Why I am Stopping NaNoWriMo

[eredien]

1.) As my life is, I do not have enough time. I have been coming home regularly at 9 or 10 pm from a full day of work for the past two weeks. I do not then have four hours to spend an evening. It's not a matter of giving it my best effort, it's a matter of being able to give it any effort at all.

2.) I can't live with my family anymore or else I will go crazy. The urgency of finding a job in February is more important than finishing a novel this month. (Yes, you read that correctly--I did just say that getting out was more important than writing.)

- I worry a lot about small things that come out all right in the end; it is my way of seeing what obstacles I need to overcome before I can reach goals. I usually do not worry so much about something I become physically ill from the psychological effects, and generally think that level of sustained worry is very unhealthy for a person to carry about with them. Before yesterday, I only had worried myself to the point of physical illness twice; one of those time was when I told my pastor I was a dragon and was afraid I would be kicked out of church, and the other was when I told my parents the same and was afraid I would be put on medicines or sent to a psychiatrist.

Yesterday, I worried myself sick trying to talk rationally with my parents about why I should go to England over Christmas. I told them I'd saved an adequate amount of money; they wanted to know an exact dollar amount. I told them I'd be taking off Christmas instead of the entirety of November, they told me I had bad timing. I told them that when I came back, I would have about a week to pack and move before I went to Boston so keeping my job after England wouldn't be worthwhile, they urged me to take a leave of absence (which I am relatively sure my job will not grant anyway)and not drop an opportunity to go gallivanting off across the wilderness. I played the I'm Young, I'm Not Comitted to Anyone or Anything, This is a Free Ride, Do You WAnt me to Wait Until I'm 35 with Two Kids card, and they said, "this is a rash decision."

I feel guilty about going to England, as if I am doing something wrong. This in and of itself is wrong. My father mentioned I should ask the advice of someone "like a mentor, older and wiser with a little more perspective on the issue." So far, everyone I have asked has said, "that's crazy! They want you to keep working a dead end job instead of going to England for an all-expenses paid trip?" I agree, but they make me feel like I shouldn't.

When my mother was my age, she'd graduated from a party school, smoked pot, and hid strange men from the customes officers under the seats of her train car at the border crossing as she backpacked across Europe for a month.

I want to go to England.
Why have I worked this hard all my life to be responsible? If I'd set lower expencations in the beginning I wouldn't be expecting to live up to them.

- On the other hand, I doubt I would have been self-satisfied: tonight my father, mother, and I were watching a reality show, the $25 Million Hoax." Premise: Pretend to win $5, and then $25, million. In 5 days, spend all the money on yourself while acting rude to family and friends. Put yourself through a lot of thought about if this is right, and then do it anyway. At the end of that time, if you haven't spent any money on them and they all still can stand to be around you, you get $400,000 actual dollars to use however you want.

I found the premise of this show repugtant. Not only that you would lie in the first place about something that could make the life of your not-so-rich family different, but that you are also forced to trade on their love and respect for you. I watched it hoping she would give up and do the right thing and tell her family. Money is one of the least important things in life, in the end; trading your honour for it is like trading silver for dirt.

Dad: "I could do that really well."
Mom: "You would be great at that, honey."
Dad: "Do you think ypu'd want to do that?"
Me: "No." I'm offended you asked. I thought you raised me better. I guess not. I wonder where I learned it?
Dad: "What if it was a big novel contract? Would you do it then?"
Me: "No!" Not trusting myself to speak, I get up and leave. My God. Why the hell would I corrupt my gifts? Why would I want to fake the work it takes to get a real novel contract? I still wouldn't have a book at the end of it, anyway, which is really the point!

- At least they're not worrying about my sister dropping out of College of Drunken People and living at home for a semester until she manages to get her butt back to Germany to study. That's godl I was worried I'd have to mediate.

Anyway, all this is: I'm going to get out by Janruary if it kills me, because if I don't, my spirit, sense of self-confidence, and mental health will (are already in the process of being) be crushed. Not beyond the point of no return, because hope never is, but more like small amounts of hope are slowly being removed.

I'd prefer not to have to re-learn everything I learned in the last four years (eg: I can do it if I don't give up, I make my own choices and live by them, you don't always have to care what others think of you, but if you surround yourself with the right people, you ought to care what they think and listen to their advice even if you choose not to take it, surrounding yourself with things and people that make you happy is good, you have not lost the capacity to trust, people care about you) over again, but eventually if things keep on this way I'd get beaten back to the point where I'd have to start from there.

So I will be looking for a job from now until I find one. Anything really just to leave. And then I will do a novel, because what grows out of heartsickness is usually poisoned flowers.

Comments

[wayman.livejournal.com]

I feel guilty about going to England, as if I am doing something wrong. This in and of itself is wrong. My father mentioned I should ask the advice of someone "like a mentor, older and wiser with a little more perspective on the issue."

Speaking as someone older,

1) Go to England.
2) Don't feel guilty about it.
3) Don't hide strange men under the seat of your train compartment, just to be on the safe side.
4) The only reason you should consider not going to England is if there is any concern that it might delay your ability to move out.

[khava.livejournal.com]

I strongly agree, and add

5) While in England, eat only ethnic food. English does not count as an ethnicity.

[wayman.livejournal.com]

What?! Pork pies ... bangers and mash ... pigs in a blanket ... scones ... steak and kidney pies ... rump steak ... shepherd's pie ... spotted dick ... fish and chips.... Well, my tastes are perhaps a little weird. I actually like all of those. I can do without the mushy peas, though. The English concept of cooking vegetables--steam them until they're a limp green mush, such that one vegetable cannot be differentiated from another--is horrific. But the English are great with meats and pastries and meat pastries.

Definitely have a lot of curry, which is essentially the national food of England nowadays anyhow.

If you see a soda called "Irn-Bru", know that it is a cross between orange soda and bubble gum with a nasty aftertaste. If you feel compelled to try it, be sure to have a chaser handy. (It's made in Glasgow and is quite popular in Scotland, but I don't know if you'll encounter it in London or not.)

[kaypendragon.livejournal.com]

We did encounter Irn-Bru in London, although I did not try it.

[khava.livejournal.com]

Okay, fish and chips aren't bad. And maybe I was corrupted by spending a week in London immediately after spending a week in Paris. In Paris, every food you eat is the best food you've ever tasted, even if you just got it at a museum cafeteria or a coin-operated hot chocolate dispenser.

[daisho.livejournal.com]

Irn Bru is, as kaypendragon confirmed, available in southern England -- but I don't recommend the experience. Most of the nasty American colas can be found in considerable quantity and we have a few of our own, too. Personally, I drink fruit juice most of the time. :)

And you'll be glad to know that a lot of British restaurants are getting the hang of al dente veg. It's not all flaccid these days. ;)

[kaypendragon.livejournal.com]

6. Do NOT make yourself physically ill thinking about anything. It's just a bad idea. And when you go to England (when, not if) tell Kate that she cannot live in my basement until I move out of College dorms.

[ghostsphoenix.livejournal.com]

I want to go to England! You should go, have lots of fun, and then tell me all about it so I can at least have some vicarious enjoyment while I'm stuck here in graduate school. Go while you have the chance!

-Phoenix

[homasse.livejournal.com]

Dude. Go to England. Have fun.

And tell your family, "Hey, I *could* be up and *moving* to a foreign country, like some people I know. I just want to visit."

Seriously, you only live once, and live now, while you can. Life's too short not to do what you want when you're not tied down.

Just do it, yo.

[zdenka]

*hugs* Go to England. Have wonderful time. Come back. Move to Boston. :-)

[fangtsu.livejournal.com]

Good luck going to England...

And that reality show? Well. It scares me. A lot. To lie that much to gain what's so little afterwards, it's as if they expect you to buy back all the trust you lost with the prize.

[weirdquark]

Go to England. Then move out.

Tell your parents that you respect their opinion and you have carefully considered their advice. And that you are going to England and then you are moving out. Because you're an adult and just because they have trouble treating you like one doesn't mean you shouldn't ignore them and go off and be an adult anyway.

One that writes novels and plays with toys. It is a good kind of adult to be.

*hugs*

[foleyartist1.livejournal.com]

Go. To. England.

Have a fabulous time.

Even if you don't, have a time away from your parents. They are making you insane.

I would personally also add "Take long walks alone and take pictures of the scenery without worrying about whether anyone else will see them or not." But maybe that's only calming for me.

Then move to Boston, because I am extremely worried about you in ways that will be alleviated if you move to Boston.

If you do not find a job, move to Boston anyway. I will loan you money and you will pay it back when you do get a job.

[gallian.livejournal.com]

do i get to count as older and wiser?

go to england.
enjoy your time.
move to boston.
we'll help you find a job if you don't have one up here by then.

stress is bad, and other-people-induced-stress is worse.

take care of yourself. and know that we are here.
gallian.

not that we've not already discussed this

[lotusbiosm.livejournal.com]

You know how I feel. Go to England. You're only young once, you should enjoy it while it lasts.

Also, speaking as someone who has moved to a big city from home, sometimes it's easier to find a job when you can actually go on interviews and talk to people on the phone locally and whatnot. I know it feels irresponsible b/c you're moving w/o a job, but you've got a support system there, so you'll be ok. I see great things in your future.

[baaaaaaaaaah.livejournal.com]

*hugs* take care and have a great time in England. =) You need a break. Not only need it but badly DESERVES it. No i'm not any wiser or older but I have lot more experience hiding from my parents than you have. Take care! *hugs*

Like everyone said...

[kirath.livejournal.com]

*counts something* Yes, I do count as older. Not sure about wiser part, but I'll double what everyone was saying.

Go to England. Then move to Boston.

Do what *your* heart tells you to do. Take advices, but only listen to your own heart. And yes, it applies to this very advice too.

You're not doing anything wrong. If you feel like going, just go and don't let voices of others drown the voice of your heart.

And remember, we're always here to support you, even if only by writing few words or sending a couple of *huggles*.

[daisho.livejournal.com]

Come and see us. There's no reason at all to feel guilty about acting on a considered decision you can afford to implement -- and from a selfish point of view on my part, I'd definitely like to meet you in person. :)

My main e-mail address is paul@daisho.plus.com -- the reply-to address from AFD should also work. After my week-long course, though, there were 7,000 spam messages waiting for me this evening, so it's possible my inbox was full. Mailwasher is certainly struggling to deal with so many headers, but hopefully I should have sorted things out by the time you read this.

If you'd like, I can also post this message to the ukdragons mailing list, so we can organise a Gather. It might be worth subscribing yourself once you've confirmed a few travel details. Drop me a note if you'd like to and I'll dig out the instructions.