in. But there's a difference, a big one, between listening for a few moments and going, "sorry, I can't help you today," and meaning it, and saying, "well, I'm not a nice person!" But I wish I had my wallet tonight.

I am baffled, and hurt, and angry, and shocked, and deeply saddened. I am also angry that I'm angry, and baffled that I'm baffled--what the hell else did I expect? Must I truly grow a tougher skin again and pretend like everything that offends or upsets me doesn't matter just so I can live in this place without daily screaming fights?

Comments

[thoughtsdriftby.livejournal.com]

My father was more the: Me eldest male, my house so I'm right(even when he was dead wrong). It's a basic testosterone poisoning problem amplified by male-think propaganda.

As for the many years of past comments, it does seem it was to be expected. Likely you had hopes it wouldn't be in your face so quickly. It is ok to feel offended, but it would serve you better to not feel such obligation at fixing who and what they are. I do know it is difficult at drawing the line at disappointment and not be baited into a screaming match. Knowing each other enough to know exactly how to push for maximum disaster. Them winning in their minds with the "see how unreasonable our daughter is" moments, turning the clock back mentally to teenager.

I can only suggest to not play their game or by their rules, knowing no true solution to the overall problem that would be ideal. Just thinking how best for your to protect yourself without feeling a need for fighting them. It's not a tougher skin but a realization that only you can disturb your inner peace. Just that they know how to help you hurt that peace.

Meanwhile: seek work, save money, and then start seeking employment elsewhere (or at the very least different housing). Fixing them is in no way your primary goal.