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Life Insurance
Hi.
I just caught myself making a jokingly morbid comment to my mother about where to find my life insurance policy in case she needed it.
It was a joke in many ways.
It was useful in many ways--the financial management class I just took noted that we should let family members know of important papers, and I realized my family didn't know about that one, so I mentioned it to her.
The fact that was not a joke nor useful is the one that scares me a little, which is the fact that I started off the conversation with, "this has nothing to do with the previous conversation about stress in my life, but, if you ever need to know, here's the information." I thought about that a little, and worry more about it now because it means things are probably a bit worse than I think consciously. Because it had a lot to do with the stresses in my life.
This has been a particularly bad week; I have screwed up at work though no direct fault of my own, I am behind on a lot of stuff, and we have an early deadling (Friday instead of Tuesday) which I didn't find out about until today but couldn't catch up on because of the three interns. My boss has no time management skills and thinks this transfers to everyone else, my co-worker can't use a comma and doesn't understand the difference between "led" and "lead" and so can't help me edit papers when I need it most, and a bitch in the sales department (I use that word rarely, and am trying to cut down on swearing, but it is used appropriately here) raises all my hackles every time I see her, even when I try not to let her get me. Plus, I am owed at least $60 dollars in back pay, which I will not recieve for at least two more weeks because the people who bought us out are incompetent.
I didn't realize I'd forgotten D&D was tonight until I was driving home an hour after the session ended, so I spent the entirety of my three hours of free time today sorting through reciepts in order to spend tomorrow evening balancing my checkbook to write out a buget for Rush-That-Speaks, and perhaps calling her and Syona Keleste and/or Rabidfangurl and Lywen if I get home at a reasonable hour, which I won't.
Bryn Mawr people--Ghost, Phoenix, Ancalemon, Weyrlady, fiddledragon and zelas 8x8 especially--I still don't have your phone extensions. I would like very badly to call and talk to you all but have no way of getting hold of you. Please either call or email me and leave your extensions.
I found I had a savings account I didn't know about and $300 in said account. I was happy because I was going to put the money in my savings account and be almost at my original saving-for-Boston goal. Then my dad came in from trying to fix my car and informed me that "it's good you just got that $300 because that's about how much you'll need to buy a new heating unit for your car; the old one's corroded."
In addition to the $30 for an oil change (which I was expecting) and $50 for a new car battery (which I had not known I had needed until about a week ago, but was thinking I could put some of the $300 towards), that's about $400, give or take the recently enacted 9.75% sales tax (!).
I was not upset the heating unit was corroded, nor that he told me about it, nor that he was taking a tone of voice and smirk I privately refer to as "dad's 'that's just life, deal with it, it screws you over' attitude," because these things were all ok and true, and he'd spent a great deal of time trying to fix said car so it had winter heating.
I was upset with his timing; and then more upset with the fact that when I complained "couldn't you have at least told me tomorrow?" he repeated, "that's life, at least you had the money for an hour," and then got into a fight with my mother ("[Eredien] knows that, why can't you listen to what she's saying?") long past I'd stopped trying to say anything, and then he stomped off to bed.
I almost cried in front of my mother tonight from sheer frustration. I don't remember the last time I was upset enough to let my guard down like that. And it didn't help because then she tried to hug me and tell me my job and problems were only temporary, "for another year or so," and all I wanted then was to be standing in Gerbilhouse with all of you and looking at the cheerful walls with the fishtank instead of sinking $400 of my money (half my checking account at this point because of the $60-in-back-pay-problem stated above) into a car which still needs paint work and which I will not be driving in another six months.
Unless I will be, which keeps looking more and more like a possibility with each passing day and depresses me horribly.
I keep thinking more and more about what I worried about the most in the past year, which is something I've been trying to put out of my head ever since it sprang horribly into the front parlor of my mind on Mar. 17th of this spring:
I do not work well under people. I do not work well over people. Especially if both of these sets of people are less competent and organized than me. I work best next to people in collaborative projects, in a one-on-one student-teacher setting where the roles are either firmly defined or fluidly switch back and forth, or by myself.
I fear I am doomed to be happy only working for myself, or with a particular group of individuals who hold themselves to the same high standards of work I do and can also realize that failure is not the end of the world.
This means that eventually I shall have to go into business for myself. I do not want to do this. My father did this. He is a man with no small amount of knowledge, drive, and connections to others in his own way, and look where that got him and his family: absolutely nowhere, and usually backwards.
I also swore I would never put any children I might have through that peculiar hell of consciousness of the family's economic uncertainty combined with the "work is more important than you because I'm doing this all for you" attitude, either.
As I get upset I use fewer commas and my writing comes out very unpolished, I note. I don't like that very much.
I feel so tired.
I really want to leave this town.
*hugs*
I might be giving out old and widely known recipe, but this one is known to help. Make yourself a cup of tea (coffee, or whatever you like best), wrap yourself up with warm blanket (if applicable), curl up in your favorite chair and think about something good. Nature, for example. Literature, poetry. Anything but troubles will do. Well, you got the idea. :)
It won't instantly solve all the troubles, but it does refill inner reserves of strength to face them. And, by coincidence, many troubles don't like that and disappear.
By the way, there _are_ successful private businesses with stable income out there. And, there _are_ places where you can work on collaborative projects with good people and get paid for that. Though it's pretty hard to find the latter, as I figured. I'll talk to the goddess of Fortune about you soon, and I'm sure she'll smile on you.
*comforting huggles*
Re: *hugs*
-Phoenix
Re: *hugs*
Are you still in Russia? Friends of mine (specifically, Quem98) has plans to drag me to St. Petersburg within a year or two!
So good to hear from you; nothing warms the heart like unexpectedly hearing from friends.
Re: *hugs*
I won't be leaving Russia anytime soon, though I do consider this possibility. So when you know when you're going to visit St. Petersburg drop me a line, I'll try to arrange the trip for myself.
*hugs* I'm back and I'm not going to disappear again. My dragon self was AWOL for a few years but seems like it decided that it's more fun to be here with me and all of you.