Hi.

[eredien]

Well. Life is slightly more back to normal.

I've finished a reading for my cities class (yay!), watched in two hours more television than in the whole past semester, and went to my sister's German Dancing night at the cultural club for Local German People. It was fun, and she dragged me up to dance in some dance where I got dizzy.

My mood was slightly improved by the party on Saturday where I almost got to watch part of Nadesco, and where I sat and talked and played foosball.

My mood was not improved by Sunday, where I managed to blow a committment I'd made to a friend of mine completely off because "I just didn't feel like bowling," a lame excuse for not going to chat at the bowling place when I said I would if I ever heard one.

And then had my best friend come over where she listened to my dad nagging at my sister to do homework, and watched some actor's guild awards, where I heard a great speech about what actors (and by default, writers) do, and then managed to wierd out my friend by, I think, talking at her instead of with her - because I wasn't sure what to talk about anymore, the "how" became a problem. And I felt like an idiot for that, and worse, I am scared that we're growing apart - already - and that soon we're just going to be polite friendly acquaintances. I don't think I could stand that, and I wonder if I'm holding too tightly through fear of letting go.

I realized that I have an absolute terror of losing anyone close to me, and therefore I think I make them upset when I realize this and proceed to attach myself too much onto people. People who read this: if I ever start to cling onto you, please kick me upside the head and remind me that I told you you could do it.

And I wonder if this "I don't really know you anymore" process will eventually happen with everyone I know, which is a terrifying thought which I really should think about but am carefully going to push to the back of my brain instead.

I had a freaky dream about Sharon Rose and I getting bussed to a concentration camp. How hopeful. And then I got up and took the cat to the vet's and looked for jobs.

The cat is fine, and today I am going to go out and actually appear in person at places and fill out more applications, if my dad ever comes back with the car. Oh, here he is now. Breakfast should be in order.

Comments

a kick in the head

[weirdquark]

Will do.

I do the same thing sometimes. It depends on why we grow apart -- I've lost several friends because we no longer have anything in common and this is okay. I have other friends that I just lost and never was sure why. Like my best friend from elementary school drifted apart in junior high because I thought her new friends were shallow and they thought I was a nerd. So we stopped hanging out and although I doubt we'd have anything to say to each other now, it's still a little sad. She's in Boston, actually. I assume both of us know this since our parents are friends and talk and go to the theater.
One of the sad facts of my life is that my mother knows various mothers of friends/acquantances of mine and I keep hearing about them through the mom-o-phone. But at least I get to hear about people I'm vaguely interested in.
Keeping in touch with long distance highschool people can be hard. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. By the end of high school I didn't really have anyone I was best friends with and so went to college without anyone to keep in touch with. This made vacations rather depressing, mostly because it bothered my mother that I didn't go out. Silly mothers. Ah well. Now that I've moved out I don't need to worry about such things.

Re: a kick in the head

[eredien]

My mother keeps giving me the "why don't you get back in touch with friend x" speech. I can't really turn around and say to her, "well, because she not only willfully destroyed me emotionally over a period of years, but you, if you will recall, got to the point where you didn't like having her come and visit anymore," but I really can't.

this "I don't really know you anymore" process

[gaudior.livejournal.com]

is a damn strange thing. I've noticed that I'm almost entirely out-of-touch with everyone I ever went to high school with except Sarah (who just came for a visit). Which is disquieting, until I remember my requirements for a friend in high school; they had to be willing to talk to me. Or at least be in the same place I was. I mean, I had fun with them and all, and we were there for each other in times of crisis, but that seemed to be more a "look, we're people with some somewhat similar tastes, and we're all alive" thing than what I, having been to college and met people I love and consider family and probably will until the day I die, now consider good friendship. So seeing them again is always odd.

I think, though, I've come to a redefinition which makes it easier. A friend is someone who likes me, who I like. Not necessarily someone I've known for a long time, or someone who liked me before I changed and grew, or someone who I liked before s/he changed and grew, or someone I used to spend a lot of time with. I've taken a very now-centered view of it. If we enjoy each other's company now, great, no need to worry about behaving exactly the way we used to. If not, I'll see a person for old time's and politeness' sake, but I'm not going to seek them out for any reason other than to see whether I like them this time better than I did last time I saw them. I'll be sad, maybe, at the loss, but there's not much point in trying to insist that we, now different people than we were, have exactly the same relationship we did before. Of course, I like to start from the assumption that if I used to like a person, s/he still has those qualities I liked, and new ones I'll also like-- but if that's not true, it's not. And I may well like him/her better later when we've changed again-- but I don't think it's worth clinging to having exactly the same relationship with a person as I had previously just because it used to be there. That makes things pall and suck.

Mind you, this is all easy to SAY...

--R

Re: this "I don't really know you anymore" process

[weirdquark]

relationships in the theoretical tend to be easier -- not having to do with real people and all. When I was in high school I would have imaginary conversations with the people I had crushes on. I never really wanted to date most of them because I knew the real conversations we might have would have nothing to do with what I discussed with them in my head. Of course I had the added bonus of not being comfortable talking to people I didn't know well and most of the people I had crushes on weren't the type to put me at my ease.

I'm not entirely sure if I am now more comfortable talking to people or if I just know more people that are good at making people they don't know well feel comfortable.

Alternatively, the majority of my friends could just be types that never shut up and therefore the fact that I am quiet goes unnoticed.

Re: this "I don't really know you anymore" process

[eredien]

Probably both. To be honest about it. I know I used to think I could get along fine not talking to people, until I started meeting people I really wanted to talk to.

Re: this "I don't really know you anymore" process

[eredien]

I think I just have a lot of trouble letting go and realizing when something has changed past the point where I should have let go long before.