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Wish They'd Named me Spot
19/12/03 14:33There's an old in-joke in my family. Some of you may have heard it before. When my parents were engaged, it was the 70's. Women's Liberation was in full swing, and those who disapproved of it were in full cry.
Thank you for calling the Ninth Circle of Hell: A Short Play in Five Acts
ACT I
The scene opens on a Fancy Resturant. My Mother, Father, and Grandparents on my Father's Side are sitting down to dinner with two of My Grandparents' Friends, who are of the Old School. For purposes of this play they have been called The Gent and The Dame.
Gent: So I hear that you two are engaged.
Mother: Yes, we are.
Cue Candlelight, Sappy Music
Dame: So of course you'll be taking your husband's name.
Mother: Well, no, really, we were thinking of combining the two.
Dame: Really.
Sappy Music screeches to A Halt
Dame: Whatever shall you name the children?
Father: We were thinking "Spot" for the first one.
ACT II
25 Years Later. The Scene opens on a Messy Dorm Room. The Child of the Mother and Father from the previous Act is sitting in a chair, staring at the computer screen, ear pressed to phone, talking to Friend. Friend is a voiceover.
Child: So, we ought to take the GRE's together. I'll call them, register, and find out if they have any slots for next month. Then I'll call you back and tell you to register so we can go take it together.
Friend: Sounds like a good idea.
ACT III
Same Messy Dorm Room as in previous Act. The Child is still sitting in a chair, staring at the computer screen, ear pressed to phone. Now two plastic cards are in her hand, and her checkbook is balanced on her lap. The Voice on the Phone is a voiceover.
Voice: Hello, this is the GRE Testing Center.
Child: I'd like to preregister for the GRE.
Voice: Okay. Can you tell me your name?
Child, with Forboding: This will be a little tricky. It's...rather long. Do you want the name on my credit card, or driver's liscense?
Voice: Driver's liscense, first name first.
Child: Okay. [Begins to Spell out First Name, gets as far as Two Letters]
Voice: Wait, how long did you say your last name was? Let's do that first.
Child: Okay. That's [First Last Name, Unusual Punctuation, Last Last Name]. Let me spell it for you. [Begins to spell First Last Name to Voice]
Voice: Is [First Last Name] with or without [Last Letter of the First Last Name]?
Child: With.
Voice: Can you tell me how many letters are in your last name? I don't think it will all fit into the database.
Indeed, there are sounds of Sotto Voce Conversation between Voice and Voice's Boss in the Background.
Child, counting: [Number of Letters].
Voice: Okay. We now have you registered as [First two letters of First Name, First Last Name without the Last Letter of the First Last Name, Last Last Name]. We couldn't use [Unusual Punctuation] and we had to put your First Last Name without the Last Letter of your First Last Name in the First Name slot.
Child: Wait, why do you have [First two Letters of First Name] as my first name?
Voice: Wait, your middle initial is not [Second Letter of First Name]?
Child: No. That's the second letter of my First Name. Do you need my Middle Initial?
Voice: Do you have a Middle Initial?
Child: Yes. [Middle Initial] is my Middle Initial.
Voice, relieved that Middle Initial is One Letter with No Unusual Punctuation: Okay. So we now have you registered as [First letter of First Name, Middle Initial, First Last Name without the Last Letter of the First Last Name, Last Last Name]. With No Unusual Punctuation.
Child: So, is my last name [First Last Name without the Last Letter of the First Last Name, No Unusual Punctuation, Last Last Name], or [Last Last Name]?
Voice: Your last name is [Last Last Name]. Your First name is [First Letter of First Name, Middle Initial, First Last Name without the Last Letter of the First Last Name]. There is no [Unusual Punctuation].
Child: Okay.
Voice: How about your credit card?
Child: [Number of card]
Voice: Is your name spelled the same way on the credit card?
Child: Um, no. There it's spelled [Entire First Name, Middle Initial, First Last Name, No Unusual Punctuation, Last Last Name With Last Letter Cut Off]. The Last Letter of the Last Last Name wouldn't fit in their software, I guess.
Voice: Oh. Okay.
There is a Pause with Much Typing.
Voice: We now have you registered as [First Letter of First Name, Middle Initial, First Last Name without the Last Letter of the First Last Name, Last Last Name]. You should bring both your credit card and driver's liscense to the Test Center and let them know you're the one with the Name.
Child: Thank you. I will.
ACT IV
Child calls Friend.
Child: You should call the Test Center and register right now.
Friend: Okay.
Friend calls Test Center.
ACT V
Two Minutes Later, Friend calls Child Back.
Child: Did you get the slot?
Friend: Yes.
Child: That was fast. I'm going to name all my children Fred Smith.
Thank you for calling the Ninth Circle of Hell: A Short Play in Five Acts
ACT I
The scene opens on a Fancy Resturant. My Mother, Father, and Grandparents on my Father's Side are sitting down to dinner with two of My Grandparents' Friends, who are of the Old School. For purposes of this play they have been called The Gent and The Dame.
Gent: So I hear that you two are engaged.
Mother: Yes, we are.
Cue Candlelight, Sappy Music
Dame: So of course you'll be taking your husband's name.
Mother: Well, no, really, we were thinking of combining the two.
Dame: Really.
Sappy Music screeches to A Halt
Dame: Whatever shall you name the children?
Father: We were thinking "Spot" for the first one.
ACT II
25 Years Later. The Scene opens on a Messy Dorm Room. The Child of the Mother and Father from the previous Act is sitting in a chair, staring at the computer screen, ear pressed to phone, talking to Friend. Friend is a voiceover.
Child: So, we ought to take the GRE's together. I'll call them, register, and find out if they have any slots for next month. Then I'll call you back and tell you to register so we can go take it together.
Friend: Sounds like a good idea.
ACT III
Same Messy Dorm Room as in previous Act. The Child is still sitting in a chair, staring at the computer screen, ear pressed to phone. Now two plastic cards are in her hand, and her checkbook is balanced on her lap. The Voice on the Phone is a voiceover.
Voice: Hello, this is the GRE Testing Center.
Child: I'd like to preregister for the GRE.
Voice: Okay. Can you tell me your name?
Child, with Forboding: This will be a little tricky. It's...rather long. Do you want the name on my credit card, or driver's liscense?
Voice: Driver's liscense, first name first.
Child: Okay. [Begins to Spell out First Name, gets as far as Two Letters]
Voice: Wait, how long did you say your last name was? Let's do that first.
Child: Okay. That's [First Last Name, Unusual Punctuation, Last Last Name]. Let me spell it for you. [Begins to spell First Last Name to Voice]
Voice: Is [First Last Name] with or without [Last Letter of the First Last Name]?
Child: With.
Voice: Can you tell me how many letters are in your last name? I don't think it will all fit into the database.
Indeed, there are sounds of Sotto Voce Conversation between Voice and Voice's Boss in the Background.
Child, counting: [Number of Letters].
Voice: Okay. We now have you registered as [First two letters of First Name, First Last Name without the Last Letter of the First Last Name, Last Last Name]. We couldn't use [Unusual Punctuation] and we had to put your First Last Name without the Last Letter of your First Last Name in the First Name slot.
Child: Wait, why do you have [First two Letters of First Name] as my first name?
Voice: Wait, your middle initial is not [Second Letter of First Name]?
Child: No. That's the second letter of my First Name. Do you need my Middle Initial?
Voice: Do you have a Middle Initial?
Child: Yes. [Middle Initial] is my Middle Initial.
Voice, relieved that Middle Initial is One Letter with No Unusual Punctuation: Okay. So we now have you registered as [First letter of First Name, Middle Initial, First Last Name without the Last Letter of the First Last Name, Last Last Name]. With No Unusual Punctuation.
Child: So, is my last name [First Last Name without the Last Letter of the First Last Name, No Unusual Punctuation, Last Last Name], or [Last Last Name]?
Voice: Your last name is [Last Last Name]. Your First name is [First Letter of First Name, Middle Initial, First Last Name without the Last Letter of the First Last Name]. There is no [Unusual Punctuation].
Child: Okay.
Voice: How about your credit card?
Child: [Number of card]
Voice: Is your name spelled the same way on the credit card?
Child: Um, no. There it's spelled [Entire First Name, Middle Initial, First Last Name, No Unusual Punctuation, Last Last Name With Last Letter Cut Off]. The Last Letter of the Last Last Name wouldn't fit in their software, I guess.
Voice: Oh. Okay.
There is a Pause with Much Typing.
Voice: We now have you registered as [First Letter of First Name, Middle Initial, First Last Name without the Last Letter of the First Last Name, Last Last Name]. You should bring both your credit card and driver's liscense to the Test Center and let them know you're the one with the Name.
Child: Thank you. I will.
ACT IV
Child calls Friend.
Child: You should call the Test Center and register right now.
Friend: Okay.
Friend calls Test Center.
ACT V
Two Minutes Later, Friend calls Child Back.
Child: Did you get the slot?
Friend: Yes.
Child: That was fast. I'm going to name all my children Fred Smith.
