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Go for Launch to Somewhere
1/11/11 12:13I am definitely moving back in with my family. Over the weekend of Nov. 18th and 19th, I will be moving from my current place in MA back to NY.
I've personally been struggling, since spring 2010, to banish as paranoia (as I and others characterized it) the feeling that my loved ones and roommates can't really decide if they want to have my physical presence, much less welcome my physical presence, in the spaces they've said they want to share with me--only to have it turn out that my presence was decidedly unwelcome after all, no matter how regrettable that was, and I needed to be the one to fix the awkward situation by leaving.
This is mostly because, as I realized in the summer of 2010 when my parents weren't there for me in the hospital, that my parents' attitude toward living with me (whether as an adult or as a child), that they want me in their presence when they want me, as a kind of command performance, and want me and the reminders of me out of their presence the rest of the time, that makes me so aware and so hurt when others express ambivalence about having me in their lives, physically, sharing space with them.
I realized this, last summer, and realized that the fix was trying to express that I needed the people who lived with me to express non-ambivalence and actively embrace my presence in their space and in their lives, but my partner at the time was unable to do that, even though I believe she may have wanted to, so the uncertainties built up in my mind.
Of course, that contributed to the problem until my worst fears, the ones I was encouraged by others to think of as impossibly paranoid--and, more importantly, had taught myself to believe in (correctly, still, I think), as impossibly paranoid, because after all I believed I was someone worth living a life together with, or else I would not have taken the leap of faith to move and trust even when things looked hard, and change careers and start admitting my deep desire to further my own self through my own creative work as a job--came true. No wonder I was a wreck. No wonder parts of me still are.
I don't think this will be good for me as a whole experience, but it may lead me to confront the issue at the source, which I think will be good for me. I can only hope. And I will hopefully emerge stronger, able to afford things like the carpentry program I want to persue, able to afford my own damn apartment without being screwed over by a succession of passive-aggressive roommates, able to take love and care from people and give it back without being so needy as to rely on their love and care in a way that terrifies them or makes them resentful of my otherwise awesome, even nee4ded, presence in their life.
I've personally been struggling, since spring 2010, to banish as paranoia (as I and others characterized it) the feeling that my loved ones and roommates can't really decide if they want to have my physical presence, much less welcome my physical presence, in the spaces they've said they want to share with me--only to have it turn out that my presence was decidedly unwelcome after all, no matter how regrettable that was, and I needed to be the one to fix the awkward situation by leaving.
This is mostly because, as I realized in the summer of 2010 when my parents weren't there for me in the hospital, that my parents' attitude toward living with me (whether as an adult or as a child), that they want me in their presence when they want me, as a kind of command performance, and want me and the reminders of me out of their presence the rest of the time, that makes me so aware and so hurt when others express ambivalence about having me in their lives, physically, sharing space with them.
I realized this, last summer, and realized that the fix was trying to express that I needed the people who lived with me to express non-ambivalence and actively embrace my presence in their space and in their lives, but my partner at the time was unable to do that, even though I believe she may have wanted to, so the uncertainties built up in my mind.
Of course, that contributed to the problem until my worst fears, the ones I was encouraged by others to think of as impossibly paranoid--and, more importantly, had taught myself to believe in (correctly, still, I think), as impossibly paranoid, because after all I believed I was someone worth living a life together with, or else I would not have taken the leap of faith to move and trust even when things looked hard, and change careers and start admitting my deep desire to further my own self through my own creative work as a job--came true. No wonder I was a wreck. No wonder parts of me still are.
I don't think this will be good for me as a whole experience, but it may lead me to confront the issue at the source, which I think will be good for me. I can only hope. And I will hopefully emerge stronger, able to afford things like the carpentry program I want to persue, able to afford my own damn apartment without being screwed over by a succession of passive-aggressive roommates, able to take love and care from people and give it back without being so needy as to rely on their love and care in a way that terrifies them or makes them resentful of my otherwise awesome, even nee4ded, presence in their life.
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