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Iron Wrist Chef!
3/10/07 20:15Cheesy theme music with synth brass and a painfully neon low-budget-CGI montage of chef's hats and produce introduce our show.
A perky harajuku goth chick with an artfully lacy shirt reading "What? Let us live our lives. Gentle blossom." introduces our theme: the calzone.
Harajuku: "The calzone is a delicious bread with a long history and a little Italian flair!" She poses next to a voiceover video clip of Americans ordering calzones at a pizza parlor in New York and a chef cooking a calzone in Italy, and comments on their fashion sense. "It is a tasty and easy-to-make layered bread treat. Now, let's meet our contestants!" Her hair, fashioned into many tiny ponytails, gives a disconcerting wave effect as she turns.
The next announcer is a businessman with big fluffy dog ears.
"Contestant number one is a stenographer from China!" She looks somewhat sweet but also rather like she has not slept for a week, and is trying to smile but instead looks as if she is discreetly trying to eject a cherry stone from her mouth.
"Contestant number two is from America and works the rotisserie at his family's Bar-B-Que business!" He's a scrawny kid not more than 17 who is wearing a garish shirt reading "DAVE'S PORK SHAK! It's the BEST!!" on the rear end of a spitted pig whose front half is giving a thumbs-up. Otherwise, he's really rather cute.
"And...number three is a data entry clerk from Russia!" The amount of hairspray used by this woman for her television appearance was later found to be a major cause of the formation of the ozone hole over Antarctica.
Tiny stainless-steel carts and port-a-ovens are wheeled out from behind the scenes. The carts are loaded with any calzone ingredient one could want: tomatoes, sausage, chicken, spices, cheeses. It looks delicious.
All the contestants eye the tiny bowls of fresh ingredients longingly.
Harajuku: "Ah! I almost forgot!" There is a 'bing,' and a garish CGI lightbulb pops on over her head. "Here's the catch--none of our contestants can use their hands, thanks to their Repetitive Stress Injuries! We'll give them 24 hours to make a calzone, and whoever comes closest will win our grand prize!"
24 hours later--
Businesspooch: "Let's take a look!"
Harajuku: "Ooh, it looks like contestant two was disqualified at about 2 am!" The video clip plays, showing the young man trying to eat out of the bowls without holding them or picking up any utensils; he is suprisingly dainty until his attempt to eat capers through a straw. In the background, those in the studio audience who are still awake boo. "Seems as if he hadn't been able to hold a fork for several days and was getting pretty peckish!"
Businesspooch: "Our Russian friend is now attempting to open the oven with her feet! Let's take a look!" The video blinks "live!" in the corner of the screen; the woman is attempting to open the oven with her toes but can't get a good grip on the handle.
Harajuku: "Ooh, nice pedicure! Cherry red!"
Businesspooch: "Oh, it looks like something's happening! Oh---it's opening--"
The Russian woman's creation is displayed. It is a charred lump of dough; sausages and broccoli stick up in a kind of spine over its highest point. Cheese is draped over the sausages and has melted down onto the pan, where it has gathered in an oily pool. It looks not only inedible but slightly obscene.
Harajuku: "Not bad, not bad at all. And some nice acrobatics."
Businesspooch, as he turns to view the slow-motion clip of contestant three which has been playing behind him: "Oh, wow!"
The Chinese woman's creation is displayed with a fifteen-second slow-motion making-of video. She headbutts the dough, leaving a large hole in the middle, and tips various ingredients in with a spoon held between her teeth, then closes it up by rolling it with her feet.
Harajuku: "She got the ingredients *inside* the dough pocket! Amazing!"
Businesspooch: "Unfortunately, she still hasn't figured out how to open the oven! Looks like no one's the winner here on tonight's Iron Wrist Chef: Calzone!"
Harajuku and Businesspooch shrug and walk off the stage together.
Cut to credits.
Cut to commercial for wrist braces.
End.
--
Never try to make a folded dough object of any sort when you are having RSI.
A perky harajuku goth chick with an artfully lacy shirt reading "What? Let us live our lives. Gentle blossom." introduces our theme: the calzone.
Harajuku: "The calzone is a delicious bread with a long history and a little Italian flair!" She poses next to a voiceover video clip of Americans ordering calzones at a pizza parlor in New York and a chef cooking a calzone in Italy, and comments on their fashion sense. "It is a tasty and easy-to-make layered bread treat. Now, let's meet our contestants!" Her hair, fashioned into many tiny ponytails, gives a disconcerting wave effect as she turns.
The next announcer is a businessman with big fluffy dog ears.
"Contestant number one is a stenographer from China!" She looks somewhat sweet but also rather like she has not slept for a week, and is trying to smile but instead looks as if she is discreetly trying to eject a cherry stone from her mouth.
"Contestant number two is from America and works the rotisserie at his family's Bar-B-Que business!" He's a scrawny kid not more than 17 who is wearing a garish shirt reading "DAVE'S PORK SHAK! It's the BEST!!" on the rear end of a spitted pig whose front half is giving a thumbs-up. Otherwise, he's really rather cute.
"And...number three is a data entry clerk from Russia!" The amount of hairspray used by this woman for her television appearance was later found to be a major cause of the formation of the ozone hole over Antarctica.
Tiny stainless-steel carts and port-a-ovens are wheeled out from behind the scenes. The carts are loaded with any calzone ingredient one could want: tomatoes, sausage, chicken, spices, cheeses. It looks delicious.
All the contestants eye the tiny bowls of fresh ingredients longingly.
Harajuku: "Ah! I almost forgot!" There is a 'bing,' and a garish CGI lightbulb pops on over her head. "Here's the catch--none of our contestants can use their hands, thanks to their Repetitive Stress Injuries! We'll give them 24 hours to make a calzone, and whoever comes closest will win our grand prize!"
24 hours later--
Businesspooch: "Let's take a look!"
Harajuku: "Ooh, it looks like contestant two was disqualified at about 2 am!" The video clip plays, showing the young man trying to eat out of the bowls without holding them or picking up any utensils; he is suprisingly dainty until his attempt to eat capers through a straw. In the background, those in the studio audience who are still awake boo. "Seems as if he hadn't been able to hold a fork for several days and was getting pretty peckish!"
Businesspooch: "Our Russian friend is now attempting to open the oven with her feet! Let's take a look!" The video blinks "live!" in the corner of the screen; the woman is attempting to open the oven with her toes but can't get a good grip on the handle.
Harajuku: "Ooh, nice pedicure! Cherry red!"
Businesspooch: "Oh, it looks like something's happening! Oh---it's opening--"
The Russian woman's creation is displayed. It is a charred lump of dough; sausages and broccoli stick up in a kind of spine over its highest point. Cheese is draped over the sausages and has melted down onto the pan, where it has gathered in an oily pool. It looks not only inedible but slightly obscene.
Harajuku: "Not bad, not bad at all. And some nice acrobatics."
Businesspooch, as he turns to view the slow-motion clip of contestant three which has been playing behind him: "Oh, wow!"
The Chinese woman's creation is displayed with a fifteen-second slow-motion making-of video. She headbutts the dough, leaving a large hole in the middle, and tips various ingredients in with a spoon held between her teeth, then closes it up by rolling it with her feet.
Harajuku: "She got the ingredients *inside* the dough pocket! Amazing!"
Businesspooch: "Unfortunately, she still hasn't figured out how to open the oven! Looks like no one's the winner here on tonight's Iron Wrist Chef: Calzone!"
Harajuku and Businesspooch shrug and walk off the stage together.
Cut to credits.
Cut to commercial for wrist braces.
End.
--
Never try to make a folded dough object of any sort when you are having RSI.
